sketches new and old-第8部分

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ran　his　eye　down　the　pages；　and　his　countenance　grew　portentous。　　It　was
easy　to　see　that　something　was　wrong。　　Presently　he　sprang　up　and　said：

〃Thunder　and　lightning！　Do　you　suppose　I　am　going　to　speak　of　those
cattle　that　way？　　Do　you　suppose　my　subscribers　are　going　to　stand　such
gruel　as　that？　　Give　me　the　pen！〃

I　never　saw　a　pen　scrape　and　scratch　its　way　sc　viciously；　or　plow
through　another　man's　verbs　and　adjectives　so　relentlessly。　　While　he　was
in　the　midst　of　his　work；　somebody　shot　at　him　through　the　open　window；
and　marred　the　symmetry　of　my　ear。

〃Ah；〃　said　he；　〃that　is　that　scoundrel　Smith；　of　the　Moral　Volcanohe
was　due　yesterday。〃　　And　he　snatched　a　navy　revolver　from　his　belt　and
firedSmith　dropped；　shot　in　the　thigh。　　The　shot　spoiled　Smith's　aim；
who　was　just　taking　a　second　chance　and　he　crippled　a　stranger。　　It　was
me。　　Merely　a　finger　shot　off。

Then　the　chief　editor　went　on　with　his　erasure；　and　interlineations。
Just　as　he　finished　them　a　hand　grenade　came　down　the　stove…pipe；　and　the
explosion　shivered　the　stove　into　a　thousand　fragments。　　However；　it　did
no　further　damage；　except　that　a　vagrant　piece　knocked　a　couple　of　my
teeth　out。

〃That　stove　is　utterly　ruined；〃　said　the　chief　editor。

I　said　I　believed　it　was。

〃Well；　no　matterdon't　want　it　this　kind　of　weather。　　I　know　the　man
that　did　it。　　I'll　get　him。　　Now；　here　is　the　way　this　stuff　ought　to　be
written。〃

I　took　the　manuscript。　　It　was　scarred　with　erasures　and　interlineations
till　its　mother　wouldn't　have　known　it　if　it　had　had　one。　　It　now　read　as
follows：

　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　SPIRIT　OF　THE　TENNESSEE　PRESS

　　　　　The　inveterate　liars　of　the　Semi…Weekly　Earthquake　are　evidently
　　　　　endeavoring　to　palm　off　upon　a　noble　and　chivalrous　people　another
　　　　　of　their　vile　and　brutal　falsehoods　with　regard　to　that　most
　　　　　glorious　conception　of　the　nineteenth　century；　the　Ballyhack
　　　　　railroad。　　The　idea　that　Buzzardville　was　to　be　left　off　at　one　side
　　　　　originated　in　their　own　fulsome　brainsor　rather　in　the　settlings
　　　　　which　they　regard　as　brains。　　They　had　better；　swallow　this　lie　if
　　　　　they　want　to　save　their　abandoned　reptile　carcasses　the　cowhiding
　　　　　they　so　richly　deserve。

　　　　　That　ass；　Blossom；　of　the　Higginsville　Thunderbolt　and　Battle　Cry　of
　　　　　Freedom；　is　down　here　again　sponging　at　the　Van　Buren。

　　　　　We　observe　that　the　besotted　blackguard　of　the　Mud　Springs　Morning
　　　　　Howl　is　giving　out；　with　his　usual　propensity　for　lying；　that　Van
　　　　　Werter　is　not　elected。　　The　heaven…born　mission　of　journalism　is　to
　　　　　disseminate　truth；　to　eradicate　error；　to　educate；　refine；　and
　　　　　elevate　the　tone　of　public　morals　and　manners；　and　make　all　men　more
　　　　　gentle；　more　virtuous；　more　charitable；　and　in　all　ways　better；　and
　　　　　holier；　and　happier；　and　yet　this　blackhearted　scoundrel　degrades
　　　　　his　great　office　persistently　to　the　dissemination　of　falsehood；
　　　　　calumny；　vituperation；　and　vulgarity。

　　　　　Blathersville　wants　a　Nicholson　pavementit　wants　a　jail　and　a
　　　　　poorhouse　more。　　The　idea　of　a　pavement　in　a　one…horse　town　composed
　　　　　of　two　gin…mills；　a　blacksmith　shop；　and　that　mustard…plaster　of　a
　　　　　newspaper；　the　Daily　Hurrah！　　The　crawling　insect；　Buckner；　who
　　　　　edits　the　Hurrah；　is　braying　about　his　business　with　his　customary
　　　　　imbecility；　and　imagining　that　he　is　talking　sense。


〃Now　that　is　the　way　to　writepeppery　and　to　the　point。　　Mush…and…milk
journalism　gives　me　the　fan…tods。〃

About　this　time　a　brick　came　through　the　window　with　a　splintering　crash；
and　gave　me　a　considerable　of　a　jolt　in　the　back。　　I　moved　out　of　range
I　began　to　feel　in　the　way。

The　chief　said；　〃That　was　the　Colonel；　likely。　　I've　been　expecting　him
for　two　days。　　He　will　be　up　now　right　away。〃

He　was　correct。　　The　Colonel　appeared　in　the　door　a　moment　afterward　with
a　dragoon　revolver　in　his　hand。

He　said；　〃Sir；　have　I　the　honor　of　addressing　the　poltroon　who　edits　this
mangy　sheet？〃

〃You　have。　　Be　seated；　sir。　　Be　careful　of　the　chair；　one　of　its　legs　is
gone。　　I　believe　I　have　the　honor　of　addressing　the　putrid　liar；　Colonel
Blatherskite　Tecumseh？〃

〃Right；　Sir。　　I　have　a　little　account　to　settle　with　you。　　If　you　are　at
leisure　we　will　begin。〃

〃I　have　an　article　on　the　'Encouraging　Progress　of　Moral　and　Intellectual
Development　in　America'　to　finish；　but　there　is　no　hurry。　　Begin。〃

Both　pistols　rang　out　their　fierce　clamor　at　the　same　instant。　　The　chief
lost　a　lock　of　his　hair；　and　the　Colonel's　bullet　ended　its　career　in　the
fleshy　part　of　my　thigh。　　The　Colonel's　left　shoulder　was　clipped　a
little。　　They　fired　again。　　Both　missed　their　men　this　time；　but　I　got　my
share；　a　shot　in　the　arm。　　At　the　third　fire　both　gentlemen　were　wounded
slightly；　and　I　had　a　knuckle　chipped。　　I　then　said；　I　believed　I　would
go　out　and　take　a　walk；　as　this　was　a　private　matter；　and　I　had　a
delicacy　about　participating　in　it　further。　　But　both　gentlemen　begged　me
to　keep　my　seat；　and　assured　me　that　I　was　not　in　the　way。

They　then　talked　about　the　elections　and　the　crops　while　they　reloaded；
and　I　fell　to　tying　up　my　wounds。　　But　presently　they　opened　fire　again
with　animation；　and　every　shot　took　effectbut　it　is　proper　to　remark
that　five　out　of　the　six　fell　to　my　share。　　The　sixth　one　mortally
wounded　the　Colonel；　who　remarked；　with　fine　humor；　that　he　would　have　to
say　good　morning　now；　as　he　had　business　uptown。　　He　then　inquired　the
way　to　the　undertaker's　and　left。

The　chief　turned　to　me　and　said；　〃I　am　expecting　company　to　dinner；　and
shall　have　to　get　ready。　　It　will　be　a　favor　to　me　if　you　will　read　proof
and　attend　to　the　customers。〃

I　winced　a　little　at　the　idea　of　attending　to　the　customers；　but　I　was
too　bewildered　by　the　fusillade　that　was　still　ringing　in　my　ears　to
think　of　anything　to　say。

He　continued；　〃Jones　will　be　here　at　threecowhide　him。　　Gillespie　will
call　earlier；　perhapsthrow　him　out　of　the　window。　　Ferguson　will　be
along　about　fourkill　him。　　That　is　all　for　today；　I　believe。　　If　you
have　any　odd　time；　you　may　write　a　blistering　article　on　the　policegive
the　chief　inspector　rats。　　The　cowhides　are　under　the　table；　weapons　in
the　drawerammunition　there　in　the　cornerlint　and　bandages　up　there　in
the　pigeonholes。　　In　case　of　accident；　go　to　Lancet；　the　surgeon；　down…
stairs。　　He　advertiseswe　take　it　out　in　trade。〃

He　was　gone。　　I　shuddered。　　At　the　end　of　the　next　three　hours　I　had　been
through　perils　so　awful　that　all　peace　of　mind　and　all　cheerfulness　were
gone　from　me。　　Gillespie　had　called　and　thrown　me　out　of　the　window。
Jones　arrived　promptly；　and　when　I　got　ready　to　do　the　cowhiding　he　took
the　job　off　my　hands。　　In　an　encounter　with　a　stranger；　not　in　the　bill
of　fare；　I　had　lost　my　scalp。　　Another　stranger；　by　the　name　of　Thompson；
left　me　a　mere　wreck　and　ruin　of　chaotic　rags。　　And　at　last；　at　bay　in
the　corner；　and　beset　by　an　infuriated　mob　of　editors；　blacklegs；
politicians；　and　desperadoes；　who　raved　and　swore　and　flourished　their
weapons　about　my　head　till　the　air　shimmered　with　glancing　flashes　of
steel；　I　was　in　the　act　of　resigning　my　berth　on　the　paper　when　the　chief
arrived；　and　with　him　a　rabble　of　charmed　and　enthusiastic　friends。　　Then
ensued　a　scene　of　riot　and　carnage　such　as　no　human　pen；　or　steel　one
either；　could　describe。　　People　were　shot；　probed；　dismembered；　blown　up；
thrown　out　of　the　window。　　There　was　a　brief　tornado　of　murky　blasphemy；
with　a　confused　and　frantic　war…dance　glimmering　through　it；　and　then　all
was　over。　　In　five　minutes　there　was　silence；　and　the　gory　chief　and　I
sat　alone　and　surveyed　the　sanguinary　ruin　that　strewed　the　floor　around
us。

He　said；　〃You'll　like　this　place　when　you　get　used　to　it。〃

I　said；　〃I'll　have　to　get　you　to　excuse　me；　I　think　maybe　I　might　write
to　suit　you　after　a　while；　as　soon　as　I　had　had　some　practice　and　learned
the　language　I　am　confident　I　could。　　But；　to　speak　the　plain　truth；　that
sort　of　energy　of　expression　has　its　inconveniences；　and　a；　man　is　liable
to　interruption。

You　see　that　yourself。　　Vigorous　writing　is　calculated　to　elevate　the
public；　no　doubt；　but　then　I　do　not　like　to　attract　so　much　attention　as
it　calls　forth。　　I　can't　write　with　comfort　when　I　am　interrupted　so　much
as　I　have　been　to…day。　　I　like　this　berth　well　enough；　but　I　don't　like
to　be　left　here　to　wait　on　the　customers。　　The　experiences　are　novel；
I　grant　you；　and　entertaining；　too；　after　a　fashion；　but　they　are　not
judiciously　distributed。　　A　gentleman　shoots　at　you　through　the　window
and　cripples　me；　a　bombshell　comes　down　the　stovepipe　for　your
gratification　and　sends　the　stove　door　down　my　throat；　a　friend　drops　in
to　swap　compliments　with　you；　and　freckles　me　with　bullet…holes　till　my
skin　won't　hold　my　principles；　you　go　to　dinner；　and　Jones　comes　with　his
cowhide；　Gillespie　throws　me　out　of　the　window；　Thompson　tears　all　my
clothes　off；　and　an　entire　stranger　takes　my　scalp　with　the　easy　freedom
of　an　old　acquaintance；　and　in　less　than　five　minutes　all　the　blackguards
in　the　country　arrive　in　their　war…paint；　and　proceed　to　scare　the　rest
of　me　to　death　with　their　toma