fantastic fables-第14部分

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A　FOGY　who　lived　in　a　cave　near　a　great　caravan　route　returned　to　



his　home　one　day　and　saw；　near　by；　a　great　concourse　of　men　and　



animals；　and　in　their　midst　a　tower；　at　the　foot　of　which　something　



with　wheels　smoked　and　panted　like　an　exhausted　horse。　　He　sought　



the　Sheik　of　the　Outfit。







〃What　sin　art　thou　committing　now；　O　son　of　a　Christian　dog？〃　said　



the　Fogy；　with　a　truly　Oriental　politeness。







〃Boring　for　water；　you　black…and…tan　galoot！〃　replied　the　Sheik　of　



the　Outfit；　with　that　ready　repartee　which　distinguishes　the　



Unbeliever。







〃Knowest　thou　not；　thou　whelp　of　darkness　and　father　of　disordered　



livers；〃　cried　the　Fogy；　〃that　water　will　cause　grass　to　spring　up　



here；　and　trees；　and　possibly　even　flowers？　　Knowest　thou　not；　that　



thou　art；　in　truth；　producing　an　oasis？〃







〃And　don't　you　know；〃　said　the　Sheik　of　the　Outfit；　〃that　caravans　



will　then　stop　here　for　rest　and　refreshments；　giving　you　a　chance　



to　steal　the　camels；　the　horses；　and　the　goods？〃







〃May　the　wild　hog　defile　my　grave；　but　thou　speakest　wisdom！〃　the　



Fogy　replied；　with　the　dignity　of　his　race；　extending　his　hand。　　



〃Sheik。〃







They　shook。















At　Heaven's　Gate















HAVING　arisen　from　the　tomb；　a　Woman　presented　herself　at　the　gate　



of　Heaven；　and　knocked　with　a　trembling　hand。







〃Madam；〃　said　Saint　Peter；　rising　and　approaching　the　wicket；　



〃whence　do　you　come？〃







〃From　San　Francisco；〃　replied　the　Woman；　with　embarrassment；　as　



great　beads　of　perspiration　spangled　her　spiritual　brow。







〃Never　mind；　my　good　girl；〃　the　Saint　said；　compassionately。　　



〃Eternity　is　a　long　time；　you　can　live　that　down。〃







〃But　that；　if　you　please；　is　not　all。〃　　The　Woman　was　growing　more　



and　more　confused。　　〃I　poisoned　my　husband。　　I　chopped　up　my　



babies。　　I　…　〃







〃Ah；〃　said　the　Saint；　with　sudden　austerity；　〃your　confession　



suggests　a　very　grave　possibility。　　Were　you　a　member　of　the　



Women's　Press　Association？〃







The　lady　drew　herself　up　and　replied　with　warmth：







〃I　was　not。〃







The　gates　of　pearl　and　jasper　swung　back　upon　their　golden　hinges；　



making　the　most　ravishing　music；　and　the　Saint；　stepping　aside；　



bowed　low；　saying：







〃Enter；　then；　into　thine　eternal　rest。〃







But　the　Woman　hesitated。







〃The　poisoning　…　the　chopping　…　the　…　the　…　〃　she　stammered。







〃Of　no　consequence；　I　assure　you。　　We　are　not　going　to　be　hard　on　a　



lady　who　did　not　belong　to　the　Women's　Press　Association。　　Take　a　



harp。〃







〃But　I　applied　for　membership　…　I　was　blackballed。〃







〃Take　two　harps。〃















The　Catted　Anarchist















AN　Anarchist　Orator　who　had　been　struck　in　the　face　with　a　Dead　Cat　



by　some　Respector　of　Law　to　him　unknown；　had　the　Dead　Cat　arrested　



and　taken　before　a　Magistrate。







〃Why　do　you　appeal　to　the　law？〃　said　the　Magistrate　…　〃You　who　go　



in　for　the　abolition　of　law。〃







〃That；〃　replied　the　Anarchist；　who　was　not　without　a　certain　



hardness　of　head；　〃that　is　none　of　your　business；　I　am　not　bound　to　



be　consistent。　　You　sit　here　to　do　justice　between　me　and　this　Dead　



Cat。〃







〃Very　well；〃　said　the　Magistrate；　putting　on　the　black　cap　and　a　



solemn　look；　〃as　the　accused　makes　no　defence；　and　is　undoubtedly　



guilty；　I　sentence　her　to　be　eaten　by　the　public　executioner；　and　



as　that　position　happens　to　be　vacant；　I　appoint　you　to　it；　without　



bonds。〃







One　of　the　most　delighted　spectators　at　the　execution　was　the　



anonymous　Respector　of　Law　who　had　flung　the　condemned。















The　Honourable　Member















A　MEMBER　of　a　Legislature；　who　had　pledged　himself　to　his　



Constituents　not　to　steal；　brought　home　at　the　end　of　the　session　a　



large　part　of　the　dome　of　the　Capitol。　　Thereupon　the　Constituents　



held　an　indignation　meeting　and　passed　a　resolution　of　tar　and　



feathers。







〃You　are　most　unjust；〃　said　the　Member　of　the　Legislature。　　〃It　is　



true　I　promised　you　I　would　not　steal；　but　had　I　ever　promised　you　



that　I　would　not　lie？〃







The　Constituents　said　he　was　an　honourable　man　and　elected　him　to　



the　United　States　Congress；　unpledged　and　unfledged。















The　Expatriated　Boss















A　BOSS　who　had　gone　to　Canada　was　taunted　by　a　Citizen　of　Montreal　



with　having　fled　to　avoid　prosecution。







〃You　do　me　a　grave　injustice；〃　said　the　Boss；　parting　with　a　pair　



of　tears。　　〃I　came　to　Canada　solely　because　of　its　political　



attractions；　its　Government　is　the　most　corrupt　in　the　world。〃







〃Pray　forgive　me；〃　said　the　Citizen　of　Montreal。







They　fell　upon　each　other's　neck；　and　at　the　conclusion　of　that　



touching　rite　the　Boss　had　two　watches。















An　Inadequate　Fee















AN　Ox；　unable　to　extricate　himself　from　the　mire　into　which　he　



sank；　was　advised　to　make　use　of　a　Political　Pull。　　When　the　



Political　Pull　had　arrived；　the　Ox　said：　〃My　good　friend；　please　



make　fast　to　me；　and　let　nature　take　her　course。〃







So　the　Political　Pull　made　fast　to　the　Ox's　head　and　nature　took　



her　course。　　The　Ox　was　drawn；　first；　from　the　mire；　and；　next；　



from　his　skin。　　Then　the　Political　Pull　looked　back　upon　the　good　



fat　carcase　of　beef　that　he　was　dragging　to　his　lair　and　said；　with　



a　discontented　spirit：







〃That　is　hardly　my　customary　fee；　I'll　take　home　this　first　



instalment；　then　return　and　bring　an　action　for　salvage　against　the　



skin。〃















The　Judge　and　the　Plaintiff















A　MAN　of　Experience　in　Business　was　awaiting　the　judgment　of　the　



Court　in　an　action　for　damages　which　he　had　brought　against　a　



railway　company。　　The　door　opened　and　the　Judge　of　the　Court　



entered。







〃Well；〃　said　he；　〃I　am　going　to　decide　your　case　to…day。　　If　I　



should　decide　in　your　favour；　I　wonder　how　you　would　express　your　



satisfaction？〃







〃Sir；〃　said　the　Man　of　Experience　in　Business；　〃I　should　risk　your　



anger　by　offering　you　one　half　the　sum　awarded。〃







〃Did　I　say　I　was　going　to　decide　that　case？〃　said　the　Judge；　



abruptly；　as　if　awakening　from　a　dream。　　〃Dear　me；　how　absent…



minded　I　am。　　I　mean　I　have　already　decided　it；　and　judgment　has　



been　entered　for　the　full　amount　that　you　sued　for。〃







〃Did　I　say　I　would　give　you　one　half？〃　said　the　Man　of　Experience　



in　Business；　coldly。　　〃Dear　me；　how　near　I　came　to　being　a　rascal。　　



I　mean；　that　I　am　greatly　obliged　to　you。〃















The　Return　of　the　Representative















HEARING　that　the　Legislature　had　adjourned；　the　people　of　an　



Assembly　District　held　a　mass…meeting　to　devise　a　suitable　



punishment　for　their　representative。　　By　one　speaker　it　was　



proposed　that　he　be　disembowelled；　by　another　that　he　be　made　to　



run　the　gauntlet。　　Some　favoured　hanging；　some　thought　that　it　



would　do　him　good　to　appear　in　a　suit　of　tar　and　feathers。　　An　old　



man；　famous　for　his　wisdom　and　his　habit　of　drooling　on　his　shirt…



front；　suggested　that　they　first　catch　their　hare。　　So　the　Chairman　



appointed　a　committee　to　watch　for　the　victim　at　midnight；　and　take　



him　as　he　should　attempt　to　sneak　into　town　across…lots　from　the　



tamarack　swamp。　　At　this　point　in　the　proceedings　they　were　



interrupted　by　the　sound　of　a　brass　band。　　Their　dishonoured　



representative　was　driving　up　from　the　railway　station　in　a　coach…



and…four；　with　music　and　a　banner。　　A　few　moments　later　he　entered　



the　hall；　went　upon　the　platform；　and　said　it　was　the　proudest　



moment　of　his　life。　（Cheers。）















A　Statesman















A　STATESMAN　who　attended　a　meeting　of　a　Chamber　of　Commerce　rose　to　



speak；　but　was　objected　to　on　the　ground　that　he　had　nothing　to　do　



with　commerce。







〃Mr。　Chairman；〃　said　an　Aged　Member；　rising；　〃I　conceive　that　the　



objection　is　not　well　taken；　the　gentleman's　connection　with　



commerce　is　close　and　intimate。　　He　is　a　Commodity。〃















Two　Dogs















THE　Dog；　as　created；　had　a　rigid　tail；　but　after　some　centuries　of　



a　cheerless　existence；　unappreciated　by　Man；　who　made　him　work　for　



his　living；　he　implored　the　Creator　to　endow　him　with　a　wag。　　This　



being　done　he　was　able　to　dissemble　his　resentment　with　a　sign　of　



affection；　and　the　earth　was　his　and　the　fulness　thereof。　　



Observing　this；　the　Politician　（an　animal　created　later）　petitioned　



that　a　wag　might　be　given　him　too。　　As　he　was　incaudate　it　was　



conferred　upon　his　chin；　which　he　now　wags　with　great　profit　and　



gratification　except　when　he　is　at　his　meals。















Three　Recruits















A　FARMER；　an　Artisan；　and　a　L