a new england girlhood-第37部分

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My　friend　Angeline；　with　whom　I　used　to　read　〃Paradise　Lost；〃　went　to　Ohio　as　a　teacher；　and　returned　the　following　year；　for　a　very　brief　visit；　however；and　with　a　husband。　Another　acquaintance　was　in　Wisconsin；　teaching　a　pioneer　school。　Eliza；　my　intimate　companion；　was　about　to　be　married　to　a　clergyman。　She；　too；　eventually　settled　at　the　West。

The　event　which　brought　most　change　into　my　own　life　was　the　marriage　of　my　sister　Emilie。　It　involved　the　breaking　up　of　our　own　little　family；　of　which　she　had　really　been　the　〃houseband；〃　the　return　of　my　mother　to　my　sisters　at　Beverly；　and　my　going　to　board　among　strangers；　as　other　girls　did。　I　found　excellent　quarters　and　kind　friends；　but　the　home…life　was　ended。

My　sister's　husband　was　a　grammar　school　master　in　the　city；　and　their　cottage；　a　mile　or　more　out；　among　the　open　fields；　was　my　frequent　refuge　from　homesickness　and　the　general　clatter。　Our　partial　separation　showed　me　how　much　I　had　depended　upon　my　sister。　I　had　really　let　her　do　most　of　my　thinking　for　me。　Henceforth　I　was　to　trust　to　my　own　resources。　I　was　no　longer　the　〃little　sister〃　who　could　ask　what　to　do；　and　do　as　she　was　told。　It　often　brought　me　a　feeling　of　dismay　to　find　that　I　must　make　up　my　own　mind　about　things　small　and　great。　And　yet　I　was　naturally　self…reliant。　I　am　not　sure　but　self…reliance　and　dependence　really　belong　together。　They　do　seem　to　meet　in　the　same　character；　like　other　extremes。

The　health　of　Emilie's　husband　failing；　after　a　year　or　two；　it　was　evident　that　be　must　change　his　employment　and　his　residence。　He　decided　to　go　with　his　brother　to　Illinois　and　settle　upon　a　prairie　farm。　Of　course　his　wife　and　baby　boy　must　go　too；　and　with　the　announcement　of　this　decision　came　an　invitation　to　me　to　accompany　them。　I　had　no　difficulty　as　to　my　response。　It　was　just　what　I　wanted　to　do。　I　was　to　teach　a　district　school；　but　what　there　was　beyond　that；　I　could　not　guess。　I　liked　to　feel　that　it　was　all　as　vague　as　the　unexplored　regions　to　which　I　was　going。　My　friend　and　room…mate　Sarah；　who　was　preparing　herself　to　be　a　teacher；　was　invited　to　join　us；　and　she　was　glad　to　do　so。　It　was　all　quickly　settled；　and　early　in　the　spring　of　1846　we　left　New　England。

When　I　came　to　a　realization　of　what　I　was　leaving；　when　good…bys　had　to　be　said；　I　began　to　feel　very　sorrowful；　and　to　wish　it　was　not　to　be。　I　said　positively　that　I　should　soon　return；　but　underneath　my　protestations　I　was　afraid　that　I　might　not。　The　West　was　very　far　off　then；　a　full　week's　journey。　It　would　be　hard　getting　back。　Those　I　loved　might　die；　I　might　die　myself。　These　thoughts　passed　through　my　mind；　though　not　through　my　lips。　My　eyes　would　sometimes　tell　the　story；　however；　and　I　fancy　that　my　tearful　farewells　must　have　seemed　ridiculous　to　many　of　my　friends；　since　my　going　was　of　my　own　cheerful　choice。

The　last　meeting　of　the　Improvement　Circle　before　I　went　away　was　a　kind　of　surprise　party　to　me。　Several　original　poems　were　read；　addressed　to　me　personally。　I　am　afraid　that　I　received　it　all　in　a　dumb；　undemonstrative　way；　for　I　could　not　make　it　seem　real　that　I　was　the　person　meant；　or　that　I　was　going　away　at　all。　But　I　treasured　those　tributes　of　sympathy　afterwards；　under　the　strange；　spacious　skies　where　I　sometimes　felt　so　alone。

The　editors　of　the　〃Offering〃　left　with　me　a　testimonial　in　money；　accompanied　by　an　acknowledgment　of　my　contributions　during　several　years；　but　I　had　never　dreamed　of　pay；　and　did　not　know　how　to　look　upon　it　so。　I　took　it　gratefully；　however；　as　a　token　of　their　appreciation；　and　twenty　dollars　was　no　small　help　toward　my　outfit。　Friends　brought　me　books　and　other　keepsakes。　Our　minister；　gave　me　D'Aubigne's　〃History　of　the　Reformation〃　as　a　parting　gift。　It　was　quite　a　circumstance　to　be　〃going　out　West。〃

The　exhilaration　of　starting　off　on　one's　first　long　journey；　young；　ignorant；　buoyant；　expectant；　is　unlike　anything　else；　unless　it　be　youth　itself；　the　real　beginning　of　the　real　journey　life。　Annoyances　are　overlooked。　Everything　seems　romantic　and　dreamlike。

We　went　by　a　southerly　route；　on　account　of　starting　so　early　in　the　season　there　was　snow　on　the　ground　the　day　we　left。　On　the　second　day；　after　a　moonlight　night　on　Long　Island　Sound；　we　were　floating　down　the　Delaware；　between　shores　misty…green　with　buidding　willows；　then　（most　of　us　seasick；　though　I　was　not）　we　were　tossed　across　Chesapeake　Bay；　then　there　was　a　railway　ride　to　the　Alleghanies；　which　gave　us　glimpses　of　the　Potomac　and　the　Blue　Ridge；　and　of　the　lovely　scenery　around　Harper's　Ferry；　then　followed　a　stifling　night　on　the　mountains；　when　we　were　packed　like　sardines　into　a　stagecoach；　without　a　breath　of　air；　and　the　passengers　were　cross　because　the　baby　cried；　while　I　felt　inwardly　glad　that　one　voice　among　us　could　give　utterance　to　the　general　discomfort；　my　own　part　of　which　I　could　have　borne　if　I　could　only　have　had　an　occasional　peep　out　at　the　mountain…side。　After　that　it　was　all　river…voyaging；　down　the　Monongahela　into　the　Ohio；　and　up　the　Mississippi。

As　I　recall　this　part　of　it；　I　should　say　that　it　was　the　perfection　of　a　Western　journey　to　travel　in　early　spring　by　an　Ohio　River　steamboat；such　steamboats　as　they　had　forty　years　ago；　comfortable；　roomy；　and　well　ordered。　The　company　was　social；　as　Western　emigrants　were　wont　to　be　when　there　were　not　so　very　many　of　them；　and　the　shores　of　the　river；　then　only　thinly　populated；　were　a　constantly　shifting　panorama　of　wilderness　beauty。　I　have　never　since　seen　a　combination　of　spring　colors　so　delicate　as　those　shown　by　the　uplifted　forests　of　the　Ohio；　where　the　pure　white　of　the　dogwood　and　the　peach…　bloom　tint　of　the　red…bud　（Judas　tree）　were　contrasted　with　soft　shades　of　green；　almost　endlessly　various；　on　the　unfolding　leafage。

Contrasted　with　the　Ohio；　the　Mississippi　had　nothing　to　show　but　breadth　and　muddiness。　More　than　one　of　us　glanced　at　its　level　shores；　edged　with　a　monotonous　growth　of　cottonwood；　and　sent　back　a　sigh　towards　the　banks　of　the　Merrimack。　But　we　did　not　let　each　other　know　what　the　sigh　was　for；　until　long　after。　The　breaking…up　of　our　little　company　when　the　steamboat　landed　at　Saint　Louis　was　like　the　ending　of　a　pleasant　dream。　We　had　to　wake　up　to　the　fact　that　by　striking　due　east　thirty　or　forty　miles　across　that　monotonous　Greenness；　we　should　reach　our　destination；　and　must　accept　whatever　we　should　find　there；　with　such　grace　as　we　could。

What　we　did　find；　and　did　not　find；　there　is　not　room　fully　to　relate　here。　Ours　was　at　first　the　roughest　kind　of　pioneering　experience；　such　as　persons　brought　up　in　our　well…to…do　New　England　could　not　be　in　the　least　prepared　for；　though　they　might　imagine　they　were；　as　we　did。　We　were　dropped　down　finally　upon　a　vast　green　expense；　extending　hundreds　of　miles　north　and　south　through　the　State　of　Illinois；　then　known　as　Looking…Glass　Prairie。　The　nearest　cabin　to　our　own　was　about　a　mile　away；　and　so　small　that　at　that　distance　it　looked　like　a　shingle　set　up　endwise　in　the　grass。　Nothing　else　was　in　sight；　not　even　a　tree；　although　we　could　see　miles　and　miles　in　every　direction。　There　were　only　the　hollow　blue　heavens　above　us　and　the　level　green　prairie　around　us；an　immensity　of　intense　loneliness。　We　seldom　saw　a　cloud　in　the　sky；　and　never　a　pebble　beneath　our　feet。　If　we　could　have　picked　up　the　commonest　one；　we　should　have　treasured　it　like　a　diamond。　Nothing　in　nature　now　seemed　so　beautiful　to　us　as　rocks。　We　had　never　dreamed　of　a　world　without　them；　it　seemed　like　living　on　a　floor　without　walls　or　foundations。

After　a　while　we　became　accustomed　to　the　vast　sameness；　and　even　liked　it　in　a　lukewarm　way。　And　there　were　times　when　it　filled　us　with　emotions　of　grandeur。　Boundlessness　in　itself　is　impressive；　it　makes　us　feel　our　littleness；　and　yet　releases　us　from　that　littleness。

The　grass　was　always　astir；　blowing　one　way；　like　the　waves　of　the　sea；　for　there　was　a　steady；　almost　an　unvarying　wind　from　the　south。　It　was　like　the　sea；　and　yet　even　more　wonderful；　for　it　was　a　sea　of　living　and　growing　things。　The　Spirit　of　God　was　moving　upon　the　face　of　the　earth；　and　breathing　everything　into　life。　We　were　but　specks　on　the　great　landscape。　But　God　was　above　it　all；　penetrating　it　and　us　with　his　infinite　warmth。　The　distance　from　human　beings　made　the　Invisible　One　seem　so　near！　Only　Nature　and　ourselves　now；　face　to　face　with　Him！

We　could　scarcely　have　found　in　all　the　world　a　more　complete　contrast　to　the　moving　crowds　and　the　whir　and　dust　of　the　City　of　Spindles；　than　this　unpeopled；　silent　prairie。

For　myself；　I　know　that　I　was　sent　in　upon　my　own　thoughts　deeper　than　I　had　ever　been　before。　I　began　to　question　things　which　I　had　never　before　doubted。　I　must　have　reality。　Nothing　but　transparent　truth　would　bear　the　test　of　this　great；　solitary　stillness。　As　the　prairies　lay　open　to　the　sunshine；　my　heart　seemed　to　lie　bare　beneath　the　piercing　eye　of　the　All…Seeing。　I　may　say　with　gratitude　that　only　some　superficial　rubbish　of　acquired　opinion　was　scorched　away　by　this　searching　light　and　heat。　The　faith　of　my　childhood；　in　its　simplest　elements；　took　firmer　root　as　it　found　broad