the queen of hearts-第80部分

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This　has　been　a　doleful　day　for　me。　I　have　been　uneasy　about
Robert　and　uneasy　about　Mary。　My　mind　is　haunted　by　those　last
words　of　hers：　〃I　began　my　life　wretchedly；　and　wretchedly　I　am
sentenced　to　end　it。〃　Her　usual　melancholy　way　of　talking　never
produced　the　same　impression　on　me　that　I　feel　now。　Perhaps　the
discovery　of　the　laudanum…bottle　is　the　cause　of　this。　I　would
give　many　a　hard　day's　work　to　know　what　to　do　for　Mary's　good。
My　heart　warmed　to　her　when　we　first　met　in　the　same
lodging…house　two　years　ago；　and；　although　I　am　not　one　of　the
over…affectionate　sort　myself；　I　feel　as　if　I　could　go　to　the
world's　end　to　serve　that　girl。　Yet；　strange　to　say；　if　I　was
asked　why　I　was　so　fond　of　her；　I　don't　think　I　should　know　how
to　answer　the　question。


March　7th。　I　am　almost　ashamed　to　write　it　down；　even　in　this
journal；　which　no　eyes　but　mine　ever　look　on；　yet　I　must　honestly
confess　to　myself　that　here　I　am；　at　nearly　one　in　the　morning；
sitting　up　in　a　state　of　serious　uneasiness　because　Mary　has　not
yet　come　home。

I　walked　with　her　this　morning　to　the　place　where　she　works；　and
tried　to　lead　her　into　talking　of　the　relations　she　has　got　who
are　still　alive。　My　motive　in　doing　this　was　to　see　if　she
dropped　anything　in　the　course　of　conversation　which　might
suggest　a　way　of　helping　her　interests　with　those　who　are　bound
to　give　her　all　reasonable　assistance。　But　the　little　I　could　get
her　to　say　to　me　led　to　nothing。　Instead　of　answering　my
questions　about　her　step…mother　and　her　brother；　she　persisted　at
first；　in　the　strangest　way；　in　talking　of　her　father；　who　was
dead　and　gone；　and　of　one　Noah　Truscott；　who　had　been　the　worst
of　all　the　bad　friends　he　had；　and　had　taught　him　to　drink　and
game。　When　I　did　get　her　to　speak　of　her　brother；　she　only　knew
that　he　had　gone　out　to　a　place　called　Assam；　where　they　grew
tea。　How　he　was　doing；　or　whether　he　was　there　still；　she　did　not
seem　to　know；　never　having　heard　a　word　from　him　for　years　and
years　past。

As　for　her　step…mother；　Mary　not　unnaturally　flew　into　a　passion
the　moment　I　spoke　of　her。　She　keeps　an　eating…house　at
Hammersmith；　and　could　have　given　Mary　good　employment　in　it；　but
she　seems　always　to　have　hated　her；　and　to　have　made　her　life　so
wretched　with　abuse　and　ill　usage　that　she　had　no　refuge　left　but
to　go　away　from　home；　and　do　her　best　to　make　a　living　for
herself。　Her　husband　（Mary's　father）　appears　to　have　behaved
badly　to　her；　and；　after　his　death；　she　took　the　wicked　course　of
revenging　herself　on　her　step…daughter。　I　felt；　after　this；　that
it　was　impossible　Mary　could　go　back；　and　that　it　was　the　hard
necessity　of　her　position；　as　it　is　of　mine；　that　she　should
struggle　on　to　make　a　decent　livelihood　without　assistance　from
any　of　her　relations。　I　confessed　as　much　as　this　to　her；　but　I
added　that　I　would　try　to　get　her　employment　with　the　persons　for
whom　I　work；　who　pay　higher　wages；　and　show　a　little　more
indulgence　to　those　under　them　than　the　people　to　whom　she　is　now
obliged　to　look　for　support。

I　spoke　much　more　confidently　than　I　felt　about　being　able　to　do
this；　and　left　her；　as　I　thought；　in　better　spirits　than　usual。
She　promised　to　be　back　to…night　to　tea　at　nine　o'clock；　and　now
it　is　nearly　one　in　the　morning；　and　she　is　not　home　yet。　If　it
was　any　other　girl　I　should　not　feel　uneasy；　for　I　should　make　up
my　mind　that　there　was　extra　work　to　be　done　in　a　hurry；　and　that
they　were　keeping　her　late；　and　I　should　go　to　bed。　But　Mary　is
so　unfortunate　in　everything　that　happens　to　her；　and　her　own
melancholy　talk　about　herself　keeps　hanging　on　my　mind　so；　that　I
have　fears　on　her　account　which　would　not　distress　me　about　any
one　else。　It　seems　inexcusably　silly　to　think　such　a　thing；　much
more　to　write　it　down；　but　I　have　a　kind　of　nervous　dread　upon　me
that　some　accident

What　does　that　loud　knocking　at　the　street　door　mean？　And　those
voices　and　heavy　footsteps　outside？　Some　lodger　who　has　lost　his
key；　I　suppose。　And　yet；　my　heart　What　a　coward　I　have　become
all　of　a　sudden！

More　knocking　and　louder　voices。　I　must　run　to　the　door　and　see
what　it　is。　Oh；　Mary！　Mary！　I　hope　I　am　not　going　to　have　another
fright　about　you；　but　I　feel　sadly　like　it。


March　8th。

March　9th。

March　10th。

March　11th。　Oh　me！　all　the　troubles　I　have　ever　had　in　my　life
are　as　nothing　to　the　trouble　I　am　in　now。　For　three　days　I　have
not　been　able　to　write　a　single　line　in　this　journal；　which　I
have　kept　so　regularly　ever　since　I　was　a　girl。　For　three　days　I
have　not　once　thought　of　RobertI；　who　am　always　thinking　of　him
at　other　times。

My　poor；　dear；　unhappy　Mary！　the　worst　I　feared　for　you　on　that
night　when　I　sat　up　alone　was　far　below　the　dreadful　calamity
that　has　really　happened。　How　can　I　write　about　it；　with　my　eyes
full　of　tears　and　my　hand　all　of　a　tremble？　I　don't　even　know　why
I　am　sitting　down　at　my　desk　now；　unless　it　is　habit　that　keeps
me　to　my　old　every…day　task；　in　spite　of　all　the　grief　and　fear
which　seem　to　unfit　me　entirely　for　performing　it。

The　people　of　the　house　were　asleep　and　lazy　on　that　dreadful
night；　and　I　was　the　first　to　open　the　door。　Never；　never　could　I
describe　in　writing；　or　even　say　in　plain　talk；　though　it　is　so
much　easier；　what　I　felt　when　I　saw　two　policemen　come　in；
carrying　between　them　what　seemed　to　me　to　be　a　dead　girl；　and
that　girl　Mary！　I　caught　hold　of　her；　and　gave　a　scream　that　must
have　alarmed　the　whole　house；　for　frightened　people　came　crowding
downstairs　in　their　night…dresses。　There　was　a　dreadful　confusion
and　noise　of　loud　talking；　but　I　heard　nothing　and　saw　nothing
till　I　had　got　her　into　my　room　and　laid　on　my　bed　。　I　stooped
down；　frantic…like；　to　kiss　her；　and　saw　an　awful　mark　of　a　blow
on　the　left　temple；　and　felt；　at　the　same　time；　a　feeble　flutter
of　her　breath　on　my　cheek。　The　discovery　that　she　was　not　dead
seemed　to　give　me　back　my　senses　again。　I　told　one　of　the
policemen　where　the　nearest　doctor　was　to　be　found；　and　sat　down
by　the　bedside　while　he　was　gone；　and　bathed　her　poor　head　with
cold　water。　She　never　opened　her　eyes；　or　moved；　or　spoke；　but
she　breathed；　and　that　was　enough　for　me；　because　it　was　enough
for　life。

The　policeman　left　in　the　room　was　a　big；　thick…voiced；　pompous
man；　with　a　horrible　unfeeling　pleasure　in　hearing　himself　talk
before　an　assembly　of　frightened；　silent　people。　He　told　us　how
he　had　found　her；　as　if　he　had　been　telling　a　story　in　a
tap…room；　and　began　with　saying：　〃I　don't　think　the　young　woman
was　drunk。〃

Drunk！　My　Mary；　who　might　have　been　a　born　lady　for　all　the
spirits　she　ever　toucheddrunk！　I　could　have　struck　the　man　for
uttering　the　word；　with　her　lyingpoor　suffering　angelso
white；　and　still；　and　helpless　before　him。　As　it　was；　I　gave　him
a　look；　but　he　was　too　stupid　to　understand　it；　and　went　droning
on；　saying　the　same　thing　over　and　over　again　in　the　same　words。
And　yet　the　story　of　how　they　found　her　was；　like　all　the　sad
stories　I　have　ever　heard　told　in　real　life；　so　very；　very　short。
They　had　just　seen　her　lying　along　on　the　curbstone　a　few　streets
off；　and　had　taken　her　to　the　station…house。　There　she　had　been
searched；　and　one　of　my　cards；　that　I　gave　to　ladies　who　promise
me　employment；　had　been　found　in　her　pocket；　and　so　they　had
brought　her　to　our　house。　This　was　all　the　man　really　had　to
tell。　There　was　nobody　near　her　when　she　was　found；　and　no
evidence　to　show　how　the　blow　on　her　temple　had　been　inflicted。

What　a　time　it　was　before　the　doctor　came；　and　how　dreadful　to
hear　him　say；　after　he　had　looked　at　her；　that　he　was　afraid　all
the　medical　men　in　the　world　could　be　of　no　use　here！　He　could
not　get　her　to　swallow　anything；　and　the　more　he　tried　to　bring
her　back　to　her　senses　the　less　chance　there　seemed　of　his
succeeding。　He　examined　the　blow　on　her　temple；　and　said　he
thought　she　must　have　fallen　down　in　a　fit　of　some　sort；　and
struck　her　head　against　the　pavement；　and　so　have　given　her　brain
what　he　was　afraid　was　a　fatal　shake。　I　asked　what　was　to　be　done
if　she　showed　any　return　to　sense　in　the　night。　He　said：　〃Send
for　me　directly〃；　and　stopped　for　a　little　while　afterward
stroking　her　head　gently　with　his　hand；　and　whispering　to
himself：　〃Poor　girl；　so　young　and　so　pretty！〃　I　had　felt；　some
minutes　before；　as　if　I　could　have　struck　the　policeman；　and　I
felt　now　as　if　I　could　have　thrown　my　arms　round　the　doctor's
neck　and　kissed　him。　I　did　put　out　my　hand　when　he　took　up　his
hat；　and　he　shook　it　in　the　friendliest　way。　〃Don't　hope；　my
dear；〃　he　said；　and　went　out。

The　rest　of　the　lodgers　followed　him；　all　silent　and　shocked；
except　the　inhuman　wretch　who　owns　the　house　and　lives　in
idleness　on　the　high　rents　he　wrings　from　poor　people　like　us。

〃She's　three　weeks　in　my　debt；〃　says　he；　with　a　frown　and　an
oath。　〃Where　the　devil　is　my　money　to　come　from　now？〃　Brute！
brute！

I　had　a　long　cry　alone　with　her　that　seemed　to　ease　my　heart　a
little。　She　was　not　the　least　changed　for　the　better　when　I　had
wiped　away　the　tears　and　could　see　her　clearly　again。　I　took　up
her　right　hand；　which　lay　nearest　to　me。　It　was　tight　clinched。　I
tried　to　unclasp