the legacy of cain-第31部分

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talk　of　it！　Oh；　don't　let　us　talk　of　it！〃

And　here　am　I　writing　of　it！　What　I　had　determined　not　to　do；　is
what　I　have　done。　Am　I　losing　my　senses　already？　The　very　names
that　I　was　most　anxious　to　keep　out　of　my　memory　stare　me　in　the
face　in　the　lines　that　I　have　just　written。　Philip　again！　Helena
again！

。　。　。　。　。　。　。

Another　day；　and　something　new　that　must　and　will　be　remembered；
shrink　from　it　as　I　may。　This　afternoon；　I　met　Helena　on　the
stairs。

She　stopped；　and　eyed　me　with　a　wicked　smile；　she　held　out　her
hand。　〃We　are　likely　to　meet　often；　while　we　are　in　the　same
house；〃　she　said；　〃hadn't　we　better　consult　appearances；　and
pretend　to　be　as　fond　of　each　other　as　ever？〃

I　took　no　notice　of　her　hand；　I　took　no　notice　of　her　shameless
proposal。　She　tried　again：　〃After　all；　it　isn't　my　fault　if
Philip　likes　me　better　than　he　likes　you。　Don't　you　see　that？〃　I
still　refused　to　speak　to　her。　She　still　persisted。　〃How　black
you　look；　Eunice！　Are　you　sorry　you　didn't　kill　me；　when　you　had
your　hands　on　my　throat？〃

I　said：　〃Yes。〃

She　laughed；　and　left　me。　I　was　obliged　to　sit　down　on　the
stairI　trembled　so。　My　own　reply　frightened　me。　I　tried　to　find
out　why　I　had　said　Yes。　I　don't　remember　being　conscious　of
meaning　anything。　It　was　as　if　somebody　else　had　said　Yesnot　I。
Perhaps　I　was　provoked；　and　the　word　escaped　me　before　I　could
stop　it。　Could　I　have　stopped　it？　I　don't　know。

。　。　。　。　。　。　。

Another　sleepless　night。

Did　I　pass　the　miserable　hours　in　writing　letters　to　Philip　and
then　tearing　them　up？　Or　did　I　only　fancy　that　I　wrote　to　him？　I
have　just　looked　at　the　fireplace。　The　torn　paper　in　it　tells　me
that　I　did　write。　Why　did　I　destroy　my　letters？　I　might　have　sent
one　of　them　to　Philip。　After　what　has　happened？　Oh；　no！　no！

Having　been　many　days　away　from　the　Girls'　Scripture　Class；　it
seemed　to　be　possible　that　going　back　to　the　school　and　the
teaching　might　help　me　to　escape　from　myself。

Nothing　succeeds　with　me。　I　found　it　impossible　to　instruct　the
girls　as　usual；　their　stupidity　soon　reached　the　limit　of　my
patiencesuffocated　me　with　rage。　One　of　them；　a　poor；　fat；
feeble　creature；　began　to　cry　when　I　scolded　her。　I　looked　with
envy　at　the　tears　rolling　over　her　big　round　cheeks。　If　I　could
only　cry；　I　might　perhaps　bear　my　hard　fate　with　submission。

I　walked　toward　home　by　a　roundabout　way；　feeling　as　if　want　of
sleep　was　killing　me　by　inches。

In　the　High　Street；　I　saw　Helena；　she　was　posting　a　letter；　and
was　not　aware　that　I　was　near　her。　Leaving　the　post…office；　she
crossed　the　street；　and　narrowly　escaped　being　run　over。　Suppose
the　threatened　accident　had　really　taken　placehow　should　I　have
felt；　if　it　had　ended　fatally？　What　a　fool　I　am　to　be　putting
questions　to　myself　about　things　that　have　not　happened！

The　walking　tired　me；　I　went　straight　home。

Before　I　could　ring　the　bell；　the　house　door　opened；　and　the
doctor　came　out。　He　stopped　to　speak　to　me。　While　I　had　been　away
（he　said）；　something　had　happened　at　home　（he　neither　knew　nor
wished　to　know　what）　which　had　thrown　my　father　into　a　state　of
violent　agitation。　The　doctor　had　administered　composing
medicine。　〃My　patient　is　asleep　now；〃　he　told　me；　〃but　remember
what　I　said　to　you　the　last　time　we　met；　a　longer　rest　than　any
doctor's　prescription　can　give　him　is　what　he　wants。　You　are　not
looking　well　yourself；　my　dear。　What　is　the　matter？〃

I　told　him　of　my　wretched　restless　nights；　and　asked　if　I　might
take　some　of　the　composing　medicine　which　he　had　given　to　my
father。　He　forbade　me　to　touch　a　drop　of　it。　〃What　is　physic　for
your　father；　you　foolish　child；　is　not　physic　for　a　young
creature　like　you；〃　he　said。　〃Count　a　thousand；　if　you　can't
sleep　to…night；　or　turn　your　pillow。　I　wish　you　pleasant　dreams。〃
He　went　away；　amused　at　his　own　humor。

I　found　Selina　waiting　to　speak　with　me；　on　the　subject　of　poor
papa。

She　had　been　startled　on　hearing　his　voice；　loud　in　anger。　In　the
fear　that　something　serious　had　happened；　she　left　her　room　to
make　inquiries；　and　saw　Helena　on　the　landing　of　the　flight　of
stairs　beneath；　leaving　the　study。　After　waiting　till　my　sister
was　out　of　the　way；　Selina　ventured　to　present　herself　at　the
study　door；　and　to　ask　if　she　could　be　of　any　use。　My　father；
walking　excitedly　up　and　down　the　room；　declared　that　both　his
daughters　had　behaved　infamously；　and　that　he　would　not　suffer
them　to　speak　to　him　again　until　they　had　come　to　their　senses；
on　the　subject　of　Mr。　Dunboyne。　He　would　enter　into　no　further
explanation；　and　he　had　ordered；　rather　than　requested；　Selina　to
leave　him。　Having　obeyed；　she　tried　next　to　find　me；　and　had　just
looked　into　the　dining…room　to　see　if　I　was　there；　when　she　was
frightened　by　the　sound　of　a　fall　in　the　room　abovethat　is　to
say；　in　the　study。　Running　upstairs　again；　she　had　found　him
insensible　on　the　floor　and　had　sent　for　the　doctor。

〃And　mind　this；〃　Selina　continued；　〃the　person　who　has　done　the
mischief　is　the　person　whom　I　saw　leaving　the　study。　What　your
unnatural　sister　said　to　provoke　her　father〃

〃That　your　unnatural　sister　will　tell　you　herself；〃　Helena's
voice　added。　She　had　opened　the　door　while　we　were　too　much
absorbed　in　our　talk　to　hear　her。

Selina　attempted　to　leave　the　room。　I　caught　her　by　the　hand；　and
held　her　back。　I　was　afraid　of　what　I　might　do　if　she　left　me　by
myself。　Never　have　I　felt　anything　like　the　rage　that　tortured
me；　when　I　saw　Helena　looking　at　us　with　the　same　wicked　smile　on
her　lips　that　had　insulted　me　when　we　met　on　the　stairs。　Have
_we_　anything　to　be　ashamed　of？〃　I　said　to　Selina。　〃Stay　where
you　are。〃

〃You　may　be　of　some　use；　Miss　Jillgall；　if　you　stay；〃　my　sister
suggested。　〃Eunice　seems　to　be　trembling。　Is　she　angry；　or　is　she
ill？〃

The　sting　of　this　was　in　the　tone　of　her　voice。　It　was　the
hardest　thing　I　ever　had　to　do　in　my　lifebut　I　did　succeed　in
controlling　myself。

〃Go　on　with　what　you　have　to　say；〃　I　answered；　〃and　don't　notice
me。〃

〃You　are　not　very　polite；　my　dear；　but　I　can　make　allowances。　Oh；
come！　come！　putting　up　your　hands　to　stop　your　ears　is　too
childish。　You　would　do　better　to　express　regret　for　having　misled
your　father。　Yes！　you　did　mislead　him。　Only　a　few　days　since；　you
left　him　to　suppose　that　you　were　engaged　to　Philip。　It　became　my
duty；　after　that；　to　open　his　eyes　to　the　truth；　and　if　I
unhappily　provoked　him；　it　was　your　fault。　I　was　strictly　careful
in　the　language　I　used。　I　said：　'Dear　father；　you　have　been
misinformed　on　a　very　serious　subject。　The　only　marriage
engagement　for　which　your　kind　sanction　is　requested；　is　_my_
engagement。　_I_　have　consented　to　become　Mrs。　Philip　Dunboyne。'　〃

〃Stop！〃　I　said。

〃Why　am　I　to　stop？〃

〃Because　I　have　something　to　say。　You　and　I　are　looking　at　each
other。　Does　my　face　tell　you　what　is　passing　in　my　mind？〃

〃Your　face　seems　to　be　paler　than　usual；〃　she　answered〃that's
all。〃

〃No；〃　I　said；　〃that　is　not　all。　The　devil　that　possessed　me；　when
I　discovered　you　with　Philip；　is　not　cast　out　of　me　yet。　Silence
the　sneering　devil　that　is　in　You；　or　we　may　both　live　to　regret
it。〃

Whether　I　did　or　did　not　frighten　her；　I　cannot　say。　This　only　I
knowshe　turned　away　silently　to　the　door；　and　went　out。

I　dropped　on　the　sofa。　That　horrid　hungering　for　revenge；　which　I
felt　for　the　firs　t　time　when　I　knew　how　Helena　had　wronged　me；
began　to　degrade　and　tempt　me　again。　In　the　effort　to　get　away
from　this　new　evil　self　of　mine；　I　tried　to　find　sympathy　in
Selina；　and　called　to　her　to　come　and　sit　by　me。　She　seemed　to　be
startled　when　I　looked　at　her；　but　she　recovered　herself；　and
came　to　me；　and　took　my　hand。

〃I　wish　I　could　comfort　you！〃　she　said；　in　her　kind　simple　way。

〃Keep　my　hand　in　your　hand；〃　I　told　her；　〃I　am　drowning　in　dark
waterand　I　have　nothing　to　hold　by　but　you。〃

〃Oh；　my　darling；　don't　talk　in　that　way！〃

〃Good　Selina！　dear　Selina！　You　shall　talk　to　Me。　Say　something
harmlesstell　me　a　melancholy　storytry　to　make　me　cry。〃

My　poor　little　friend　looked　sadly　bewildered。

〃I'm　more　likely　to　cry　myself；〃　she　said。　〃This　is　so
heart…breakingI　almost　wish　I　was　back　in　the　time；　before　you
came　home；　the　time　when　your　detestable　sister　first　showed　how
she　hated　me。　I　was　happy；　meanly　happy；　in　the　spiteful
enjoyment　of　provoking　her。　Oh；　Euneece；　I　shall　never　recover　my
spirits　again！　All　the　pity　in　the　world　would　not　be　pity　enough
for　_you。_　So　hardly　treated！　so　young！　so　forlorn！　Your　good
father　too　ill　to　help　you；　your　poor　mother〃

I　interrupted　her；　she　had　interested　me　in　something　better　than
my　own　wretched　self。　I　asked　directly　if　she　had　known　my
mother。

〃My　dear　child；　I　never　even　saw　her！〃

〃Has　my　father　never　spoken　to　you　about　her？〃

〃Only　once；　when　I　asked　him　how　long　she　had　been　dead。　He　told
me　you　lost　her　while　you　were　an　infant；　and　he　told　me　no　more。
I　was　looking　at　her　portrait　in　the　study；　only　yesterday。　I
think　it　must　be　a　bad　portrait；　your　mother's　face　disappoints
me。〃

I　had　arrived　at　the　same　conclusion　years　since。　But　I　shrank
from　confessing　it。

〃At　any　rate；〃　Selina　continued；　〃you　are　not　like