idle thoughts of an idle fellow-第6部分

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　same　time　I　resolved　to　one　day　decoy　him　to　an　eating…house　I　remembered　near　Covent　Garden；　where　the　waiter；　for　the　better　discharge　of　his　duties；　goes　about　in　his　shirt…sleevesand　very　dirty　sleeves　they　are；　too；　when　it　gets　near　the　end　of　the　month。　　I　know　that　waiter。　If　my　friend　gives　him　anything　beyond　a　penny；　the　man　will　insist　on　shaking　hands　with　him　then　and　there　as　a　mark　of　his　esteem；　of　that　I　feel　sure。

There　have　been　a　good　many　funny　things　said　and　written　about　hardupishness；　but　the　reality　is　not　funny；　for　all　that。　　It　is　not　funny　to　have　to　haggle　over　pennies。　　It　isn't　funny　to　be　thought　mean　and　stingy。　　It　isn't　funny　to　be　shabby　and　to　be　ashamed　of　your　address。　　No；　there　is　nothing　at　all　funny　in　povertyto　the　poor。　　It　is　hell　upon　earth　to　a　sensitive　man；　and　many　a　brave　gentleman　who　would　have　faced　the　labors　of　Hercules　has　had　his　heart　broken　by　its　petty　miseries。

It　is　not　the　actual　discomforts　themselves　that　are　hard　to　bear。　Who　would　mind　roughing　it　a　bit　if　that　were　all　it　meant？　　What　cared　Robinson　Crusoe　for　a　patch　on　his　trousers？　　Did　he　wear　trousers？　　I　forget；　or　did　he　go　about　as　he　does　in　the　pantomimes？　What　did　it　matter　to　him　if　his　toes　did　stick　out　of　his　boots？　and　what　if　his　umbrella　was　a　cotton　one；　so　long　as　it　kept　the　rain　off？　　His　shabbiness　did　not　trouble　him；　there　was　none　of　his　friends　round　about　to　sneer　him。

Being　poor　is　a　mere　trifle。　　It　is　being　known　to　be　poor　that　is　the　sting。　　It　is　not　cold　that　makes　a　man　without　a　great…coat　hurry　along　so　quickly。　　It　is　not　all　shame　at　telling　lieswhich　he　knows　will　not　be　believedthat　makes　him　turn　so　red　when　he　informs　you　that　he　considers　great…coats　unhealthy　and　never　carries　an　umbrella　on　principle。　　It　is　easy　enough　to　say　that　poverty　is　no　crime。　　No；　if　it　were　men　wouldn't　be　ashamed　of　it。　　It's　a　blunder；　though；　and　is　punished　as　such。　　A　poor　man　is　despised　the　whole　world　over；　despised　as　much　by　a　Christian　as　by　a　lord；　as　much　by　a　demagogue　as　by　a　footman；　and　not　all　the　copy…book　maxims　ever　set　for　ink　stained　youth　will　make　him　respected。　　Appearances　are　everything；　so　far　as　human　opinion　goes；　and　the　man　who　will　walk　down　Piccadilly　arm　in　arm　with　the　most　notorious　scamp　in　London；　provided　he　is　a　well…dressed　one；　will　slink　up　a　back　street　to　say　a　couple　of　words　to　a　seedy…looking　gentleman。　　And　the　seedy…looking　gentleman　knows　thisno　one　betterand　will　go　a　mile　round　to　avoid　meeting　an　acquaintance。　　Those　that　knew　him　in　his　prosperity　need　never　trouble　themselves　to　look　the　other　way。　　He　is　a　thousand　times　more　anxious　that　they　should　not　see　him　than　they　can　be；　and　as　to　their　assistance；　there　is　nothing　he　dreads　more　than　the　offer　of　it。　　All　he　wants　is　to　be　forgotten；　and　in　this　respect　he　is　generally　fortunate　enough　to　get　what　he　wants。

One　becomes　used　to　being　hard　up；　as　one　becomes　used　to　everything　else；　by　the　help　of　that　wonderful　old　homeopathic　doctor；　Time。　　You　can　tell　at　a　glance　the　difference　between　the　old　hand　and　the　novice；　between　the　case…hardened　man　who　has　been　used　to　shift　and　struggle　for　years　and　the　poor　devil　of　a　beginner　striving　to　hide　his　misery；　and　in　a　constant　agony　of　fear　lest　he　should　be　found　out。　　Nothing　shows　this　difference　more　clearly　than　the　way　in　which　each　will　pawn　his　watch。　　As　the　poet　says　somewhere：　　〃True　ease　in　pawning　comes　from　art；　not　chance。〃　　The　one　goes　into　his　〃uncle's〃　with　as　much　composure　as　he　would　into　his　tailor'svery　likely　with　more。　　The　assistant　is　even　civil　and　attends　to　him　at　once；　to　the　great　indignation　of　the　lady　in　the　next　box；　who；　however；　sarcastically　observes　that　she　don't　mind　being　kept　waiting　〃if　it　is　a　regular　customer。〃　　Why；　from　the　pleasant　and　businesslike　manner　in　which　the　transaction　is　carried　out；　it　might　be　a　large　purchase　in　the　three　per　cents。　　Yet　what　a　piece　of　work　a　man　makes　of　his　first　〃pop。〃　　A　boy　popping　his　first　question　is　confidence　itself　compared　with　him。　　He　hangs　about　outside　the　shop　until　he　has　succeeded　in　attracting　the　attention　of　all　the　loafers　in　the　neighborhood　and　has　aroused　strong　suspicions　in　the　mind　of　the　policeman　on　the　beat。　　At　last；　after　a　careful　examination　of　the　contents　of　the　windows；　made　for　the　purpose　of　impressing　the　bystanders　with　the　notion　that　he　is　going　in　to　purchase　a　diamond　bracelet　or　some　such　trifle；　he　enters；　trying　to　do　so　with　a　careless　swagger；　and　giving　himself　really　the　air　of　a　member　of　the　swell　mob。　　When　inside　he　speaks　in　so　low　a　voice　as　to　be　perfectly　inaudible；　and　has　to　say　it　all　over　again。　　When；　in　the　course　of　his　rambling　conversation　about　a　〃friend〃　of　his；　the　word　〃lend〃　is　reached；　he　is　promptly　told　to　go　up　the　court　on　the　right　and　take　the　first　door　round　the　corner。　　He　comes　out　of　the　shop　with　a　face　that　you　could　easily　light　a　cigarette　at；　and　firmly　under　the　impression　that　the　whole　population　of　the　district　is　watching　him。　When　he　does　get　to　the　right　place　he　has　forgotten　his　name　and　address　and　is　in　a　general　condition　of　hopeless　imbecility。　　Asked　in　a　severe　tone　how　he　came　by　〃this；〃　he　stammers　and　contradicts　himself；　and　it　is　only　a　miracle　if　he　does　not　confess　to　having　stolen　it　that　very　day。　　He　is　thereupon　informed　that　they　don't　want　anything　to　do　with　his　sort；　and　that　he　had　better　get　out　of　this　as　quickly　as　possible；　which　he　does；　recollecting　nothing　more　until　he　finds　himself　three　miles　off；　without　the　slightest　knowledge　how　he　got　there。

By　the　way；　how　awkward　it　is；　though；　having　to　depend　on　public…houses　and　churches　for　the　time。　　The　former　are　generally　too　fast　and　the　latter　too　slow。　　Besides　which；　your　efforts　to　get　a　glimpse　of　the　public　house　clock　from　the　outside　are　attended　with　great　difficulties。　　If　you　gently　push　the　swing…door　ajar　and　peer　in　you　draw　upon　yourself　the　contemptuous　looks　of　the　barmaid；　who　at　once　puts　you　down　in　the　same　category　with　area　sneaks　and　cadgers。　　You　also　create　a　certain　amount　of　agitation　among　the　married　portion　of　the　customers。　　You　don't　see　the　clock　because　it　is　behind　the　door；　and　in　trying　to　withdraw　quietly　you　jam　your　head。　　The　only　other　method　is　to　jump　up　and　down　outside　the　window。　　After　this　latter　proceeding；　however；　if　you　do　not　bring　out　a　banjo　and　commence　to　sing；　the　youthful　inhabitants　of　the　neighborhood；　who　have　gathered　round　in　expectation；　become　disappointed。

I　should　like　to　know；　too；　by　what　mysterious　law　of　nature　it　is　that　before　you　have　left　your　watch　〃to　be　repaired〃　half　an　hour；　some　one　is　sure　to　stop　you　in　the　street　and　conspicuously　ask　you　the　time。　　Nobody　even　feels　the　slightest　curiosity　on　the　subject　when　you've　got　it　on。

Dear　old　ladies　and　gentlemen　who　know　nothing　about　being　hard　upand　may　they　never；　bless　their　gray　old　headslook　upon　the　pawn…shop　as　the　last　stage　of　degradation；　but　those　who　know　it　better　（and　my　readers　have　no　doubt；　noticed　this　themselves）　are　often　surprised；　like　the　little　boy　who　dreamed　he　went　to　heaven；　at　meeting　so　many　people　there　that　they　never　expected　to　see。　　For　my　part；　I　think　it　a　much　more　independent　course　than　borrowing　from　friends；　and　I　always　try　to　impress　this　upon　those　of　my　acquaintance　who　incline　toward　〃wanting　a　couple　of　pounds　till　the　day　after　to…morrow。〃　　But　they　won't　all　see　it。　　One　of　them　once　remarked　that　he　objected　to　the　principle　of　the　thing。　　I　fancy　if　he　had　said　it　was　the　interest　that　he　objected　to　he　would　have　been　nearer　the　truth：　twenty…five　per　cent。　certainly　does　come　heavy。

There　are　degrees　in　being　hard　up。　　We　are　all　hard　up；　more　or　lessmost　of　us　more。　　Some　are　hard　up　for　a　thousand　pounds；　some　for　a　shilling。　　Just　at　this　moment　I　am　hard　up　myself　for　a　fiver。　I　only　want　it　for　a　day　or　two。　　I　should　be　certain　of　paying　it　back　within　a　week　at　the　outside；　and　if　any　lady　or　gentleman　among　my　readers　would　kindly　lend　it　me；　I　should　be　very　much　obliged　indeed。　　They　could　send　it　to　me　under　cover　to　Messrs。　Field　&　Tuer；　only；　in　such　case；　please　let　the　envelope　be　carefully　sealed。　　I　would　give　you　my　I。O。U。　as　security。



ON　VANITY　AND　VANITIES。

All　is　vanity　and　everybody's　vain。　　Women　are　terribly　vain。　　So　are　menmore　so；　if　possible。　　So　are　children；　particularly　children。　One　of　them　at　this　very　moment　is　hammering　upon　my　legs。　　She　wants　to　know　what　I　think　of　her　new　shoes。　　Candidly　I　don't　think　much　of　them。　　They　lack　symmetry　and　curve　and　possess　an　indescribable　appearance　of　lumpiness　（I　believe；　too；　they've　put　them　on　the　wrong　feet）。　　But　I　don't　say　this。　　It　is　not　criticism；　but　flattery　that　she　wants；　and　I　gush　over　them　with　what　I　feel　to　myself　to　be　degrading　effusiveness。　　Nothing　else　would　satisfy　this　self…opinionated　cherub。　　I　tried　the　conscientious…friend　dodge　with　her　on　one　occasion；　but　it　was　not　a　success。　　She　had　requested　my　judgment　upon　her　general　conduct　and　behavior；　the　exact　case　submitted　being；　〃Wot　oo　tink　of　me？　　Oo　peased　wi'　me？〃　and　I　had　thought　it　a　g