a hero of our time-第36部分

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xpress　my　anxiety；　my　despair！　。　。　。　　Now　that　it　seemed　possible　that　I　might　be　about　to　lose　her　for　ever；　Vera　became　dearer　to　me　than　aught　in　the　world　　dearer　than　life；　honour；　happiness！　　God　knows　what　strange；　what　mad　plans　swarmed　in　my　head。　。　。　　Meanwhile　I　still　galloped；　urging　on　my　horse　without　pity。　　And；　now；　I　began　to　notice　that　he　was　breathing　more　heavily；　he　had　already　stumbled　once　or　twice　on　level　ground。　。　。　　I　was　five　versts　from　Essentuki　　a　Cossack　village　where　I　could　change　horses。

All　would　have　been　saved　had　my　horse　been　able　to　hold　out　for　another　ten　minutes。　　But　suddenly；　in　lifting　himself　out　of　a　little　gulley　where　the　road　emerges　from　the　mountains　at　a　sharp　turn；　he　fell　to　the　ground。　　I　jumped　down　promptly；　I　tried　to　lift　him　up；　I　tugged　at　his　bridle　　in　vain。　　A　scarcely　audible　moan　burst　through　his　clenched　teeth；　in　a　few　moments　he　expired。　　I　was　left　on　the　steppe；　alone；　I　had　lost　my　last　hope。　　I　endeavoured　to　walk　　my　legs　sank　under　me；　exhausted　by　the　anxieties　of　the　day　and　by　sleeplessness；　I　fell　upon　the　wet　grass　and　burst　out　crying　like　a　child。

For　a　long　time　I　lay　motionless　and　wept　bitterly；　without　attempting　to　restrain　my　tears　and　sobs。　　I　thought　my　breast　would　burst。　　All　my　firmness；　all　my　coolness；　disappeared　like　smoke；　my　soul　grew　powerless；　my　reason　silent；　and；　if　anyone　had　seen　me　at　that　moment；　he　would　have　turned　aside　with　contempt。

When　the　night…dew　and　the　mountain　breeze　had　cooled　my　burning　brow；　and　my　thoughts　had　resumed　their　usual　course；　I　realized　that　to　pursue　my　perished　happiness　would　be　unavail…　ing　and　unreasonable。　　What　more　did　I　want？　　To　see　her？　　Why？　　Was　not　all　over　between　us？　　A　single；　bitter；　farewell　kiss　would　not　have　enriched　my　recollections；　and；　after　it；　parting　would　only　have　been　more　difficult　for　us。

Still；　I　am　pleased　that　I　can　weep。　　Perhaps；　however；　the　cause　of　that　was　my　shattered　nerves；　a　night　passed　without　sleep；　two　minutes　opposite　the　muzzle　of　a　pistol；　and　an　empty　stomach。

It　is　all　for　the　best。　　That　new　suffering　created　within　me　a　fortunate　diversion　　to　speak　in　military　style。　　To　weep　is　healthy；　and　then；　no　doubt；　if　I　had　not　ridden　as　I　did　and　had　not　been　obliged　to　walk　fifteen　versts　on　my　way　back；　sleep　would　not　have　closed　my　eyes　on　that　night　either。

I　returned　to　Kislovodsk　at　five　o'clock　in　the　morning；　threw　myself　on　my　bed；　and　slept　the　sleep　of　Napoleon　after　Waterloo。

By　the　time　I　awoke　it　was　dark　outside。　　I　sat　by　the　open　window；　with　my　jacket　unbuttoned　　and　the　mountain　breeze　cooled　my　breast；　still　troubled　by　the　heavy　sleep　of　weariness。　　In　the　distance　beyond　the　river；　through　the　tops　of　the　thick　lime　trees　which　overshadowed　it；　lights　were　glancing　in　the　fortress　and　the　vil…　lage。　　Close　at　hand　all　was　calm。　　It　was　dark　in　Princess　Ligovski's　house。

The　doctor　entered；　his　brows　were　knit；　contrary　to　custom；　he　did　not　offer　me　his　hand。

〃Where　have　you　come　from；　doctor？〃

〃From　Princess　Ligovski's；　her　daughter　is　ill　　nervous　exhaustion。　。　。　　That　is　not　the　point；　though。　　This　is　what　I　have　come　to　tell　you：　the　authorities　are　suspicious；　and；　although　it　is　impossible　to　prove　anything　positively；　I　should；　all　the　same；　advise　you　to　be　cautious。　Princess　Ligovski　told　me　to…day　that　she　knew　that　you　fought　a　duel　on　her　daughter's　account。　That　little　old　man　　what's　his　name？　　has　told　her　everything。　　He　was　a　witness　of　your　quarrel　with　Grushnitski　in　the　restaurant。　I　have　come　to　warn　you。　　Good…bye。　　Maybe　we　shall　not　meet　again：　you　will　be　banished　somewhere。〃

He　stopped　on　the　threshold；　he　would　gladly　have　pressed　my　hand　。　。　。　and；　had　I　shown　the　slightest　desire　to　embrace　him；　he　would　have　thrown　himself　upon　my　neck；　but　I　remained　cold　as　a　rock　　and　he　left　the　room。

That　is　just　like　men！　　They　are　all　the　same：　they　know　beforehand　all　the　bad　points　of　an　act；　they　help；　they　advise；　they　even　encourage　it；　seeing　the　impossibility　of　any　other　expedient　　and　then　they　wash　their　hands　of　the　whole　affair　and　turn　away　with　indignation　from　him　who　has　had　the　courage　to　take　the　whole　burden　of　responsibility　upon　himself。　　They　are　all　like　that；　even　the　best…natured；　the　wisest。　。　。



CHAPTER　XXII

NEXT　morning；　having　received　orders　from　the　supreme　authority　to　betake　myself　to　the　N　Fortress；　I　called　upon　Princess　Ligov…　ski　to　say　good…bye。

She　was　surprised　when；　in　answer　to　her　ques…　tion；　whether　I　had　not　anything　of　special　im…　portance　to　tell　her；　I　said　I　had　come　to　wish　her　good…bye；　and　so　on。

〃But　I　must　have　a　very　serious　talk　with　you。〃

I　sat　down　in　silence。

It　was　clear　that　she　did　not　know　how　to　begin；　her　face　grew　livid；　she　tapped　the　table　with　her　plump　fingers；　at　length；　in　a　broken　voice；　she　said：

〃Listen；　Monsieur　Pechorin；　I　think　that　you　are　a　gentleman。〃

I　bowed。

〃Nay；　I　am　sure　of　it；〃　she　continued；　〃al…　though　your　behaviour　is　somewhat　equivocal；　but　you　may　have　reasons　which　I　do　not　know；　and　you　must　now　confide　them　to　me。　　You　have　protected　my　daughter　from　slander；　you　have　fought　a　duel　on　her　behalf　　consequently　you　have　risked　your　life。　。　。　　Do　not　answer。　　I　know　that　you　will　not　acknowledge　it　because　Grushnitski　has　been　killed〃　　she　crossed　herself。　〃God　forgive　him　　and　you　too；　I　hope。　。　。　That　does　not　concern　me。　。　。　　I　dare　not　con…　demn　you　because　my　daughter；　although　inno…　cently；　has　been　the　cause。　　She　has　told　me　everything　。　。　。　everything；　I　think。　　You　have　declared　your　love　for　her。　。　。　　She　has　admitted　hers　to　you。〃　　Here　Princess　Ligovski　sighed　heavily。　　〃But　she　is　ill；　and　I　am　certain　that　it　is　no　simple　illness！　　Secret　grief　is　killing　her；　she　will　not　confess；　but　I　am　convinced　that　you　are　the　cause　of　it。　。　。　　Listen：　you　think；　per…　haps；　that　I　am　looking　for　rank　or　immense　wealth　　be　undeceived；　my　daughter's　happiness　is　my　sole　desire。　　Your　present　position　is　un…　enviable；　but　it　may　be　bettered：　you　have　means；　my　daughter　loves　you；　she　has　been　brought　up　in　such　a　way　that　she　will　make　her　husband　a　happy　man。　　I　am　wealthy；　she　is　my　only　child。　。　。　　Tell　me；　what　is　keeping　you　back？　。　。　。　　You　see；　I　ought　not　to　be　saying　all　this　to　you；　but　I　rely　upon　your　heart；　upon　your　honour　　remember　she　is　my　only　daughter　。　。　。　my　only　one〃　。　。　。

She　burst　into　tears。

〃Princess；〃　I　said；　〃it　is　impossible　for　me　to　answer　you；　allow　me　to　speak　to　your　daughter；　alone〃　。　。　。

〃Never！〃　she　exclaimed；　rising　from　her　chair　in　violent　agitation。

〃As　you　wish；〃　I　answered；　preparing　to　go　away。

She　fell　into　thought；　made　a　sign　to　me　with　her　hand　that　I　should　wait　a　little；　and　left　the　room。

Five　minutes　passed。　　My　heart　was　beating　violently；　but　my　thoughts　were　tranquil；　my　head　cool。　　However　assiduously　I　sought　in　my　breast　for　even　a　spark　of　love　for　the　charming　Mary；　my　efforts　were　of　no　avail！

Then　the　door　opened；　and　she　entered。　Heavens！　　How　she　had　changed　since　I　had　last　seen　her　　and　that　but　a　short　time　ago！

When　she　reached　the　middle　of　the　room；　she　staggered。　　I　jumped　up；　gave　her　my　arm；　and　led　her　to　a　chair。

I　stood　facing　her。　　We　remained　silent　for　a　long　time；　her　large　eyes；　full　of　unutterable　grief；　seemed　to　be　searching　in　mine　for　some…　thing　resembling　hope；　her　wan　lips　vainly　en…　deavoured　to　smile；　her　tender　hands；　which　were　folded　upon　her　knees；　were　so　thin　and　transparent　that　I　pitied　her。

〃Princess；〃　I　said；　〃you　know　that　I　have　been　making　fun　of　you？　。　。　。　　You　must　despise　me。〃

A　sickly　flush　suffused　her　cheeks。

〃Consequently；〃　I　continued；　〃you　cannot　love　me〃　。　。　。

She　turned　her　head　away；　leaned　her　elbows　on　the　table；　covered　her　eyes　with　her　hand；　and　it　seemed　to　me　that　she　was　on　the　point　of　tears。

〃Oh；　God！〃　she　said；　almost　inaudibly。

The　situation　was　growing　intolerable。　　Another　minute　　and　I　should　have　fallen　at　her　feet。

〃So　you　see；　yourself；〃　I　said　in　as　firm　a　voice　as　I　could　command；　and　with　a　forced　smile；　〃you　see；　yourself；　that　I　cannot　marry　you。　Even　if　you　wished　it　now；　you　would　soon　repent。　My　conversation　with　your　mother　has　compelled　me　to　explain　myself　to　you　so　frankly　and　so　brutally。　　I　hope　that　she　is　under　a　delusion：　it　will　be　easy　for　you　to　undeceive　her。　　You　see；　I　am　playing　a　most　pitiful　and　ugly　role　in　your　eyes；　and　I　even　admit　it　　that　is　the　utmost　I　can　do　for　your　sake。　　However　bad　an　opinion　you　may　entertain　of　me；　I　submit　to　it。　。　。　　You　see　that　I　am　base　in　your　sight；　am　I　not？　。　。　。　Is　it　not　true　that；　even　if　you　have　loved　me；　you　would　despise　me　from　this　moment？〃　。　。　。

She　turned　round　to　me。　　She　was　pale　as　marble；　but　her　eyes　were　sparkling　wondrously。

〃I　hate　you〃　。　。　。　she　said。

I　thanked　her；　bowed　respectfully；　and　left　the　room。

An　hour　afterwards　a　postal　express　was　bearing　me　rapidly　from　Kislovodsk。　　A　few　versts　from　Essentuki　I　recognized　near　the　roadway　the　body　of　my　spirited　horse。　　The　saddle　had　been　taken　off；　no　doubt　by　a　passing　Cossack；　and；　in　its　place；　two　ravens　were　sitting