fantastic fables-第10部分

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〃No；〃　the　judge　said；　thoughtfully；　〃no；　that　would　be　quite　



irregular。　　I　do　not　sit　to…day　as　a　committing　magistrate。〃















The　Prerogative　of　Might















A　SLANDER　travelling　rapidly　through　the　land　upon　its　joyous　



mission　was　accosted　by　a　Retraction　and　commanded　to　halt　and　be　



killed。







〃Your　career　of　mischief　is　at　an　end；〃　said　the　Retraction；　



drawing　his　club；　rolling　up　his　sleeves；　and　spitting　on　his　



hands。







〃Why　should　you　slay　me？〃　protested　the　Slander。　　〃Whatever　my　



intentions　were；　I　have　been　innocuous；　for　you　have　dogged　my　



strides　and　counteracted　my　influence。〃







〃Dogged　your　grandmother！〃　said　the　Retraction；　with　contemptuous　



vulgarity　of　speech。　　〃In　the　order　of　nature　it　is　appointed　that　



we　two　shall　never　travel　the　same　road。〃







〃How　then；〃　the　Slander　asked；　triumphantly；　〃have　you　overtaken　



me？〃







〃I　have　not；〃　replied　the　Retraction；　〃we　have　accidentally　met。　　I　



came　round　the　world　the　other　way。〃







But　when　he　tried　to　execute　his　fell　purpose　he　found　that　in　the　



order　of　nature　it　was　appointed　that　he　himself　perish　miserably　



in　the　encounter。















An　Inflated　Ambition















THE　President　of　a　great　Corporation　went　into　a　dry…goods　shop　and　



saw　a　placard　which　read：







〃If　You　Don't　See　What　You　Want；　Ask　For　It。〃







Approaching　the　shopkeeper；　who　had　been　narrowly　observing　him　as　



he　read　the　placard；　he　was　about　to　speak；　when　the　shopkeeper　



called　to　a　salesman：







〃John；　show　this　gentleman　the　world。〃















Rejected　Services















A　HEAVY　Operator　overtaken　by　a　Reverse　of　Fortune　was　bewailing　



his　sudden　fall　from　affluence　to　indigence。







〃Do　not　weep；〃　said　the　Reverse　of　Fortune。　　〃You　need　not　suffer　



alone。　　Name　any　one　of　the　men　who　have　opposed　your　schemes；　and　



I　will　overtake　HIM。〃







〃It　is　hardly　worth　while；〃　said　the　victim；　earnestly。　　〃Not　a　



soul　of　them　has　a　cent！〃















The　Power　of　the　Scalawag















A　FORESTRY　Commissioner　had　just　felled　a　giant　tree　when；　seeing　



an　honest　man　approaching；　he　dropped　his　axe　and　fled。　　The　next　



day　when　he　cautiously　returned　to　get　his　axe；　he　found　the　



following　lines　pencilled　on　the　stump：







〃What　nature　reared　by　centuries　of　toil；



A　scalawag　in　half　a　day　can　spoil；



An　equal　fate　for　him　may　Heaven　provide　…



Damned　in　the　moment　of　his　tallest　pride。〃















At　Large　…　One　Temper















A　TURBULENT　Person　was　brought　before　a　Judge　to　be　tried　for　an　



assault　with　intent　to　commit　murder；　and　it　was　proved　that　he　had　



been　variously　obstreperous　without　apparent　provocation；　had　



affected　the　peripheries　of　several　luckless　fellow…citizens　with　



the　trunk　of　a　small　tree；　and　subsequently　cleaned　out　the　town。　　



While　trying　to　palliate　these　misdeeds；　the　defendant's　Attorney　



turned　suddenly　to　the　Judge；　saying：







〃Did　your　Honour　ever　lose　your　temper？〃







〃I　fine　you　twenty…five　dollars　for　contempt　of　court！〃　roared　the　



Judge；　in　wrath。　　〃How　dare　you　mention　the　loss　of　my　temper　in　



connection　with　this　case？〃







After　a　moment's　silence　the　Attorney　said；　meekly：







〃I　thought　my　client　might　perhaps　have　found　it。〃















The　Seeker　and　the　Sought















A　POLITICIAN　seeing　a　fat　Turkey　which　he　wanted　for　dinner；　baited　



a　hook　with　a　grain　of　corn　and　dragged　it　before　the　fowl　at　the　



end　of　a　long　and　almost　invisible　line。　　When　the　Turkey　had　



swallowed　the　hook；　the　Politician　ran；　drawing　the　creature　after　



him。







〃Fellow…citizens；〃　he　cried；　addressing　some　turkey…breeders　whom　



he　met；　〃you　observe　that　the　man　does　not　seek　the　bird；　but　the　



bird　seeks　the　man。　　For　this　unsolicited　and　unexpected　dinner　I　



thank　you　with　all　my　heart。〃















His　Fly…Speck　Majesty















A　DISTINGUISHED　Advocate　of　Republican　Institutions　was　seen　



pickling　his　shins　in　the　ocean。







〃Why　don't　you　come　out　on　dry　land？〃　said　the　Spectator。　　〃What　



are　you　in　there　for？〃







〃Sir；〃　replied　the　Distinguished　Advocate　of　Republican　



Institutions；　〃a　ship　is　expected；　bearing　His　Majesty　the　King　of　



the　Fly…Speck　Islands；　and　I　wish　to　be　the　first　to　grasp　the　



crowned　hand。〃







〃But；〃　said　the　Spectator；　〃you　said　in　your　famous　speech　before　



the　Society　for　the　Prevention　of　the　Protrusion　of　Nail　Heads　from　



Plank　Sidewalks　that　Kings　were　blood…smeared　oppressors　and　hell…



bound　loafers。〃







〃My　dear　sir；〃　said　the　Distinguished　Advocate　of　Republican　



Institutions；　without　removing　his　eyes　from　the　horizon；　〃you　



wander　away　into　the　strangest　irrelevancies！　　I　spoke　of　Kings　in　



the　abstract。〃















The　Pugilist's　Diet















THE　Trainer　of　a　Pugilist　consulted　a　Physician　regarding　the　



champion's　diet。







〃Beef…steaks　are　too　tender；〃　said　the　Physician；　〃have　his　meat　



cut　from　the　neck　of　a　bull。〃







〃I　thought　the　steaks　more　digestible；〃　the　Trainer　explained。







〃That　is　very　true；〃　said　the　Physician；　〃but　they　do　not　



sufficiently　exercise　the　chin。〃















The　Old　Man　and　the　Pupil















A　BEAUTIFUL　Old　Man；　meeting　a　Sunday…school　Pupil；　laid　his　hand　



tenderly　upon　the　lad's　head；　saying：　〃Listen；　my　son；　to　the　words　



of　the　wise　and　heed　the　advice　of　the　righteous。〃







〃All　right；〃　said　the　Sunday…school　Pupil；　〃go　ahead。〃







〃Oh；　I　haven't　anything　to　do　with　it　myself；〃　said　the　Beautiful　



Old　Man。　　〃I　am　only　observing　one　of　the　customs　of　the　age。　　I　am　



a　pirate。〃







And　when　he　had　taken　his　hand　from　the　lad's　head；　the　latter　



observed　that　his　hair　was　full　of　clotted　blood。　　Then　the　



Beautiful　Old　Man　went　his　way；　instructing　other　youth。















The　Deceased　and　his　Heirs















A　MAN　died　leaving　a　large　estate　and　many　sorrowful　relations　who　



claimed　it。　　After　some　years；　when　all　but　one　had　had　judgment　



given　against　them；　that　one　was　awarded　the　estate；　which　he　asked　



his　Attorney　to　have　appraised。







〃There　is　nothing　to　appraise；〃　said　the　Attorney；　pocketing　his　



last　fee。







〃Then；〃　said　the　Successful　Claimant；　〃what　good　has　all　this　



litigation　done　me？〃







〃You　have　been　a　good　client　to　me；〃　the　Attorney　replied；　



gathering　up　his　books　and　papers；　〃but　I　must　say　you　betray　a　



surprising　ignorance　of　the　purpose　of　litigation。〃















The　Politicians　and　the　Plunder















SEVERAL　Political　Entities　were　dividing　the　spoils。







〃I　will　take　the　management　of　the　prisons；〃　said　a　Decent　Respect　



for　Public　Opinion；　〃and　make　a　radical　change。〃







〃And　I；〃　said　the　Blotted　Escutcheon；　〃will　retain　my　present　



general　connection　with　affairs；　while　my　friend　here；　the　Soiled　



Ermine；　will　remain　in　the　Judiciary。〃







The　Political　Pot　said　it　would　not　boil　any　more　unless　



replenished　from　the　Filthy　Pool。







The　Cohesive　Power　of　Public　Plunder　quietly　remarked　that　the　two　



bosses　would；　he　supposed；　naturally　be　his　share。







〃No；〃　said　the　Depth　of　Degradation；　〃they　have　already　fallen　to　



me。〃















The　Man　and　the　Wart















A　PERSON　with　a　Wart　on　His　Nose　met　a　Person　Similarly　Afflicted；　



and　said：







〃Let　me　propose　your　name　for　membership　in　the　Imperial　Order　of　



Abnormal　Proboscidians；　of　which　I　am　the　High　Noble　Toby　and　



Surreptitious　Treasurer。　　Two　months　ago　I　was　the　only　member。　　



One　month　ago　there　were　two。　　To…day　we　number　four　Emperors　of　



the　Abnormal　Proboscis　in　good　standing　…　doubles　every　four　weeks；　



see？　　That's　geometrical　progression　…　you　know　how　that　piles　up。　　



In　a　year　and　a　half　every　man　in　California　will　have　a　wart　on　



his　Nose。　　Powerful　Order！　　Initiation；　five　dollars。〃







〃My　friend；〃　said　the　Person　Similarly　Afflicted；　〃here　are　five　



dollars。　　Keep　my　name　off　your　books。〃







〃Thank　you　kindly；〃　the　Man　with　a　Wart　on　His　Nose　replied；　



pocketing　the　money；　〃it　is　just　the　same　to　us　as　if　you　joined。　　



Good…by。〃







He　went　away；　but　in　a　little　while　he　was　back。







〃I　quite　forgot　to　mention　the　monthly　dues；〃　he　said。















The　Divided　Delegation















A　DELEGATION　at　Washington　went　to　a　New　President；　and　said：







〃Your　Excellency；　we　are　unable　to　agree　upon　a　Favourite　Son　to　



represent　us　in　your　Cabinet。〃







〃Then；〃　said　the　New　President；　〃I　shall　have　to　lock　you　up　until　



you　d