the burning spear-第28部分

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It　was　while　he　was　standing　there；　encircled　by；　pigeons　and　forgotten

by　his　fellow　man；　that　there　came　to　him　a　spiritual　revelation。

〃Strange！〃　he　thought；　〃I　notice　a　certain　inconsistency　in　myself；　and

even　in　my　utterances。　　I　am　two　men；　one　of　whom　is　me　and　one　not　me；

and　the　one　which　is　not　me　is　the　one　which　causes　me　to　fall　into　the

arms　of　policemen　and　other　troubles。　　The　one　which　is　me　loves　these

pigeons；　and　desires　to　live　quietly　with　my　dog；　not　considering　public

affairs；　which；　indeed；　seem　to　be　suited　to　persons　of　another　sort。

Whence；　then；　comes　the　one　which　is　not　me？　　Can　it　be　that　it　is

derived　from　the　sayings　and　writings　of　others；　and　is　but　a　spurious

spirit　only　meet　to　be　outcast？　　Do　I；　to　speak　in　the　vernacular；　care

any　buttons　whether　we　stick　to　Gibraltar　or　not　so　long　as　men　do　but

live　in　kindness？　　And　if　that　is　so；　have　I　the　right　to　say　I　do？

Ought　I　not；　rather；　to　be　true　to　my　private　self　and　leave　the　course

of　public　affairs　to　those　who　have　louder　voices　and　no　private　selves？〃

The　thought　was　extremely　painful；　for　it　seemed　to　disclose　to　him　grave

inconsistency　in　the　recent　management　of　his　life。　　And；　thoroughly

mortified；　he　turned　round　with　a　view　of　entering　the　National　Gallery

and　soothing　his　spirit　with　art；　when　he　was　arrested　by　the　placard

which　covered　it　announcing　which　town　had　taken　which　sum　of　bonds。

This　lighted　up　such　a　new　vista　of　public　utility　that　his　brain　would

certainly　have　caught　fire　again　if　one　of　the　policemen　who　had

conducted　him　across　the　Square　had　not　touched　him　on　the　arm；　and　said：



〃How　are　you　now；　sir？〃



〃I　am　pretty　well；　thank　you；　policeman；〃　replied　Mr。　Lavender；　〃and

sorry　that　I　occasioned　so　much　disturbance。〃



〃Don't　mention　it；　sir；〃　answered　the　policeman；　〃you　came　a　nasty

crump。〃



〃Tell　me；〃　said　Mr。　Lavender；　suddenly　looking　up　into　his　face；　〃do　you

consider　that　a　man　is　justified　in　living　a　private　life？　　For；　as

regards　my　future；　it　is　largely　on　your　opinion　that　I　shall　act。〃



The　policeman；　whose　solid　face　showed　traces　of　astonishment；　answered

slowly：　〃As　a　general　thing；　a　man's　private　life　don't　bear　lookin'

into；　as　you　know；　sir。〃



〃I　have　not　lived　one　for　some　time；〃　said　Mr。　Lavender。



〃Well；〃　remarked　the　policeman；　〃if　you　take　my　advice　you　won't　try　it

a…gain。　　I　should　say　you　'adn't　the　constitution。〃



〃I　fear　you　do　not　catch　my　meaning；〃　returned　Mr。　Lavender；　whose　whole

body　was　aching　from　his　fall；　〃it　is　my　public　life　which　tries　me。〃



〃Well；　then；　I　should　chuck　it；〃　said　the　policeman。



〃Really？〃　murmured　Mr。　Lavender　eagerly　〃would　you？〃



〃Why　not？〃　said　the　…policeman。



So　excited　was　Mr。　Lavender　by　this　independent　confirmation　of　his

sudden　longing　that　he　took　out　half　a　crown。



〃You　will　oblige　me　greatly；〃　he　said；　by　accepting　this　as　a　token　of　my

gratitude。〃



〃Well；　sir；　I'll　humour　you；〃　answered　the　policeman；　〃though　it　was　no

trouble；　I'm　sure；　you're　as　light　as　a　feather。　　Goin'　anywhere　in

particular？〃　he　added。



〃Yes；〃　said　Mr。　Lavender；　rather　faintly；　〃the　Tube　Station。〃



〃Come　along　with　me；　then。〃



Mr。　Lavender　went　along；　not　sorry　to　have　the　protection　of　that

stalwart　form；　for　his　nerve　was　shaken；　not　so　much　by　physical

suffering　as　by　the　revelation　he　had　received。



〃If　you'll　take　my　tip；　sir；〃　said　the　policeman；　parting　from　him；　〃you

won't　try　no　private　life　again；　you　don't　look　strong。〃



〃Thank　you；　policeman；〃　said　Mr。　Lavender　musingly；　〃it　is　kind　of　you　to

take　an　interest　in　me。　　Good…bye！〃



Safely　seated　in　the　Tube　for　Hampstead　he　continued　the　painful　struggle

of　his　meditations。　　〃If；　indeed；〃　he　thought；　〃as　a　public　man　I　do　more

harm　than　good；　I　am　prepared　to　sacrifice　all　for　my　country's　sake　and

retire　into　private　life。　　But　the　policeman　said　that　would　be　dangerous

for　me。　　What；　then；　is　left？　　To　live　neither　a　public　nor　a　private

life！〃



This　thought；　at　once　painful　and　heroic；　began　to　take　such　hold　of　him

that　he　arrived　at　his　house　in　a　high　fever　of　the　brain。









XXI



AND　ASCENDS　TO　PARADISE



Now　when　Mr。　Lavender　once　slept　over　an　idea　it　became　so　strong　that　no

power　on　earth　could　prevent　his　putting　it　into　execution；　and　all　night

long　he　kept　Blink　awake　by　tramping　up　and　down　his　bedroom　and　planning

the　details　of　such　a　retirement　as　would　meet　his　unfortunate　case。　　For

at　once　he　perceived　that　to　retire　from　both　his　lives　without　making

the　whole　world　know　of　it　would　be　tantamount　to　not　retiring。　　〃Only　by

a　public　act；〃　he　thought；　〃of　so　striking　a　character　that　nobody　can

miss　it　can　I　bring　the　moral　home　to　all　public　and　private　men。〃　　And　a

hundred　schemes　swarmed　like　ants　in　his　brain。　　Nor　was　it　till　the　cock

crew　that　one　adequate　to　this　final　occasion　occurred　to　him。



〃It　will　want　very　careful　handling；〃　he　thought；　〃for　otherwise　I　shall

be　prevented；　and　perhaps　even　arrested　in　the　middle；　which　will　be　both

painful　and　ridiculous。　　So　sublime；　however；　was　his　idea　that　he　shed

many　tears　over　it；　and　often　paused　in　his　tramping　to　regard　the

unconscious　Blink　with　streaming　eyes。　　All　the　next　day　he　went　about

the　house　and　heath　taking　a　last　look　at　objects　which　had　been　dear；

and　at　mealtimes　ate　and　drank　even　less　than　usual；　absorbed　by　the

pathos　of　his　coming　renunciation。　　He　determined　to　make　his

preparations　for　the　final　act　during　the　night；　when　Mrs。　Petty　would　be

prevented　by　Joe's　snoring　from　hearing　the　necessary　sounds；　and　at

supper　he　undertook　the　delicate　and　harrowing　task　of　saying　good…bye

to；　his　devoted　housekeeper　without　letting　her　know　that　he；　was　doing

it。



〃MrsPetty；〃　he　said；　trifling　with　a　morsel　of　cheese；　〃it　is　useless

to　disguise；　from　you　that　I　may　be　going　a　journey；　and　I　feel　that　I

shall　not　be　able　to　part　from　all　the　care　you　have；　bestowed　on　me

without　recording　in　words　my　heartfelt　appreciation　of　your　devotion。　　I

shall　miss　it；　I　shall　miss　it　terribly；　if；　that　is；　I　am　permitted　to

miss　anything。



Mrs。　Petty；　whose　mind　instantly　ran　to　his　bed　socks；　answered：　〃Don't

you　worry；　sir；　I　won't　forget　them。　　But　wherever　are　you　going　now？〃



〃Ah！〃　said　Mr。　Lavender　subtly；　〃it　is　all　in　the　air　at　present；　but　now

that　the　lime…trees　are　beginning　to　smell　a　certain　restlessness　is　upon

me；　and　you　may　see　some　change　in　my　proceedings。　　Whatever　happens　to

me；　however；　I　commit　my　dear　Blink　to　your　care；　feed　her　as　if　she　were

myself；　and　love　her　as　if　she　were　Joe；　for　it　is　largely　on　food　and

affection　that　dogs　depend　for　happiness。



〃Why；　good　gracious；　sir；〃　said　Mrs。　Petty；　〃you　talk　as　if　you　were

going　for　a　month　of　Sundays。　　Are　you　thinking　of　Eastbourne？〃



Mr。　Lavender　sighed　deeply　at　that　word；　for　the　memory　of　a　town　where

he　had　spent　many　happy　days　added　to　the　gentle　melancholy　of　his

feelings　on　this　last　evening。



〃As　regards　that　I　shall　not　inform　you　at　present；　for；　indeed；　I　am　by

no　means　certain　what　my　destination　will　be。　　Largely　speaking；　no　pub

public　man；〃　he　stammered；　doubtful　whether　he　was　any　longer　that；

〃knows　where　he　will　be　going　to…morrow。　　Sufficient　unto　the　day　are　the

intentions　in　his　head。



〃Well；　sir；〃　said　Mrs。　Petty　frankly；　〃you　can't　go　anywhere　without　Joe

or　me；　that's　flat。〃



Mr。　Lavender　smiled。



〃Dear　Mrs。　Petty；〃　he　murmured；　〃there　are　sacrifices　one　cannot　demand

even　of　the　most　faithful　friends。　　But；〃　he　went　on　with　calculated

playfulness；　〃we　need　not　consider　that　point　until　the　day　after　to…

morrow　at　least；　for　I　have　much　to　do　in　the　meantime。〃



Reassured　by　those　words　and　the　knowledge　that　Mr。　Lavender's　plans

seldom　remained　the　same　for　more　than　two　days；　Mrs。　Petty　tossed　her

head　slightly　and　went　to　the　door。　　〃Well；　it　is　a　mystery；　I'm　sure；〃

she　said。



〃I　should　like　to　see　Joe；〃　said　Mr。　Lavender；　with　a　lingering　look　at

his　devoted　housekeeper。



〃The　beauty！〃　muttered　Mrs。　Petty；　〃I'll　send　him；〃　and　withdrew。



Giving　the　morsel　of　cheese　to　Blink；　who；　indeed；　had　eaten　practically

the　whole　of　this　last　meal；　Mr。　Lavender　took　the　moon…cat　on　his

shoulder；　and　abandoned　himself　for　a　moment　to　the　caresses　of　his　two

favourites。



〃Blink；〃　he　said　in　a　voice　which　trembled　slightly；　〃be　good　to　this

moon…cat　while　I　am　away；　and　if　I　am　longer　than　you　expect；　darling；　do

not　be　unhappy。　　Perhaps　some　day　you　will　rejoin　me；　and　even　if　we　are

not　destined　to　meet　again；　I　would　not；　in　the　fashion　of　cruel　men；

wish　to　hinder　your　second　marriage；　or　to　stand　in　the　way　of　your　happy

forgetfulness　of　me。　　Be　as　light…hearted　as　you　can；　my　dear；　and　wear

no　mourning　for　your　master。〃



So　saying；　he　flung　his　arms　round　her；　and　embraced　her　warmly；　inhaling