fantastic fables-第3部分

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the　province　of　Ukwuk；　the　Wampog　issued　a　proclamation　convening　



all　the　male　residents　in　council　in　the　Temple　of　Ul　to　devise　



means　of　defence。　　The　first　speaker　thought　the　best　policy　would　



be　to　offer　a　fried　jackass　to　the　gods。　　The　second　suggested　a　



public　procession；　headed　by　the　Wampog　himself；　bearing　the　Holy　



Poker　on　a　cushion　of　cloth…of…brass。　　Another　thought　that　a　



scarlet　mole　should　be　buried　alive　in　the　public　park　and　a　



suitable　incantation　chanted　over　the　remains。　　The　advice　of　the　



fourth　was　that　the　columns　of　the　capitol　be　rubbed　with　oil　of　



dog　by　a　person　having　a　moustache　on　the　calf　of　his　leg。　　When　



all　the　others　had　spoken　an　Aged　Man　rose　and　said：







〃High　and　mighty　Wampog　and　fellow…citizens；　I　have　listened　



attentively　to　all　the　plans　proposed。　　All　seem　wise；　and　I　do　not　



suffer　myself　to　doubt　that　any　one　of　them　would　be　efficacious。　　



Nevertheless；　I　cannot　help　thinking　that　if　we　would　put　an　



improved　breed　of　polliwogs　in　our　drinking　water；　construct　



shallower　roadways；　groom　the　street　cows；　offer　the　stranger　



within　our　gates　a　free　choice　between　the　poniard　and　the　potion；　



and　relinquish　our　private　system　of　morals；　the　other　measures　of　



public　safety　would　be　needless。〃







The　Aged　Man　was　about　to　speak　further；　but　the　meeting　informally　



adjourned　in　order　to　sweep　the　floor　of　the　temple　…　for　the　men　



of　Gakwak　are　the　tidiest　housewives　in　all　that　province。　　The　



last　speaker　was　the　broom。















The　Critics















WHILE　bathing；　Antinous　was　seen　by　Minerva；　who　was　so　enamoured　



of　his　beauty　that；　all　armed　as　she　happened　to　be；　she　descended　



from　Olympus　to　woo　him；　but；　unluckily　displaying　her　shield；　with　



the　head　of　Medusa　on　it；　she　had　the　unhappiness　to　see　the　



beautiful　mortal　turn　to　stone　from　catching　a　glimpse　of　it。　　She　



straightway　ascended　to　ask　Jove　to　restore　him；　but　before　this　



could　be　done　a　Sculptor　and　a　Critic　passed　that　way　and　espied　



him。







〃This　is　a　very　bad　Apollo；〃　said　the　Sculptor：　〃the　chest　is　too　



narrow；　and　one　arm　is　at　least　a　half…inch　shorter　than　the　other。　　



The　attitude　is　unnatural；　and　I　may　say　impossible。　　Ah！　my　



friend；　you　should　see　my　statue　of　Antinous。〃







〃In　my　judgment；　the　figure；〃　said　the　Critic；　〃is　tolerably　good；　



though　rather　Etrurian；　but　the　expression　of　the　face　is　decidedly　



Tuscan；　and　therefore　false　to　nature。　　By　the　way；　have　you　read　



my　work　on　'The　Fallaciousness　of　the　Aspectual　in　Art'？〃















The　Foolish　Woman















A　MARRIED　Woman；　whose　lover　was　about　to　reform　by　running　away；　



procured　a　pistol　and　shot　him　dead。







〃Why　did　you　do　that；　Madam？〃　inquired　a　Policeman；　sauntering　by。







〃Because；〃　replied　the　Married　Woman；　〃he　was　a　wicked　man；　and　had　



purchased　a　ticket　to　Chicago。〃







〃My　sister；〃　said　an　adjacent　Man　of　God；　solemnly；　〃you　cannot　



stop　the　wicked　from　going　to　Chicago　by　killing　them。〃















Father　and　Son















〃MY　boy；〃　said　an　aged　Father　to　his　fiery　and　disobedient　Son；　〃a　



hot　temper　is　the　soil　of　remorse。　　Promise　me　that　when　next　you　



are　angry　you　will　count　one　hundred　before　you　move　or　speak。〃







No　sooner　had　the　Son　promised　than　he　received　a　stinging　blow　



from　the　paternal　walking…stick；　and　by　the　time　he　had　counted　to　



seventy…five　had　the　unhappiness　to　see　the　old　man　jump　into　a　



waiting　cab　and　whirl　away。















The　Discontented　Malefactor















A　JUDGE　having　sentenced　a　Malefactor　to　the　penitentiary　was　



proceeding　to　point　out　to　him　the　disadvantages　of　crime　and　the　



profit　of　reformation。







〃Your　Honour；〃　said　the　Malefactor；　interrupting；　〃would　you　be　



kind　enough　to　alter　my　punishment　to　ten　years　in　the　penitentiary　



and　nothing　else？〃







〃Why；〃　said　the　Judge；　surprised；　〃I　have　given　you　only　three　



years！〃







〃Yes；　I　know；〃　assented　the　Malefactor　…　〃three　years'　imprisonment　



and　the　preaching。　　If　you　please；　I　should　like　to　commute　the　



preaching。〃















A　Call　to　Quit















SEEING　that　his　audiences　were　becoming　smaller　every　Sunday；　a　



Minister　of　the　Gospel　broke　off　in　the　midst　of　a　sermon；　



descended　the　pulpit　stairs；　and　walked　on　his　hands　down　the　



central　aisle　of　the　church。　　He　then　remounted　his　feet；　ascended　



to　the　pulpit；　and　resumed　his　discourse；　making　no　allusion　to　the　



incident。







〃Now；〃　said　he　to　himself；　as　he　went　home；　〃I　shall　have；　



henceforth；　a　large　attendance　and　no　snoring。〃







But　on　the　following　Friday　he　was　waited　upon　by　the　Pillars　of　



the　Church；　who　informed　him　that　in　order　to　be　in　harmony　with　



the　New　Theology　and　get　full　advantage　of　modern　methods　of　Gospel　



interpretation　they　had　deemed　it　advisable　to　make　a　change。　　They　



had　therefore　sent　a　call　to　Brother　Jowjeetum…Fallal；　the　World…



Renowned　Hindoo　Human　Pin…Wheel；　then　holding　forth　in　Hoopitup's　





circus。　　They　were　happy　to　say　that　the　reverend　gentleman　had　



been　moved　by　the　Spirit　to　accept　the　call；　and　on　the　ensuing　



Sabbath　would　break　the　bread　of　life　for　the　brethren　or　break　his　



neck　in　the　attempt。















The　Man　and　the　Lightning















A　MAN　Running　for　Office　was　overtaken　by　Lightning。







〃You　see；〃　said　the　Lightning；　as　it　crept　past　him　inch　by　inch；　



〃I　can　travel　considerably　faster　than　you。〃







〃Yes；〃　the　Man　Running　for　Office　replied；　〃but　think　how　much　



longer　I　keep　going！〃















The　Lassoed　Bear















A　HUNTER　who　had　lassoed　a　Bear　was　trying　to　disengage　himself　



from　the　rope；　but　the　slip…knot　about　his　wrist　would　not　yield；　



for　the　Bear　was　all　the　time　pulling　in　the　slack　with　his　paws。　　



In　the　midst　of　his　trouble　the　Hunter　saw　a　Showman　passing　by；　



and　managed　to　attract　his　attention。







〃What　will　you　give　me；〃　he　said；　〃for　my　Bear？〃







〃It　will　be　some　five　or　ten　minutes；〃　said　the　Showman；　〃before　I　



shall　want　a　fresh　Bear；　and　it　looks　to　me　as　if　prices　would　fall　



during　that　time。　　I　think　I'll　wait　and　watch　the　market。〃







〃The　price　of　this　animal；〃　the　Hunter　replied；　〃is　down　to　bed…



rock；　you　can　have　him　for　nothing　a　pound；　spot　cash；　and　I'll　



throw　in　the　next　one　that　I　lasso。　　But　the　purchaser　must　remove　



the　goods　from　the　premises　forthwith；　to　make　room　for　three　man…



eating　tigers；　a　cat…headed　gorilla；　and　an　armful　of　



rattlesnakes。〃







But　the　Showman　passed　on；　in　maiden　meditation；　fancy　free；　and　



being　joined　soon　afterward　by　the　Bear；　who　was　absently　picking　



his　teeth；　it　was　inferred　that　they　were　not　unacquainted。















The　Ineffective　Rooter















A　DRUNKEN　Man　was　lying　in　the　road　with　a　bleeding　nose；　upon　



which　he　had　fallen；　when　a　Pig　passed　that　way。







〃You　wallow　fairly　well；〃　said　the　Pig；　〃but；　my　fine　fellow；　you　



have　much　to　learn　about　rooting。〃















A　Protagonist　of　Silver















SOME　Financiers　who　were　whetting　their　tongues　on　their　teeth　



because　the　Government　had　〃struck　down〃　silver；　and　were　about　to　



〃inaugurate〃　a　season　of　sweatshed；　were　addressed　as　follows　by　a　



Member　of　their　honourable　and　warlike　body：







〃Comrades　of　the　thunder　and　companions　of　death；　I　cannot　but　



regard　it　as　singularly　fortunate　that　we　who　by　conviction　and　



sympathy　are　designated　by　nature　as　the　champions　of　that　fairest　



of　her　products；　the　white　metal；　should　also；　by　a　happy　chance；　



be　engaged　mostly　in　the　business　of　mining　it。　　Nothing　could　be　



more　appropriate　than　that　those　who　from　unselfish　motives　and　



elevated　sentiments　are　doing　battle　for　the　people's　rights　and　



interests；　should　themselves　be　the　chief　beneficiaries　of　success。　　



Therefore；　O　children　of　the　earthquake　and　the　storm；　let　us　stand　



shoulder　to　shoulder；　heart　to　heart；　and　pocket　to　pocket！〃







This　speech　so　pleased　the　other　Members　of　the　convention　that；　



actuated　by　a　magnanimous　impulse；　they　sprang　to　their　feet　and　



left　the　hall。　　It　was　the　first　time　they　had　ever　been　known　to　



leave　anything　having　value。















The　Holy　Deacon















AN　Itinerant　Preacher　who　had　wrought　hard　in　the　moral　vineyard　



for　several　hours　whispered　to　a　Holy　Deacon　of　the　local　church：







〃Brother；　these　people　know　you；　and　your　active　support　will　bear　



fruit　abundantly。　　Please　pass　the　plate　for　me；　and　you　shall　have　



one　fourth。〃







The　Holy　Deacon　did　so；　and　putting　the　money　into　his