idle thoughts of an idle fellow-第12部分

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thes；　and　it　puts　the　fire　out。

At　dinner…time　he　creeps　in　under　the　table；　lies　there　for　awhile；　and　then　gets　up　suddenly；　the　first　intimation　we　have　of　his　movements　being　given　by　the　table；　which　appears　animated　by　a　desire　to　turn　somersaults。　　We　all　clutch　at　it　frantically　and　endeavor　to　maintain　it　in　a　horizontal　position；　whereupon　his　struggles；　he　being　under　the　impression　that　some　wicked　conspiracy　is　being　hatched　against　him；　become　fearful；　and　the　final　picture　presented　is　generally　that　of　an　overturned　table　and　a　smashed…up　dinner　sandwiched　between　two　sprawling　layers　of　infuriated　men　and　women。

He　came　in　this　morning　in　his　usual　style；　which　he　appears　to　have　founded　on　that　of　an　American　cyclone；　and　the　first　thing　he　did　was　to　sweep　my　coffee…cup　off　the　table　with　his　tail；　sending　the　contents　full　into　the　middle　of　my　waistcoat。

I　rose　from　my　chair　hurriedly　and　remarking　〃；〃　approached　him　at　a　rapid　rate。　　He　preceded　me　in　the　direction　of　the　door。　　At　the　door　he　met　Eliza　coming　in　with　eggs。　　Eliza　observed　〃Ugh！〃　and　sat　down　on　the　floor；　the　eggs　took　up　different　positions　about　the　carpet；　where　　they　spread　themselves　out；　and　Gustavus　Adolphus　left　the　room。　　I　called　after　him；　strongly　advising　him　to　go　straight　downstairs　and　not　let　me　see　him　again　for　the　next　hour　or　so；　and　he　seeming　to　agree　with　me；　dodged　the　coal…scoop　and　went；　while　I　returned；　dried　myself　and　finished　breakfast。　　I　made　sure　that　he　had　gone　in　to　the　yard；　but　when　I　looked　into　the　passage　ten　minutes　later　he　was　sitting　at　the　top　of　the　stairs。　　I　ordered　him　down　at　once；　but　he　only　barked　and　jumped　about；　so　I　went　to　see　what　was　the　matter。

It　was　Tittums。　　She　was　sitting　on　the　top　stair　but　one　and　wouldn't　let　him　pass。

Tittums　is　our　kitten。　　She　is　about　the　size　of　a　penny　roll。　　Her　back　was　up　and　she　was　swearing　like　a　medical　student。

She　does　swear　fearfully。　　I　do　a　little　that　way　myself　sometimes；　but　I　am　a　mere　amateur　compared　with　her。　　To　tell　you　the　truthmind；　this　is　strictly　between　ourselves；　please；　I　shouldn't　like　your　wife　to　know　I　said　itthe　women　folk　don't　understand　these　things；　but　between　you　and　me；　you　know；　I　think　it　does　at　man　good　to　swear。　　Swearing　is　the　safety…valve　through　which　the　bad　temper　that　might　otherwise　do　serious　internal　injury　to　his　mental　mechanism　escapes　in　harmless　vaporing。　　When　a　man　has　said：　〃Bless　you；　my　dear；　sweet　sir。　　What　the　sun；　moon；　and　stars　made　you　so　careless　（if　I　may　be　permitted　the　expression）　as　to　allow　your　light　and　delicate　foot　to　descend　upon　my　corn　with　so　much　force？　　Is　it　that　you　are　physically　incapable　of　comprehending　the　direction　in　which　you　are　proceeding？　you　nice；　clever　young　manyou！〃　or　words　to　that　effect；　he　feels　better。　　Swearing　has　the　same　soothing　effect　upon　our　angry　passions　that　smashing　the　furniture　or　slamming　the　doors　is　so　well　known　to　exercise；　added　to　which　it　is　much　cheaper。　　Swearing　clears　a　man　out　like　a　pen'orth　of　gunpowder　does　the　wash…house　chimney。　　An　occasional　explosion　is　good　for　both。　　I　rather　distrust　a　man　who　never　swears；　or　savagely　kicks　the　foot…stool；　or　pokes　the　fire　with　unnecessary　violence。　　Without　some　outlet；　the　anger　caused　by　the　ever…occurring　troubles　of　life　is　apt　to　rankle　and　fester　within。　　The　petty　annoyance；　instead　of　being　thrown　from　us；　sits　down　beside　us　and　becomes　a　sorrow；　and　the　little　offense　is　brooded　over　till；　in　the　hot…bed　of　rumination；　it　grows　into　a　great　injury；　under　whose　poisonous　shadow　springs　up　hatred　and　revenge。

Swearing　relieves　the　feelingsthat　is　what　swearing　does。　　I　explained　this　to　my　aunt　on　one　occasion；　but　it　didn't　answer　with　her。　　She　said　I　had　no　business　to　have　such　feelings。

That　is　what　I　told　Tittums。　　I　told　her　she　ought　to　be　ashamed　of　herself；　brought　up　in　at　Christian　family　as　she　was；　too。　　I　don't　so　much　mind　hearing　an　old　cat　swear；　but　I　can't　bear　to　see　a　mere　kitten　give　way　to　it。　　It　seems　sad　in　one　so　young。

I　put　Tittums　in　my　pocket　and　returned　to　my　desk。　　I　forgot　her　for　the　moment；　and　when　I　looked　I　found　that　she　had　squirmed　out　of　my　pocket　on　to　the　table　and　was　trying　to　swallow　the　pen；　then　she　put　her　leg　into　the　ink…pot　and　upset　it；　then　she　licked　her　leg；　then　she　swore　againat　me　this　time。

I　put　her　down　on　the　floor；　and　there　Tim　began　rowing　with　her。　　I　do　wish　Tim　would　mind　his　own　business。　　It　was　no　concern　of　his　what　she　had　been　doing。　　Besides；　he　is　not　a　saint　himself。　　He　is　only　a　two…year…old　fox…terrier；　and　he　interferes　with　everything　and　gives　himself　the　airs　of　a　gray…headed　Scotch　collie。

Tittums'　mother　has　come　in　and　Tim　has　got　his　nose　scratched；　for　which　I　am　remarkably　glad。　　I　have　put　them　all　three　out　in　the　passage；　where　they　are　fighting　at　the　present　moment。　　I'm　in　a　mess　with　the　ink　and　in　a　thundering　bad　temper；　and　if　anything　more　in　the　cat　or　dog　line　comes　fooling　about　me　this　morning；　it　had　better　bring　its　own　funeral　contractor　with　it。

Yet；　in　general；　I　like　cats　and　dogs　very　much　indeed。　　What　jolly　chaps　they　are！　　They　are　much　superior　to　human　beings　as　companions。　They　do　not　quarrel　or　argue　with　you。　　They　never　talk　about　themselves　but　listen　to　you　while　you　talk　about　yourself；　and　keep　up　an　appearance　of　being　interested　in　the　conversation。　　They　never　make　stupid　remarks。　　They　never　observe　to　Miss　Brown　across　a　dinner…table　that　they　always　understood　she　was　very　sweet　on　Mr。　Jones　（who　has　just　married　Miss　Robinson）。　　They　never　mistake　your　wife's　cousin　for　her　husband　and　fancy　that　you　are　the　father…in…law。　　And　they　never　ask　a　young　author　with　fourteen　tragedies；　sixteen　comedies；　seven　farces；　and　a　couple　of　burlesques　in　his　desk　why　he　doesn't　write　a　play。

They　never　say　unkind　things。　　They　never　tell　us　of　our　faults；　〃merely　for　our　own　good。〃　　They　do　not　at　inconvenient　moments　mildly　remind　us　of　our　past　follies　and　mistakes。　　They　do　not　say；　〃Oh；　yes；　a　lot　of　use　you　are　if　you　are　ever　really　wanted〃sarcastic　like。　　They　never　inform　us；　like　our　_inamoratas_　sometimes　do；　that　we　are　not　nearly　so　nice　as　we　used　to　be。　　We　are　always　the　same　to　them。

They　are　always　glad　to　see　us。　　They　are　with　us　in　all　our　humors。　They　are　merry　when　we　are　glad；　sober　when　we　feel　solemn；　and　sad　when　we　are　sorrowful。

〃Halloo！　happy　and　want　a　lark？　　Right　you　are；　I'm　your　man。　　Here　I　am；　frisking　round　you；　leaping；　barking；　pirouetting；　ready　for　any　amount　of　fun　and　mischief。　　Look　at　my　eyes　if　you　doubt　me。　　What　shall　it　be？　　A　romp　in　the　drawing…room　and　never　mind　the　furniture；　or　a　scamper　in　the　fresh；　cool　air；　a　scud　across　the　fields　and　down　the　hill；　and　won't　we　let　old　Gaffer　Goggles'　geese　know　what　time　o'　day　it　is；　neither！　　Whoop！　come　along。〃

Or　you'd　like　to　be　quiet　and　think。　　Very　well。　　Pussy　can　sit　on　the　arm　of　the　chair　and　purr；　and　Montmorency　will　curl　himself　up　on　the　rug　and　blink　at　the　fire；　yet　keeping　one　eye　on　you　the　while；　in　case　you　are　seized　with　any　sudden　desire　in　the　direction　of　rats。

And　when　we　bury　our　face　in　our　hands　and　wish　we　had　never　been　born；　they　don't　sit　up　very　straight　and　observe　that　we　have　brought　it　all　upon　ourselves。　　They　don't　even　hope　it　will　be　a　warning　to　us。　　But　they　come　up　softly　and　shove　their　heads　against　us。　　If　it　is　a　cat　she　stands　on　your　shoulder；　rumples　your　hair；　and　says；　〃Lor；'　I　am　sorry　for　you；　old　man；〃　as　plain　as　words　can　speak；　and　if　it　is　a　dog　he　looks　up　at　you　with　his　big；　true　eyes　and　says　with　them；　〃Well　you've　always　got　me；　you　know。　　We'll　go　through　the　world　together　and　always　stand　by　each　other；　won't　we？〃

He　is　very　imprudent；　a　dog　is。　　He　never　makes　it　his　business　to　inquire　whether　you　are　in　the　right　or　in　the　wrong；　never　bothers　as　to　whether　you　are　going　up　or　down　upon　life's　ladder；　never　asks　whether　you　are　rich　or　poor；　silly　or　wise；　sinner　or　saint。　　You　are　his　pal。　　That　is　enough　for　him；　and　come　luck　or　misfortune；　good　repute　or　bad；　honor　or　shame；　he　is　going　to　stick　to　you；　to　comfort　you；　guard　you；　and　give　his　life　for　you　if　need　befoolish；　brainless；　soulless　dog！

Ah！　old　stanch　friend；　with　your　deep；　clear　eyes　and　bright；　quick　glances；　that　take　in　all　one　has　to　say　before　one　has　time　to　speak　it；　do　you　know　you　are　only　an　animal　and　have　no　mind？　　Do　you　know　that　that　dull…eyed；　gin…sodden　lout　leaning　against　the　post　out　there　is　immeasurably　your　intellectual　superior？　　Do　you　know　that　every　little…minded；　selfish　scoundrel　who　lives　by　cheating　and　tricking；　who　never　did　a　gentle　deed　or　said　a　kind　word；　who　never　had　a　thought　that　was　not　mean　and　low　or　a　desire　that　was　not　base；　whose　every　action　is　a　fraud；　whose　every　utterance　is　a　liedo　you　know　that　these　crawling　skulks　（and　there　are　millions　of　them　in　the　world）；　do　you　know　they　are　all　as　much　superior　to　you　as　the　sun　is　superior　to　rushlight　you　honorable；　brave…hearted；　unselfish　brute？　They　are　MEN；　you　know；　and　MEN　are　the　greatest；　and　noblest；　and　wisest；　and　best　beings　in　the　whole　vas