a new england girlhood-第10部分

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〃Hark；　from　the　tombs；〃　and

〃Lord；　what　a　wretched　land　is　this；　That　yields　us　no　supply。〃

I　suppose　that　these　mournful　strains　had　their　place；　but　sometimes　the　transition　was　too　sudden；　from　the　outside　of　the　meeting…house　to　the　inside；　from　the　sunshine　and　bobolinks　and　buttercups　of　the　merry　May…day　world；　to　the　sad　strains　that　chanted　of　〃this　barren　land；〃　this　〃vale　of　tears；〃　this　〃wilderness〃　of　distress　and　woe。　It　let　us　light…hearted　children　too　quickly　down　from　the　higher　key　of　mirth　to　which　our　careless　thoughts　were　pitched。　We　knew　that　we　were　happy；　and　sorrow　to　us　was　unreal。　But　somehow　we　did　often　get　the　impression　that　it　was　our　duty　to　try　to　be　sorrowful；　and　that　we　could　not　be　entirely　good；　without　being　rather　miserable。

And　I　am　afraid　that　in　my　critical　little　mind　I　looked　upon　it　as　an　affectation　on　the　part　of　the　older　people　to　speak　of　life　in　this　doleful　way。　I　thought　that　they　really　knew　better。　It　seemed　to　me　that　it　must　be　delightful　to　grow　up；　and　learn　things；　and　do　things；　and　be　very　good　indeed；better　than　children　could　possibly　know　how　to　be。　I　knew　afterwards　that　my　elders　were　sometimes；　at　least；　sincere　in　their　sadness；　for　with　many　of　them　life　must　have　been　a　hard　struggle。　But　when　they　shook　their　heads　and　said；〃Child；　you　will　not　be　so　happy　by　and　by；　you　are　seeing　your　best　days　now；〃　I　still　doubted。　I　was　born　with　the　blessing　of　a　cheerful　temperament；　and　while　that　is　not　enough　to　sustain　any　of　us　through　the　inevitable　sorrows　that　all　must　share；　it　would　have　been　most　unnatural　and　ungrateful　in　me　to　think　of　earth　as　a　dismal　place；　when　everything　without　and　within　was　trying　to　tell　me　that　this　good　and　beautiful　world　belongs　to　God。

I　took　exception　to　some　verses　in　many　of　the　hymns　that　I　loved　the　most。　I　had　my　own　mental　reservations　with　regard　even　to　that　glorious　chant　of　the　ages；

〃Jerusalem；　my　happy　home；　Name　ever　dear　to　me。〃

I　always　wanted　to　skip　one　half　of　the　third　stanza；　as　it　stood　in　our　Hymn…Book：

〃Where　congregations　ne'er　break　up；　And　Sabbaths　have　no　end。〃

I　did　not　want　it　to　be　Sabbath…day　always。　I　was　conscious　of　a　pleasure　in　the　thought　of　games　and　frolics　and　coming　week…day　delights　that　would　flit　across　my　mind　even　when　I　was　studying　my　hymns；　or　trying　to　listen　to　the　minister。　And　I　did　want　the　congregation　to　break　up　some　time。　Indeed；　in　those　bright　spring　days；　the　last　hymn　in　the　afternoon　always　sounded　best；　because　with　it　came　the　opening　of　doors　into　the　outside　air；　and　the　pouring　in　of　a　mingled　scent　of　sea　winds　and　apple　blossoms；　like　an　invitation　out　into　the　freedom　of　the　beach；　the　hillsides；　the　fields　and　gardens　and　orchards。　In　all　this　I　felt　as　if　I　were　very　wicked。　I　was　afraid　that　I　loved　earth　better　than　I　did　heaven。

Nevertheless　I　always　did　welcome　that　last　hymn；　announced　to　be　sung　〃with　the　Doxology；〃　usually　in　〃long　metre；〃　to　the　tune　of　〃Old　Hundred。〃　There　were　certain　mysterious　preliminaries；the　rustling　of　singing…book　leaves；　the　sliding　of　the　short　screen…　curtains　before　the　singers　along　by　their　clinking　rings；　and　now　and　then　a　premonitory　groan　or　squeak　from　bass…viol　or　violin；　as　if　the　instruments　were　clearing　their　throats；　and　finally　the　sudden　uprising　of　that　long　row　of　heads　in　the　〃singing…seats。〃

My　tallest　and　prettiest　grown…up　sister；　Louise；　stood　there　among　them；　and　of　all　those　girlish；　blooming　faces　I　thought　hers　the　very　handsomest。　But　she　did　not　open　her　lips　wide　enough　to　satisfy　me。　I　could　not　see　that　she　was　singing　at　all。

To　stand　up　there　and　be　one　of　the　choir；　seemed　to　me　very　little　short　of　promotion　to　the　ranks　of　cherubim　and　seraphim。　I　quite　envied　that　tall；　pretty　sister　of　mine。　I　was　sure　that　I　should　open　my　mouth　wide；　if　I　could　only　be　in　her　place。　Alas！　the　years　proved　that；　much　as　I　loved　the　hymns；　there　was　no　music　in　me　to　give　them　voice；　except　to　very　indulgent　ears。

Some　of　us　must　wait　for　the　best　human　gifts　until　we　come　to　heavenly　places。　Our　natural　desire　for　musical　utterance　is　perhaps　a　prophecy　that　in　a　perfect　world　we　shall　all　know　how　to　sing。　But　it　is　something　to　feel　music；　if　we　cannot　make　it。　That；　in　itself；　is　a　kind　of　unconscious　singing。

As　I　think　back　to　my　childhood；　it　seems　to　me　as　if　the　air　was　full　of　hymns；　as　it　was　of　the　fragrance　of　clover…blossoms；　and　the　songs　of　bluebirds　and　robins；　and　the　deep　undertone　of　the　sea。　And　the　purity；　the　calmness；　and　the　coolness　of　the　dear　old　Sabbath　days　seems　lingering　yet　in　the　words　of　those　familiar　hymns；　whenever　I　bear　them　sung。　Their　melody　penetrates　deep　into　my　life；　assuming　me　that　I　have　not　left　the　green　pastures　and　the　still　waters　of　my　childhood　very　far　behind　me。

There　is　something　at　the　heart　of　a　true　song　or　hymn　which　keeps　the　heart　young　that　listens。　It　is　like　a　breeze　from　the　eternal　hills；　like　the　west　wind　of　spring；　never　by　a　breath　less　balmy　and　clear　for　having　poured　life　into　the　old　generations　of　earth　for　thousands　of　years；　a　spiritual　freshness；　which　has　nothing　to　do　with　time　or　decay。

IV。

NAUGHTY　CHILDREN　AND　FAIRY　TALES。

ALTHOUGH　the　children　of　an　earlier　time　heard　a　great　deal　of　theological　discussion　which　meant　little　or　nothing　to　them；　there　was　one　thing　that　was　made　clear　and　emphatic　in　all　the　Puritan　training：　that　the　heavens　and　earth　stood　upon　firm　foundationsupon　the　Moral　Law　as　taught　in　the　Old　Testament　and　confirmed　by　the　New。　Whatever　else　we　did　not　understand；　we　believed　that　to　disobey　our　parents；　to　lie　or　steal；　had　been　forbidden　by　a　Voice　which　was　not　to　be　gainsaid。　People　who　broke　or　evaded　these　commands　did　so　willfully；　and　without　excusing　themselves；　or　being　excused　by　others。　I　think　most　of　us　expected　the　fate　of　Ananias　and　Sapphira；　if　we　told　what　we　knew　was　a　falsehood。

There　were　reckless　exceptions；　however。　A　playmate；　of　whom　I　was　quite　fond；　was　once　asked；　in　my　presence；　whether　she　had　done　something　forbidden；　which　I　knew　she　had　been　about　only　a　little　while　before。　　She　answered　〃No；〃　and　without　any　apparent　hesitation。　After　the　person　who　made　the　inquiry　had　gone；　I　exclaimed；　with　horrified　wonder；　〃How　could　you？〃

Her　reply　was；　〃Oh；　I　only　kind　of　said　no。〃　What　a　real　lie　was　to　her；　if　she　understood　a　distinct　denial　of　the　truth　as　only　〃kind…of〃　lying；　it　perplexed　me　to　imagine。　The　years　proved　that　this　lack　of　moral　perception　was　characteristic；　and　nearly　spoiled　a　nature　full　of　beautiful　gifts。

I　could　not　deliberately　lie；　but　I　had　my　own　temptations；　which　I　did　not　always　successfully　resist。　I　remember　the　very　spot　in　a　footpath　through　a　green　fieldwhere　I　first　met　the　Eighth　Commandment；　and　felt　it　looking　me　full　in　the　face。

I　suppose　I　was　five　or　six　years　old。　I　had　begun　to　be　trusted　with　errands；　one　of　them　was　to　go　to　a　farmhouse　for　a　quart　of　milk　every　morning；　to　purchase　which　I　went　always　to　the　money…　drawer　in　the　shop　and　took　out　four　cents。　We　were　allowed　to　take　a　〃small　brown〃　biscuit；　or　a　date；　or　a　fig；　or　a　〃gibral…　tar；〃　sometimes；　but　we　well　understood　that　we　could　not　help　ourselves　to　money。

Now　there　was　a　little　painted　sugar　equestrian　in　a　shop…window　down　town；　which　I　had　seen　and　set　my　heart　upon。　I　had　learned　that　its　price　was　two　cents；　and　one　morning　as　I　passed　around　the　counter　with　my　tin　pail　I　made　up　my　mind　to　possess　myself　of　that　amount。　My　father's　back　was　turned；　he　was　busy　at　his　desk　with　account…books　and　ledgers。　I　counted　out　four　cents　aloud；　but　took　six；　and　started　on　my　errand　with　a　fascinating　picture　before　me　of　that　pink　and　green　horseback　rider　as　my　very　own。

I　cannot　imagine　what　I　meant　to　do　with　him。　I　knew　that　his　paint　was　poisonous；　and　I　could　not　have　intended　to　eat　him；　there　were　much　better　candies　in　my　father's　window；　he　would　not　sell　these　dangerous　painted　toys　to　children。　But　the　little　man　was　pretty　to　look　at；　and　I　wanted　him；　and　meant　to　have　him。　It　was　just　a　child's　first　temptation　to　get　possession　of　what　was　not　her　own；the　same　ugly　temptation　that　produces　the　defaulter；　the　burglar；　and　the　highway　robber；　and　that　made　it　necessary　to　declare　to　every　human　being　the　law；　〃Thou　shalt　not　covet。〃

As　I　left　the　shop；　I　was　conscious　of　a　certain　pleasure　in　the　success　of　my　attempt；　as　any　thief　might　be；　and　I　walked　off　very　fast；　clattering　the　coppers　in　the　tin　pail。

When　I　was　fairly　through　the　bars　that　led　into　the　farmer's　field；　and　nobody　was　in　sight；　I　took　out　my　purloined　pennies；　and　looked　at　them　as　they　lay　in　my　palm。

Then　a　strange　thing　happened。　It　was　a　bright　morning；　but　it　seemed　to　me　as　if　the　sky　grew　suddenly　dark；　and　those　two　pennies　began　to　burn　through　my　hand；　to　scorch　me；　as　if　they　were　red　hot；　to　my　very　soul。　It　was　agony　to　hold　them。　I　laid　them　down　under　a　tuft　of　grass　in　the　footpath；　and　ran　as　if　I　had　left　a　demon　behind　me。　I　did　my　errand；　and　returning；　I　looked　about　in　the　grass　for　the　two　cents；　wondering　whether　they　could　make　me　feel　so　badly　again。　But　my