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the heir of redclyffe-第140部分

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'Dearest Amy!  But you are not blaming yourself for these feelings。  It 

might be wrong to indulge them and foster them; but while you struggle 

with them; they can't in themselves be wrong。'



'I hope not;' said Amabel pausing to think。  'Yes; I have 〃the joy〃 at 

the bottom still; I know it is all quite right; and it came straight 

from heaven; as he said。  I can get happy very often when I am by 

myself; or at church; with him; it is only when I miss his bright 

outside and can't think myself into the inner part; that it is so 

forlorn and dreary。  I can do pretty well alone。  Only I wish I could 

help being so troublesome and disagreeable to everybody' said Amy; 

concluding in a matter…of…fact tone。



'My dear!' said Mary; almost laughing。



'It is so stupid of me to be always poorly; and making mamma anxious 

when there's nothing the matter with me。  And I know I am a check on 

them down…stairspapa; and Charlotte; and allthey are very kind; 

considerate; and yet'she paused'and it is a naughty feeling; but 

when I feel all those dear kind eyes watching me always; and wanting me 

to be happy; it is rather oppressive; especially when I can't; but if I 

try not to disappoint them; I do make such a bad hand of it; and am 

sure to break down afterwards; and that grieves mamma all the more。'



'It will be better when this time of year is over;' said Mary。



'Perhaps; yes。  He always seemed to belong to summer days; and to come 

with them。  Well; I suppose trials always come in a different shape 

from what one expects; for I used to think I could bear all the doom 

with him; but; I did not know it would be without him; and yet that is 

the best。  Oh; baby!'



'I should not have come to disturb her。'



'Nonever mind; she never settles fairly to sleep till we are shut in 

by ourselves。  Hush! hush; darlingNo?  Will nothing do but being 

taken up?  Well; then; there!  Come; and show your godmamma what a 

black fringe those little wakeful eyes are getting。'



And when Mary went down it was with the conviction that those black 

eyelashes; too marked to he very pretty in so young a babe; were more 

of a comfort to Amabel than anything she could say。



The evening wore on; and at length Laura came into her sister's room。  

She looked fagged and harassed; the old face she used to wear in the 

time of disguise and secrecy; Amabel asked if it had been a tiresome 

party。



'YesnoI don't know。  Just like others;' said Laura。



'You are tired; at any rate;' said Amabel。  'You took too long a ride 

with Philip。 I saw you come in very late。'



'I am not in the least tired; thank you。'



'Then he is;' said Amabel。  'I hope he has not one of his headaches 

again。'



'No;' said Laura; still in a dissatisfied; uncomfortable tone。



'No?  Dear Laura; I am sure there is something wrong;' and with a 

little more of her winning; pleading kindness; she drew from Laura that 

Philip had told her she idolized him。  He had told her so very gently 

and kindly; but he had said she idolized him in a manner that was 

neither good for herself nor him; and he went on to blame himself for 

it; which was what she could not bear。  It had been rankling in her 

mind ever since that he had found fault with her for loving him so 

well; and it had made her very unhappy。  She _could_ not love him less; 

and how should she please him?  She had much rather he had blamed her 

than himself。



'I think I see what he means' said Amy; thoughtfully。  'He has grown 

afraid of himself; and afraid of being admired now。'



'But how am I to help that; Amy?' said Laura; with tears in her eyes: 

'he cannot help being the first; the very first of all with me'



'No; no;' said Amy; quickly; 'not the very first; or what would you do 

if you were to belike me?  Don't turn away; dear Laura; I don't think 

I over could bear this at all; if dear Guy had not kept it always 

before my eyes from the very first that we were to look to something 

else besides each other。'



'Of course I meant the first earthly thing;' said Laura; but it was not 

heartfeltshe knew she ought; therefore she thought she did。



'And so;' proceeded Amy; 'I think if that other is first; it would make 

you have some other standard of right besides himself; then you would 

be a stay and help to him。  I think that is what he means。'



'Amy! let me ask you;' said Laura; a little entreatingly; yet as if she 

must needs put the question'surely; you never thought Guy had 

faults?'



Her colour deepened。  'Yes; Laura;' she answered; firmly。  'I could not 

have understood his repentance if I had not thought so。  And; dear 

Laura; if you will forgive me for saying it; it would be much better 

for yourself and Philip if you would see the truth。'



'I thought you forgave him;' murmured Laura。



'Oh; Laura! but does not that word 〃forgive〃 imply something?  I could 

not have done anything to comfort him that day; if I had not believed 

he had something to be comforted for。  It can't be pleasant to him to 

see you think his repentance vain。'



'It is noble and great。'



'But if it was not real; it would be thrown away。  Besides; dear Laura; 

do let me say this for once。  If you would but understand that you let 

him lead you into what was not right; and be really sorry for that; and 

show mamma that you are; I do think it would all begin much more 

happily when you are married。'



'I could never have told; till I was obliged to betray myself;' said 

Laura。  'You know; Amy; it was no engagement。  We never wrote to each 

other; we had but one walk; it was no business of his to speak till he 

could hope for papa's consent to our marriage。  It would have been all 

confusion if he had told; and that would have been only that we had 

always loved each other with all our hearts; which every one knew 

before。'



'Yet; Laura; it was what preyed on him when he thought he was dying。'



'Because it was the only thing like a fault he could think of;' said 

Laura; excited by this shade of blame to defend him vehemently

'because his scruples are high and noble and generous。'



She spoke so eagerly; that the baby's voice again broke on the 

conversation; and she was obliged to go away; but though her idolatry 

was complete; it did not seem to give full satisfaction or repose。  As 

to Philip; though his love for her was unchanged; it now and then was 

felt; though not owned by him; that she was not fully a helpmeet; only 

a 'Self'; not such a 'Self' as he had left at St。 Mildred's; but still 

reflecting on him his former character; instead of aiding him to a new 

one。









CHAPTER 43







But nature to its inmost part

Faith had refined; and to her heart

  A peaceful cradle given;

Calm as the dew drops free to rest

Within a breeze…fanned rose's breast

  Till it exhales to heaven。WORDSWORTH





It had long been a promise that Mr。 Edmonstone should take Charlotte to 

visit her grandmamma; in Ireland。  They would have gone last autumn; 

but for Guy's illness; and now Aunt Charlotte wrote to hasten the 

performance of the project。  Lady Mabel was very anxious to see them; 

she said; and having grown much more infirm of late; seemed to think it 

would be the last meeting with her son。  She talked so much of Mrs。 

Edmonstone and Laura; that it was plain that she wished extremely for a 

visit from them; though she did not like to ask it; in the present 

state of the family。



A special invitation was sent to Bustle; indeed; Charles said Charlotte 

could not have gone without his permission; for he reigned like a 

tyrant over her; evidently believing her created for no purpose but to 

wait on him; and take him to walk。



Laura was a great favourite at the cottage of Kilcoran; and felt she 

ought to offer to go。  Philip fully agreed; and held out home hopes of 

following as soon as the session; was over; and he had been to 

Redclyffe about some business that had been deferred too long。



And now it appeared that Mr。 Edmonstone had a great desire to take his 

wife; and she herself said; that under any other circumstances she 

should have been very desirous of going。  She had not been to Ireland 

for fifteen years; and was sorry to have seen so little of her mother…

in…law; and now that it had been proved that Charles could exist 

without her; she would not have hesitated to leave him; but for 

Amabel's state of health and spirits; which made going from home out of 

the question。



Charles and Amabel did not think so。  It was not to be endured; that 

when grandmamma wished for her; she should stay at home for them 

without real necessity; besides; the fatigue; anxiety; and sorrow she 

had undergone of late; had told on her; and had made her alter 

perceptibly; from being remarkably fresh and youthful; to be somewhat 

aged; and the change to a new scene; where s
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