notes from the underground-第13部分

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I；　for　instance；　was　triumphant　over　everyone；　everyone；　of

course；　was　in　dust　and　ashes；　and　was　forced　spontaneously　to

recognise　my　superiority；　and　I　forgave　them　all。　　I　was　a　poet

and　a　grand　gentleman；　I　fell　in　love；　I　came　in　for　countless

millions　and　immediately　devoted　them　to　humanity；　and　at　the

same　time　I　confessed　before　all　the　people　my　shameful　deeds；

which；　of　course；　were　not　merely　shameful；　but　had　in　them　much

that　was　〃sublime　and　beautiful〃　something　in　the　Manfred　style。　

Everyone　would　kiss　me　and　weep　（what　idiots　they　would　be　if

they　did　not）；　while　I　should　go　barefoot　and　hungry　preaching

new　ideas　and　fighting　a　victorious　Austerlitz　against　the

obscurantists。　　Then　the　band　would　play　a　march；　an　amnesty

would　be　declared；　the　Pope　would　agree　to　retire　from　Rome　to

Brazil；　then　there　would　be　a　ball　for　the　whole　of　Italy　at　the

Villa　Borghese　on　the　shores　of　Lake　Como；　Lake　Como　being　for

that　purpose　transferred　to　the　neighbourhood　of　Rome；　then　would

come　a　scene　in　the　bushes；　and　so　on；　and　so　onas　though　you

did　not　know　all　about　it？　　You　will　say　that　it　is　vulgar　and

contemptible　to　drag　all　this　into　public　after　all　the　tears　and

transports　which　I　have　myself　confessed。　　But　why　is　it

contemptible？　　Can　you　imagine　that　I　am　ashamed　of　it　all；　and

that　it　was　stupider　than　anything　in　your　life；　gentlemen？　　And

I　can　assure　you　that　some　of　these　fancies　were　by　no　means

badly　composed。。。。　It　did　not　all　happen　on　the　shores　of　Lake

Como。　　And　yet　you　are　rightit　really　is　vulgar　and

contemptible。　　And　most　contemptible　of　all　it　is　that　now　I　am

attempting　to　justify　myself　to　you。　　And　even　more　contemptible

than　that　is　my　making　this　remark　now。　　But　that's　enough；　or

there　will　be　no　end　to　it；　each　step　will　be　more　contemptible

than　the　last。。。。



I　could　never　stand　more　than　three　months　of　dreaming　at　a　time

without　feeling　an　irresistible　desire　to　plunge　into　society。　

To　plunge　into　society　meant　to　visit　my　superior　at　the　office；

Anton　Antonitch　Syetotchkin。　　He　was　the　only　permanent

acquaintance　I　have　had　in　my　life；　and　I　wonder　at　the　fact

myself　now。　　But　I　only　went　to　see　him　when　that　phase　came　over

me；　and　when　my　dreams　had　reached　such　a　point　of　bliss　that　it

became　essential　at　once　to　embrace　my　fellows　and　all　mankind；

and　for　that　purpose　I　needed；　at　least；　one　human　being；

actually　existing。　　I　had　to　call　on　Anton　Antonitch；　however；　on

Tuesdayhis　at…home　day；　so　I　had　always　to　time　my　passionate

desire　to　embrace　humanity　so　that　it　might　fall　on　a　Tuesday。



This　Anton　Antonitch　lived　on　the　fourth　storey　in　a　house　in

Five　Corners；　in　four　low…pitched　rooms；　one　smaller　than　the

other；　of　a　particularly　frugal　and　sallow　appearance。　　He　had

two　daughters　and　their　aunt；　who　used　to　pour　out　the　tea。　　Of

the　daughters　one　was　thirteen　and　another　fourteen；　they　both

had　snub　noses；　and　I　was　awfully　shy　of　them　because　they　were

always　whispering　and　giggling　together。　　The　master　of　the　house

usually　sat　in　his　study　on　a　leather　couch　in　front　of　the　table

with　some　grey…headed　gentleman；　usually　a　colleague　from　our

office　or　some　other　department。　　I　never　saw　more　than　two　or

three　visitors　there；　always　the　same。　　They　talked　about　the

excise　duty；　about　business　in　the　senate；　about　salaries；　about

promotions；　about　His　Excellency；　and　the　best　means　of　pleasing

him；　and　so　on。　I　had　the　patience　to　sit　like　a　fool　beside

these　people　for　four　hours　at　a　stretch；　listening　to　them

without　knowing　what　to　say　to　them　or　venturing　to　say　a　word。　

I　became　stupefied；　several　times　I　felt　myself　perspiring；　I　was

overcome　by　a　sort　of　paralysis；　but　this　was　pleasant　and　good

for　me。　　On　returning　home　I　deferred　for　a　time　my　desire　to

embrace　all　mankind。



I　had　however　one　other　acquaintance　of　a　sort；　Simonov；　who　was

an　old　schoolfellow。　　I　had　a　number　of　schoolfellows；　indeed；　in

Petersburg；　but　I　did　not　associate　with　them　and　had　even　given

up　nodding　to　them　in　the　street。　　I　believe　I　had　transferred

into　the　department　I　was　in　simply　to　avoid　their　company　and　to

cut　off　all　connection　with　my　hateful　childhood。　　Curses　on　that

school　and　all　those　terrible　years　of　penal　servitude！　　In

short；　I　parted　from　my　schoolfellows　as　soon　as　I　got　out　into

the　world。　　There　were　two　or　three　left　to　whom　I　nodded　in　the

street。　　One　of　them　was　Simonov；　who　had　in　no　way　been

distinguished　at　school；　was　of　a　quiet　and　equable　disposition；

but　I　discovered　in　him　a　certain　independence　of　character　and

even　honesty。　　I　don't　even　suppose　that　he　was　particularly

stupid。　　I　had　at　one　time　spent　some　rather　soulful　moments　with

him；　but　these　had　not　lasted　long　and　had　somehow　been　suddenly

clouded　over。　　He　was　evidently　uncomfortable　at　these

reminiscences；　and　was；　I　fancy；　always　afraid　that　I　might　take

up　the　same　tone　again。　　I　suspected　that　he　had　an　aversion　for

me；　but　still　I　went　on　going　to　see　him；　not　being　quite　certain

of　it。



And　so　on　one　occasion；　unable　to　endure　my　solitude　and　knowing

that　as　it　was　Thursday　Anton　Antonitch's　door　would　be　closed；　I

thought　of　Simonov。　　Climbing　up　to　his　fourth　storey　I　was

thinking　that　the　man　disliked　me　and　that　it　was　a　mistake　to　go

and　see　him。　　But　as　it　always　happened　that　such　reflections

impelled　me；　as　though　purposely；　to　put　myself　into　a　false

position；　I　went　in。　　It　was　almost　a　year　since　I　had　last　seen

Simonov。





III



I　found　two　of　my　old　schoolfellows　with　him。　　They　seemed　to　be

discussing　an　important　matter。　　All　of　them　took　scarcely　any

notice　of　my　entrance；　which　was　strange；　for　I　had　not　met　them

for　years。　　Evidently　they　looked　upon　me　as　something　on　the

level　of　a　common　fly。　　I　had　not　been　treated　like　that　even　at

school；　though　they　all　hated　me。　　I　knew；　of　course；　that　they

must　despise　me　now　for　my　lack　of　success　in　the　service；　and

for　my　having　let　myself　sink　so　low；　going　about　badly　dressed

and　so　onwhich　seemed　to　them　a　sign　of　my　incapacity　and

insignificance。　　But　I　had　not　expected　such　contempt。　　Simonov

was　positively　surprised　at　my　turning　up。　　Even　in　old　days　he

had　always　seemed　surprised　at　my　coming。　　All　this　disconcerted

me：　I　sat　down；　feeling　rather　miserable；　and　began　listening　to

what　they　were　saying。



They　were　engaged　in　warm　and　earnest　conversation　about　a

farewell　dinner　which　they　wanted　to　arrange　for　the　next　day　to

a　comrade　of　theirs　called　Zverkov；　an　officer　in　the　army；　who

was　going　away　to　a　distant　province。　　This　Zverkov　had　been　all

the　time　at　school　with　me　too。　　I　had　begun　to　hate　him

particularly　in　the　upper　forms。　　In　the　lower　forms　he　had

simply　been　a　pretty；　playful　boy　whom　everybody　liked。　　I　had

hated　him；　however；　even　in　the　lower　forms；　just　because　he　was

a　pretty　and　playful　boy。　　He　was　always　bad　at　his　lessons　and

got　worse　and　worse　as　he　went　on；　however；　he　left　with　a　good

certificate；　as　he　had　powerful　interests。　　During　his　last　year

at　school　he　came　in　for　an　estate　of　two　hundred　serfs；　and　as

almost　all　of　us　were　poor　he　took　up　a　swaggering　tone　among　us。　

He　was　vulgar　in　the　extreme；　but　at　the　same　time　he　was　a

good…natured　fellow；　even　in　his　swaggering。　　In　spite　of

superficial；　fantastic　and　sham　notions　of　honour　and　dignity；

all　but　very　few　of　us　positively　grovelled　before　Zverkov；　and

the　more　so　the　more　he　swaggered。　　And　it　was　not　from　any

interested　motive　that　they　grovelled；　but　simply　because　he　had

been　favoured　by　the　gifts　of　nature。　　Moreover；　it　was；　as　it

were；　an　accepted　idea　among　us　that　Zverkov　was　a　specialist　in

regard　to　tact　and　the　social　graces。　　This　last　fact

particularly　infuriated　me。　　I　hated　the　abrupt　self…confident

tone　of　his　voice；　his　admiration　of　his　own　witticisms；　which

were　often　frightfully　stupid；　though　he　was　bold　in　his

language；　I　hated　his　handsome；　but　stupid　face　（for　which　I

would；　however；　have　gladly　exchanged　my　intelligent　one）；　and

the　free…and…easy　military　manners　in　fashion　in　the　〃'forties。〃

I　hated　the　way　in　which　he　used　to　talk　of　his　future　conquests

of　women　（he　did　not　venture　to　begin　his　attack　upon　women　until

he　had　the　epaulettes　of　an　officer；　and　was　looking　forward　to

them　with　impatience）；　and　boasted　of　the　duels　he　would

constantly　be　fighting。　　I　remember　how　I；　invariably　so

taciturn；　suddenly　fastened　upon　Zverkov；　when　one　day　talking　at

a　leisure　moment　with　his　schoolfellows　of　his　future　relations

with　the　fair　sex；　and　growing　as　sportive　as　a　puppy　in　the　sun；

he　all　at　once　declared　that　he　would　not　leave　a　single　village

girl　on　his　estate　unnoticed；　that　that　was　his　droit　de

seigneur；　and　that　if　the　peasants　dared　to　protest　he　would　have

them　all　flogged　and　double　the　tax　on　them；　the　bearded　rascals。　

O