we two-第27部分

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inly　hear　her　quick　footsteps；　the　opening　of　a　door；　some　sign　of　welcome；　but　all　was　as　silent　as　death。　　Half　angry　with　himself　for　having　grown　so　expectant　of　that　loving　watch　as　to　be　seriously　apprehensive　at　its　absence；　he　hastily　put　down　his　bag　and　walked　into　the　sitting　room；　his　calm　exterior　belying　a　nameless　fear　at　his　heart。

What　the　French　call　expressively　a　〃serrement　de　coeur〃　seized　him　when　he　saw　that　Erica　was　indeed　at　home；　but　that　she　was　lying　on　the　couch。　　She　did　not　even　spring　up　to　greet　him。

〃Is　anything　the　matter；　dear？　　Are　you　ill？〃　he　asked；　hurriedly　crossing　the　little　room。

〃Oh；　have　you　not　seen　Aunt　Jean？　　She　was　going　to　meet　you　at　St。　Pancras；〃　said　Erica；　her　heart　failing　her　a　little　at　the　prospect　of　telling　her　own　bad　news。　　But　the　exceeding　anxiety　of　her　father's　face　helped　her　to　rise　to　the　occasion。　　She　laughed；　and　the　laugh　was　natural　enough　to　reassure　him。

〃It　is　nothing　so　very　dreadful；　and　all　this　time　you　have　never　even　given　me　a　kiss；　father。〃　　She　drew　down　the　grand…looking　white　head；　and　pressed　her　fair　face　to　his。　　He　sat　down　beside　her。

〃Tell　me；　dear；　what　is　wrong　with　you？〃　he　repeated。

〃Well；　I　felt　rather　out　of　order；　and　they　said　I　ought　to　see　some　one；　and　it　seems　that　my　tiresome　spine　is　getting　crooked；　and　the　long　and　the　short　of　it　is　that　Mr。　Doctor　Osmond　says　I　shall　get　quite　well　again　if　I'm　careful；　but〃　she　added；　lightly；　yet　with　the　gentleness　of　one　who　thinks　merely　of　the　hearer's　point　of　view　〃I　shall　have　to　be　a　passive　verb　for　a　year；　and　you　will　have　to　be　my　very　strong　man　Kwasind。'〃

〃A　year？〃　he　exclaimed　in　dismay。

〃Brian　half　gave　me　hope　that　it　might　not　be　so　long；〃　said　Erica；　〃if　I'm；　very　good　and　careful；　and　of　course　I　shall　be　both。　　I　am　only　sorry　because　it　will　make　me　very　useless。　　I　did　hope　I　should　never　have　been　a　burden　on　you　again；　father。〃

〃Don't　talk　of　such　a　thing；　my　little　son　Eric；〃　he　said；　very　tenderly。　　〃Who　should　take　care　of　you　if　not　your　own　father？　　Besides；　if　you　never　wrote　another　line　for　me；　you　would　help　me　by　just　being　yourself。　　A　burden！〃

〃Well；　I've　made　you　look　as　grave　as　half　a　dozen　lawsuits；〃　said　Erica；　pretending　to　stroke　the　lines　of　care　from　his　forehead。　　〃I've　had　the　morning　to　ruminate　over　the　prospect；　and　really　now　that　you　know；　it　is　not　so　very　dreadful。　　A　year　will　soon　pass。〃

〃I　look　to　you；　Eric；〃　said　her　father；　〃to　show　the　world　that　we　secularists　know　how　to　bear　pain。　　You　won't　waste　the　year　if　you　can　do　it。〃

Her　face　lighted　up。

〃It　was　like　you　to　think　of　that！〃　she　said；　〃that　would　indeed　be　worth　doing。〃

Still；　do　what　she　would；　Erica　could　not　talk　him　back　to　cheerfulness。　　He　was　terribly　distressed　at　her　news；　and　more　so　when　he　found　that　she　was　suffering　a　good　deal。　　He　thought　with　a　pang　of　the　difference　of　the　reality　to　his　expectations。　　No　walk　for　them　in　the　park　that　evening；　nor　probably　for　many　years　to　come。　　Yet　he　was　ignorant　of　these　matters；　perhaps　he　exaggerated　the　danger　or　the　duration；　he　would　go　across　and　see　Brian　Osmond　at　once。

Left　once　more　to　herself；　the　color　died　out　of　Erica's　cheeks；　she　lay　there　pale　and　still；　but　her　face　was　almost　rigid　with　resoluteness。

〃I　am　not　going　to　give　way！〃　she　thought　to　herself。　　〃I　won't　shed　a　single　tear。　　Tears　are　wasteful　luxuries；　bad　for　body　and　mind。　　And　yet　yet　oh；　it　is　hard　just　when　I　wanted　to　help　father　most！　　Just　when　I　wanted　to　keep　him　from　being　worried。　　And　a　whole　year！　　How　shall　I　bear　it；　when　even　six　hours　has　seemed　half　a　life　time！　　This　is　what　Thekla　would　call　a　cross；　but　I　only　call　it　my　horrid；　stupid；　idiotic　old　spine。　　Well；　I　must　try　to　show　them　that　Luke　Raeburn's　daughter　knows　how　to　bear　pain；　I　must　be　patient；　however　much　I　boil　over　in　private。　　Yet　is　it　honest；　I　wonder；　to　keep　a　patient　outside；　while　inside　you　are　all　one　big　grumble？　　Rather　Pharisaical　outside　of　the　cup　and　platter；　but　it　is　all　I　shall　be　able　to　do；　I'm　sure。　　That　is　where　Mr。　Osmond's　Christianity　would　come　in；　I　do　believe　that　goes　right　through　his　life；　privatest　thoughts　and　all。　　Odd；　that　a　delusion　should　have　such　power；　and　over　such　a　man！　　There　is　Sir　Michael　Cunningham；　too；　one　of　the　greatest　and　best　men　in　England；　yet　a　Christian！　　Great　intellects　and　much　study；　and　still　they　remain　Christians　'tis　extraordinary。　　But　a　Christian　would　have　the　advantage　over　me　in　a　case　like　this。　　First　of　all；　I　suppose；　they　would　feel　that　they　could　serve　their　God　as　well　on　their　backs　as　upright；while　all　the　help　I　shall　be　able　to　give　the　cause　is　dreadfully　indirect　and　problematical。　　Then　ertainly　they　would　feel　that　they　might　be　getting　ready　for　the　next　world　where　all　wrong　is；　they　believe；　to　be　set　right；　while　I　am　only　terribly　hindered　in　getting　ready　for　this　world　a　whole　year　without　the　chance　of　a　lecture。　　And　then　they　have　all　kinds　of　nice　theories　about　pain；　discipline；　and　that　sort　of　thing；　which　no　doubt　make　it　more　bearable；　while　to　me　it　is　just　the　one　unmitigated　evil。　　But；　oh！　　They　don't　know　what　pain　means！　　For　there　is　no　death　to　them　no　endless　separation。　　What　a　delusion　it　is！　　They　ought　to　be　happy　enough。　　Oh；　mother！　　mother！〃

After　all；　what　she　really　dreaded　in　her　enforced　pause　was　the　leisure　for　thought。　　She　had　plunged　into　work　of　all　kinds；　had　half　killed　herself　with　work；　had　tried　to　hold　her　despair　at　arms'　length。　　But　now　there　was　no　help　for　it。　　She　must　rest；　and　the　thoughts　must　come。


CHAPTER　XIII。　Losing　One　Friend　to　Gain　Another　　

For　toleration　had　its　griefs；　And　charity　its　trial。　　Whittier

〃Well；　Osmond；　you　got　into　hot　water　a　few　years　ago　for　defending　Raeburn　in　public；　and　by　this　time　you　will　find　it　not　merely　hot；　but　up　to　boiling　point。　　The　fellow　is　more　notorious　than　ever。〃

The　speaker　was　one　of　Charles　Osmond's　college　friends；　a　certain　Mr。　Roberts；　who　had　been　abroad　for　a　good　many　years；　but；　having　returned　on　account　of　his　health；　had　for　a　few　months　been　acting　as　curate　to　his　friend。

〃A　man　who　works　as　indefatigably　as　Mr。　Raeburn　has　done　can　hardly　avoid　being　noticed；〃　replied　Charles　Osmond。

〃You　speak　as　if　you　admired　the　fellow！〃

〃There　is　a　good　deal　to　admire　in　Mr。　Raeburn。　　However　greatly　mistaken　he　is；　there　is　no　doubt　that　he　is　a　brave　man；　and　an　honest　man。〃

〃You　can　speak　in　such　a　way　of　a　man　who　makes　his　living　by　speaking　and　writing　against　God。〃

〃I　hope　I　can　speak　the　truth　of　every　man；　whether　his　creed　agrees　with　mine　or　not。〃

〃A　man　who　grows　rich　on　blasphemy！　　Who　sows　poison　among　the　people　and　reaps　the　harvest！〃　exclaimed　Mr。　Roberts。

〃That　he　teaches　fearful　error；　I　quite　allow；〃　said　Charles　Osmond；　〃but　it　is　the　grossest　injustice　to　say　that　he　does　it　for　gain。　　His　atheism　brought　him　to　the　very　brink　of　starvation　some　years　ago。　　Even　now　he　is　so　crippled　by　the　endless　litigation　he　has　had　that　he　lives　in　absolute　penury。〃

〃But　that　letter　you　sent　to　the　'Church　Chronicle'　was　so　uncalled　for；　you　put　the　comparison　so　broadly〃

〃I　put　it　in　plain　〃English；〃　said　Charles　Osmond；　〃I　merely　said；　as　I　think；　that　he　puts　many　of　us　to　shame　by　his　great　devotion。　　The　letter　was　a　reply　to　a　very　unfair　article　about　the　Rilchester　riot；　it　was　absolutely　necessary　that　some　one　should　speak。　　I　tell　you；　Roberts；　if　you　knew　the　man；　you　could　not　speak　so　bitterly　of　him。　　It　is　not　true　that　he　leads　a　selfish；　easy…going　life；　he　has　spent　thousands　and　thousands　of　pounds　in　the　defense　of　his　cause。　　I　don't　believe　there　is　a　man　in　England　who　has　led　a　more　self…denying　life。　　It　may　be　very　uncomfortable　news　for　us；　but　we've　no　right　to　shut　our　ears　to　it。　　I　wish　that　man　could　stir　up　an　honest　sense　of　shame　in　every　sleepy　Christian　in　the　country。　　I　believe　that；　indeed；　to　be　his　rightful　mission。　　Raeburn　is　a　grand　text　for　a　sermon　which　the　nation　sorely　needs。　　'Here　is　a　man　who　spends　his　whole　strength　in　propagating　his　so…called　gospel　of　atheism。　　Do　you　spend　your　whole　strength　in　spreading　the　gospel　of　Christ？　　Here　is　a　man；　willing　to　leave　his　home；　willing　to　live　without　one　single　luxury；　denying　himself　all　that　is　not　necessary　to　actual　health。　　Have　you　ever　denied　yourself　anything？　　Here　is　a　man　who　spends　his　whole　living　all　that　he　has　on　what　he　believes　to　be　the　truth。　　What　meager　tithe　do　you　bestow　upon　the　religion　of　which　you　speak　so　much？　　Here　is　a　man　who　dares　to　stand　up　alone　in　defense　of　what　he　holds　true；　a　man　who　never　flinches。　　How　far　are　you　brave　in　the　defense　of　your　faith？　　Do　you　never　keep　a　prudent　silence？　　Do　you　never　howl　with　the　wolves？'〃

〃Thank　Heaven　you　are　not　in　the　pulpit！〃　ejaculated　Mr。　Roberts。

〃I　wish　those　words　could　be　sent　through　the　length　and　breadth　of　the　land；〃　said　Charles　Osmond。

〃No　doubt　Mr。　Raeburn　would　thank　you；〃　said　his　friend；　with　a　sharp…edged　smile。　　〃It　would　be　a　nice　little　advertisement　for　him。　　Why；　from　a　Church　of　England　parson　it　would　make　his　fortune！　　My　dear　Osmond；　yo