all roads lead to calvary-第45部分

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There　was　no　forgetting　those　deep；　burning　eyes；　though　the　face　had　changed。　　The　thin　red　lips　still　remained　its　one　touch　of　colour；　but　the　unhealthy　whiteness　of　the　skin　had　given　place　to　a　delicate　pallor；　and　the　features　that　had　been　indistinct　had　shaped　themselves　in　fine；　firm　lines。　　It　was　a　beautiful；　arresting　face；　marred　only　by　the　sullen　callousness　of　the　dark；　clouded　eyes。

Joan　was　glad　of　the　assistance。　　Hilda　produced　pins。

〃I　always　come　prepared　to　these　scrimmages；〃　she　explained。　　〃I've　got　some　Hazeline　in　my　bag。　　They　haven't　kicked　you；　have　they？〃

〃No；〃　laughed　Joan。　　〃At　least；　I　don't　think　so。〃

〃They　do　sometimes；〃　answered　Hilda；　〃if　you　happen　to　be　in　the　way；　near　the　feeding　troughs。　　If　they'd　only　put　all　the　refreshments　into　one　room；　one　could　avoid　it。　　But　they　will　scatter　them　about　so　that　one　never　knows　for　certain　whether　one　is　in　the　danger　zone　or　not。　　I　hate　a　mob。〃

〃Why　do　you　come？〃　asked　Joan。

〃Oh；　I！〃　answered　the　girl。　　〃I　go　everywhere　where　there's　a　chance　of　picking　up　a　swell　husband。　　They've　got　to　come　to　these　shows；　they　can't　help　themselves。　　One　never　knows　what　incident　may　give　one　one's　opportunity。〃

Joan　shot　a　glance。　　The　girl　was　evidently　serious。

〃You　think　it　would　prove　a　useful　alliance？〃　she　suggested。

〃It　would　help；　undoubtedly；〃　the　girl　answered。　　〃I　don't　see　any　other　way　of　getting　hold　of　them。〃

Joan　seated　herself　on　one　of　the　chairs　ranged　round　the　walls；　and　drew　the　girl　down　beside　her。　　Through　the　closed　door；　the　mingled　voices　of　the　Foreign　Secretary's　guests　sounded　curiously　like　the　buzzing　of　flies。

〃It's　quite　easy；〃　said　Joan；　〃with　your　beauty。　　Especially　if　you're　not　going　to　be　particular。　　But　isn't　there　danger　of　your　devotion　to　your　father　leading　you　too　far？　　A　marriage　founded　on　a　lieno　matter　for　what　purpose！mustn't　it　degrade　a　woman　smirch　her　soul　for　all　time？　　We　have　a　right　to　give　up　the　things　that　belong　to　ourselves；　but　not　the　things　that　belong　to　God：　　our　truth；　our　sincerity；　our　cleanliness　of　mind　and　body；　the　things　that　He　may　one　day　want　of　us。　　It　led　you　into　evil　once　before。　　Don't　think　I'm　judging　you。　　I　was　no　better　than　you。　　I　argued　just　as　you　must　have　done。　　Something　stopped　me　just　in　time。　　That　was　the　only　difference　between　us。〃

The　girl　turned　her　dark　eyes　full　upon　Joan。　　〃What　did　stop　you？〃　she　demanded。

〃Does　it　matter　what　we　call　it？〃　answered　Joan。　　〃It　was　a　voice。〃

〃It　told　me　to　do　it；〃　answered　the　girl。

〃Did　no　other　voice　speak　to　you？〃　asked　Joan。

〃Yes；〃　answered　the　girl。　　〃The　voice　of　weakness。〃

There　came　a　fierce　anger　into　the　dark　eyes。　　〃Why　did　you　listen　to　it？〃　she　demanded。　　〃All　would　have　been　easy　if　you　hadn't。〃

〃You　mean；〃　answered　Joan　quietly；　〃that　if　I　had　let　your　mother　die　and　had　married　your　father；　that　he　and　I　would　have　loved　each　other　to　the　end；　that　I　should　have　helped　him　and　encouraged　him　in　all　things；　so　that　his　success　would　have　been　certain。　　Is　that　the　argument？〃

〃Didn't　you　love　him？〃　asked　the　girl；　staring。　　〃Wouldn't　you　have　helped　him？〃

〃I　can't　tell；〃　answered　Joan。　　〃I　should　have　meant　to。　　Many　men　and　women　have　loved；　and　have　meant　to　help　each　other　all　their　lives；　and　with　the　years　have　drifted　asunder；　coming　even　to　be　against　one　another。　　We　change　and　our　thoughts　change；　slight　differences　of　temperament　grow　into　barriers　between　us；　unguessed　antagonisms　widen　into　gulfs。　　Accidents　come　into　our　lives。　　A　friend　was　telling　me　the　other　day　of　a　woman　who　practically　proposed　to　and　married　a　musical　genius；　purely　and　solely　to　be　of　use　to　him。　　She　earned　quite　a　big　income；　drawing　fashions；　and　her　idea　was　to　relieve　him　of　the　necessity　of　doing　pot…　boilers　for　a　living；　so　that　he　might　devote　his　whole　time　to　his　real　work。　　And　a　few　weeks　after　they　were　married　she　ran　the　point　of　a　lead　pencil　through　her　eye　and　it　set　up　inflammation　of　her　brain。　　And　now　all　the　poor　fellow　has　to　think　of　is　how　to　make　enough　to　pay　for　her　keep　at　a　private　lunatic　asylum。　　I　don't　mean　to　be　flippant。　　It's　the　very　absurdity　of　it　all　that　makes　the　mystery　of　lifethat　renders　it　so　hopeless　for　us　to　attempt　to　find　our　way　through　it　by　our　own　judgment。　　It　is　like　the　ants　making　all　their　clever；　laborious　plans；　knowing　nothing　of　chickens　and　the　gardener's　spade。　　That　is　why　we　have　to　cling　to　the　life　we　can　order　for　ourselvesthe　life　within　us。　　Truth；　Justice；　Pity。　　They　are　the　strong　things；　the　eternal　things；　the　things　we've　got　to　sacrifice　ourselves　forserve　with　our　bodies　and　our　souls。

〃Don't　think　me　a　prig；〃　she　pleaded。　　〃I'm　talking　as　if　I　knew　all　about　it。　　I　don't　really。　　I　grope　in　the　dark；　and　now　and　thenat　least　so　it　seems　to　meI　catch　a　glint　of　light。　　We　are　powerless　in　ourselves。　　It　is　only　God　working　through　us　that　enables　us　to　be　of　any　use。　　All　we　can　do　is　to　keep　ourselves　kind　and　clean　and　free　from　self；　waiting　for　Him　to　come　to　us。〃

The　girl　rose。　　〃I　must　be　getting　back；〃　she　said。　　〃Dad　will　be　wondering　where　I've　got　to。〃

She　paused　with　the　door　in　her　hand；　and　a　faint　smile　played　round　the　thin　red　lips。

〃Tell　me；〃　she　said。　　〃What　is　God？〃

〃A　Labourer；　together　with　man；　according　to　Saint　Paul；〃　Joan　answered。

The　girl　turned　and　went。　　Joan　watched　her　as　she　descended　the　great　staircase。　　She　moved　with　a　curious；　gliding　motion；　pausing　at　times　for　the　people　to　make　way　for　her。



CHAPTER　XVI



It　was　a　summer's　evening；　Joan　had　dropped　in　at　the　Greysons　and　had　found　Mary　alone；　Francis　not　having　yet　returned　from　a　bachelor　dinner　at　his　uncle's；　who　was　some　big　pot　in　the　Navy。　They　sat　in　the　twilight；　facing　the　open　French　windows；　through　which　one　caught　a　glimpse　of　the　park。　　A　great　stillness　seemed　to　be　around　them。

The　sale　and　purchase　of　the　Evening　Gazette　had　been　completed　a　few　days　before。　　Greyson　had　been　offered　the　alternative　of　gradually　and　gracefully　changing　his　opinions；　or　getting　out；　and　had；　of　course；　chosen　dismissal。　　He　was　taking　a　holiday；　as　Mary　explained　with　a　short　laugh。

〃He　had　some　shares　in　it　himself；　hadn't　he？〃　Joan　asked。

〃Oh；　just　enough　to　be　of　no　use；〃　Mary　answered。　　〃Carleton　was　rather　decent；　so　far　as　that　part　of　it　was　concerned；　and　insisted　on　paying　him　a　fair　price。　　The　market　value　would　have　been　much　less；　and　he　wanted　to　be　out　of　it。〃

Joan　remained　silent。　　It　made　her　mad；　that　a　man　could　be　suddenly　robbed　of　fifteen　years'　labour：　　the　weapon　that　his　heart　and　brain　had　made　keen　wrested　from　his　hand　by　a　legal　process；　and　turned　against　the　very　principles　for　which　all　his　life　he　had　been　fighting。

〃I'm　almost　more　sorry　for　myself　than　for　him；〃　said　Mary；　making　a　whimsical　grimace。　　〃He　will　start　something　else；　so　soon　as　he's　got　over　his　first　soreness；　but　I'm　too　old　to　dream　of　another　child。〃

He　came　in　a　little　later　and；　seating　himself　between　them；　filled　and　lighted　his　pipe。　　Looking　back；　Joan　remembered　that　curiously　none　of　them　had　spoken。　　Mary　had　turned　at　the　sound　of　his　key　in　the　door。　　She　seemed　to　be　watching　him　intently；　but　it　was　too　dark　to　notice　her　expression。　　He　pulled　at　his　pipe　till　it　was　well　alight　and　then　removed　it。

〃It's　war；〃　he　said。

The　words　made　no　immediate　impression　upon　Joan。　　There　had　been　rumours；　threatenings　and　alarms；　newspaper　talk。　　But　so　there　had　been　before。　　It　would　come　one　day：　　the　world　war　that　one　felt　was　gathering　in　the　air；　that　would　burst　like　a　second　deluge　on　the　nations。　　But　it　would　not　be　in　our　time：　　it　was　too　big。　　A　way　out　would　be　found。

〃Is　there　no　hope？〃　asked　Mary。

〃Yes；〃　he　answered。　　〃The　hope　that　a　miracle　may　happen。　　The　Navy's　got　its　orders。〃

And　suddenlyas　years　before　in　a　Paris　music　hallthere　leapt　to　life　within　Joan's　brain　a　little　impish　creature　that　took　possession　of　her。　　She　hoped　the　miracle　would　not　happen。　　The　little　impish　creature　within　her　brain　was　marching　up　and　down　beating　a　drum。　　She　wished　he　would　stop　a　minute。　　Someone　was　trying　to　talk　to　her；　telling　her　she　ought　to　be　tremendously　shocked　and　grieved。　　Heor　she；　or　whatever　it　was　that　was　trying　to　talk　to　her；　appeared　concerned　about　Reason　and　Pity　and　Universal　Brotherhood　and　Civilization's　clockthings　like　that。　But　the　little　impish　drummer　was　making　such　a　din；　she　couldn't　properly　hear。　　Later　on；　perhaps；　he　would　get　tired；　and　then　she　would　be　able　to　listen　to　this　humane　and　sensible　person；　whoever　it　might　be。

Mary　argued　that　England　could　and　should　keep　out　of　it；　but　Greyson　was　convinced　it　would　be　impossible；　not　to　say　dishonourable：　　a　sentiment　that　won　the　enthusiastic　approval　of　the　little　drummer　in　Joan's　brain。　　He　played　〃Rule　Britannia〃　and　〃God　Save　the　King；〃　the　〃Marseillaise〃　and　the　Russian　National　hymn；　all　at　the　same　time。　　He　would　have　included　〃Deutschland　uber　Alles；〃　if　Joan　hadn't　made　a　supreme　effort　and　stopped　him。　Evidently　a　sporting　little　devil。　　He　took　himself　off　into　a　corner　after　a　time；　where　he　played　quietly