a new england girlhood-第23部分

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；　it　has　only　been　permitted　to　me　as　an　aside　from　other　more　pressing　employments。　Whether　I　should　have　written　better　verses　had　circumstances　left　me　free　to　do　what　I　chose；　it　is　impossible　now　to　know。

All　my　thoughts　about　my　future　sent　me　back　to　Aunt　Hannah　and　my　first　infantile　idea　of　being　a　teacher。　I　foresaw　that　I　should　be　that　before　I　could　be　or　do　any　thing　else。　It　had　been　impressed　upon　me　that　I　must　make　myself　useful　in　the　world；　and　certainly　one　could　be　useful　who　could　〃keep　school〃　as　Aunt　Hannah　did。　I　did　not　see　anything　else　for　a　girl　to　do　who　wanted　to　use　her　brains　as　well　as　her　hands。　So　the　plan　of　preparing　myself　to　be　a　teacher　gradually　and　almost　uncon…　sciously　shaped　itself　in　my　mind　as　the　only　practicable　one。　I　could　earn　my　living　in　that　way；all…important　consideration。

I　liked　the　thought　of　self…support；　but　I　would　have　chosen　some　artistic　or　beautiful　work　if　I　could。　I　had　no　especial　aptitude　for　teaching；　and　no　absorbing　wish　to　be　a　teacher；　but　it　seemed　to　me　that　I　might　succeed　if　I　tried。　What　I　did　like　about　it　was　that　one　must　know　something　first。　I　must　acquire　knowledge　before　I　could　impart　it；　and　that　was　just　what　I　wanted。　I　could　be　a　student；　wherever　I　was　and　whatever　else　I　had　to　be　or　do；　and　I　would！

I　knew　I　should　write；　I　could　not　help　doing　that；　for　my　hand　seemed　instinctively　to　move　towards　pen　and　paper　in　moments　of　leisure。　But　to　write　anything　worth　while；　I　must　have　mental　cultivation；　so；　in　preparing　myself　to　teach；　I　could　also　be　preparing　myself　to　write。

This　was　the　plan　that　indefinitely　shaped　itself　in　my　mind　as　I　returned　to　my　work　in　the　spinning…room；　and　which　I　followed　out；　not　without　many　breaks　and　hindrances　and　neglects；　during　the　next　six　or　seven　years；to　learn　all　I　could；　so　that　I　should　be　fit　to　teach　or　to　write；　as　the　way　opened。　And　it　turned　out　that　fifteen　or　twenty　of　my　best　years　were　given　to　teaching。

VIII。

BY　THE　RIVER。

IT　did　not　take　us　younger　ones　long　to　get　acquainted　with　our　new　home；　and　to　love　it。

To　live　beside　a　river　had　been　to　me　a　child's　dream　of　romance。　Rivers；　as　I　pictured　them；　came　down　from　the　mountains；　and　were　born　in　the　clouds。　They　were　bordered　by　green　meadows；　and　graceful　trees　leaned　over　to　gaze　into　their　bright　mirrors。　Our　shallow　tidal　creek　was　the　only　river　I　had　known；　except　as　visioned　on　the　pages　of　the　〃Pilgrim's　Progress；〃　and　in　the　Book　of　Revelation。　And　the　Merrimack　was　like　a　continuation　of　that　dream。

I　soon　made　myself　familiar　with　the　rocky　nooks　along　Pawtucket　Falls；　shaded　with　hemlocks　and　white　birches。　Strange　new　wild　flowers　grew　beside　the　rushing　waters；　among　them　Sir　Walter　Scott's　own　harebells；　which　I　had　never　thought　of　except　as　blossoms　of　poetry；　here　they　were；　as　real　to　me　as　to　his　Lady　of　the　Lake！　I　loved　the　harebell；　the　first　new　flower　the　river　gave　me；　as　I　had　never　loved　a　flower　before。

There　was　but　one　summers　holiday　for　us　who　worked　in　the　mills　the　Fourth　of　July。　We　made　a　point　of　spending　it　out　of　doors；　making　excursions　down　the　river　to　watch　the　meeting　of　the　slow　Concord　and　the　swift　Merrimack；　or　around　by　the　old　canal…path；　to　explore　the　mysteries　of　the　Guard　Locks；　or　across　the　bridge；　clambering　up　Dracut　Heights；　to　look　away　to　the　dim　blue　mountains。

On　that　morning　it　was　our　custom　to　wake　one　another　at　four　o'clock；　and　start　off　on　a　tramp　together　over　some　retired　road　whose　chief　charm　was　its　unfamiliarity；　returning　to　a　very　late　breakfast；　with　draggled　gowns　and　aprons　full　of　dewy　wild　roses。　No　matter　if　we　must　get　up　at　five　the　next　morning　and　go　back　to　our　hum…drum　toil；　we　should　have　the　roses　to　take　with　us　for　company；　and　the　sweet　air　of　the　woodland　which　lingered　about　them　would　scent　our　thoughts　all　day；　and　make　us　forget　the　oily　smell　of　the　machinery。

We　were　children　still；　whether　at　school　or　at　work；　and　Nature　still　held　us　close　to　her　motherly　heart。　Nature　came　very　close　to　the　mill…gates；　too；　in　those　days。　There　was　green　grass　all　around　them；　violets　and　wild　geraniums　grew　by　the　canals；　and　long　stretches　of　open　land　between　the　corporation　buildings　and　the　street　made　the　town　seem　country…like。

The　slope　behind　our　mills　（the　〃Lawrence〃　Mills）　was　a　green　lawn；　and　in　front　of　some　of　them　the　overseers　had　gay　flower…　gardens；　we　passed　in　to　our　work　through　a　splendor　of　dahlias　and　hollyhocks。

The　gray　stone　walls　of　St。　Anne's　church　and　rectory　made　a　picturesque　spot　in　the　middle　of　the　town；　remaining　still　as　a　lasting　monument　to　the　religious　purpose　which　animated　the　first　manufacturers。　The　church　arose　close　to　the　oldest　corporation　（the　〃Merrimack〃）；　and　seemed　a　part　of　it；　and　a　part；　also；　of　the　original　idea　of　the　place　itself；　which　was　always　a　city　of　worshipers；　although　it　came　to　be　filled　with　a　population　which　preferred　meeting…houses　to　churches。　I　admired　the　church　greatly。　I　had　never　before　seen　a　real　one；　never　anything　but　a　plain　frame　meeting…house；　and　it　and　its　benign；　apostolic…looking　rector　were　like　a　leaf　out　of　an　English　story…book。

And　so；　also；　was　the　tiny　white　cottage　nearly　opposite；　set　in　the　middle　of　a　pretty　flower…garden　that　sloped　down　to　the　canal。　In　the　garden　there　was　almost　always　a　sweet　little　girl　in　a　pink　gown　and　white　sunbonnet　gathering　flowers　when　I　passed　that　way；　and　I　often　went　out　of　my　path　to　do　so。　These　relieved　the　monotony　of　the　shanty…like　shops　which　bordered　the　main　street。　The　town　had　sprung　up　with　a　mushroom…rapidity；　and　there　was　no　attempt　at　veiling　the　newness　of　its　bricks　and　mortar；　its　boards　and　paint。

But　there　were　buildings　that　had　their　own　individuality；　and　asserted　it。　　One　of　these　was　a　mud…cabin　with　a　thatched　roof；　that　looked　as　if　it　had　emigrated　bodily　from　the　bogs　of　Ireland。　It　had　settled　itself　down　into　a　green　hollow　by　the　roadside；　and　it　looked　as　much　at　home　with　the　lilac…tinted　crane's…bill　and　yellow　buttercups　as　if　it　had　never　lost　sight　of　the　shamrocks　of　Erin。

Now；　too；　my　childish　desire　to　see　a　real　beggar　was　gratified。　Straggling　petitioners　for　〃cold　victuals〃　hung　around　our　back　yard；　always　of　Hibernian　extraction；　and　a　slice　of　bread　was　rewarded　with　a　shower　of　benedictions　that　lost　itself　upon　us　in　the　flood　of　its　own　incomprehensible　brogue。

Some　time　every　summer　a　fleet　of　canoes　would　glide　noiselessly　up　the　river；　and　a　company　of　Penobscot　Indians　would　land　at　a　green　point　almost　in　sight　from　our　windows。　Pawtucket　Falls　had　always　been　one　of　their　favorite　camping…places。　Their　strange　endeavors；　to　combine　civilization　with　savagery　were　a　great　source　of　amusement　to　us；　men　and　women　clad　alike　in　loose　gowns；　stove…pipe　hats；　and　moccasons；　grotesque　relies　of　aboriginal　forest…life。　The　sight　of　these　uncouth…looking　red　men　made　the　romance　fade　entirely　out　of　the　Indian　stories　we　had　heard。　Still　their　wigwam　camp　was　a　show　we　would　not　willingly　have　missed。

The　transition　from　childhood　to　girlhood；　when　a　little　girl　has　had　an　almost　unlimited　freedom　of　out…of…door　life；　is　practically　the　toning　down　of　a　mild　sort　of　barbarianism；　and　is　often　attended　by　a　painfully　awkward　self…consciousness。　I　had　an　innate　dislike　of　conventionalities。　I　clung　to　the　child's　inalienable　privilege　of　running　half　wild；　and　when　I　found　that　I　really　was　growing　up；　I　felt　quite　rebellious。

I　was　as　tall　as　a　woman　at　thirteen；　and　my　older　sisters　insisted　upon　lengthening　my　dresses；　and　putting　up　my　mop　of　hair　with　a　comb。　I　felt　injured　and　almost　outraged　because　my　protestations　against　this　treatment　were　unheeded　and　when　the　transformation　in　my　visible　appearance　was　effected；　I　went　away　by　myself　and　had　a　good　cry；　which　I　would　not　for　the　world　have　had　them　know　about；　as　that　would　have　added　humiliation　to　my　distress。　And　the　greatest　pity　about　it　was　that　I　too　soon　became　accustomed　to　the　situation。　I　felt　like　a　child；　but　considered　it　my　duty　to　think　and　behave　like　a　woman。　I　began　to　look　upon　it　as　a　very　serious　thing　to　live。　The　untried　burden　seemed　already　to　have　touched　my　shoulders。　For　a　time　I　was　morbidly　self…critical；　and　at　the　same　time　extremely　reserved。　The　associates　I　chose　were　usually　grave　young　women；　ten　or　fifteen　years　older　than　myself；　but　I　think　I　felt　older　and　appeared　older　than　they　did。

Childhood；　however；　is　not　easily　defrauded　of　its　birthright；　and　mine　soon　reasserted　itself。　At　home　I　was　among　children　of　my　own　age；　for　some　cousins　and　other　acquaintances　had　come　to　live　and　work　with　us。　We　had　our　evening　frolics　and　entertain…　ments　together；　and　we　always　made　the　most　of　our　brief　holiday　hours。　We　had　also　with　us　now　the　sister　Emilie　of　my　fairy…tale　memories；　who　had　grown　into　a　strong；　earnest…hearted　woman。　We　all　looked　up　to　her　as　our　model；　and　the　ideal　of　our　heroine…　worship；　for　our　deference　to　her　in　every　way　did　amount　to　that。

She　watched　over　us；　gave　us　needed　reproof　and　commendation；　rarely　cosseted　us；　but　rather　made　us　laugh　at　what　many　would　have　cons