the wife and other stories-第26部分

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iza　laughs　spasmodically　and　screws　up　her　eyes。　I　watch　them　both；　and　it　is　only　now　at　dinner　that　it　becomes　absolutely　evident　to　me　that　the　inner　life　of　these　two　has　　slipped　away　out　of　my　ken。　I　have　a　feeling　as　though　I　had　once　lived　at　home　with　a　real　wife　and　children　and　that　now　I　am　dining　with　visitors；　in　the　house　of　a　sham　wife　who　is　not　the　real　one；　and　am　looking　at　a　Liza　who　is　not　the　real　Liza。　A　startling　change　has　taken　place　in　both　of　them；　I　have　missed　the　long　process　by　which　that　change　was　effected；　and　it　is　no　wonder　that　I　can　make　nothing　of　it。　Why　did　that　change　take　place？　I　don't　know。　Perhaps　the　whole　trouble　is　that　God　has　not　given　my　wife　and　daughter　the　same　strength　of　character　as　me。　From　childhood　I　have　been　accustomed　to　resisting　external　influences；　and　have　steeled　myself　pretty　thoroughly。　Such　catastrophes　in　life　as　fame；　the　rank　of　a　general；　the　transition　from　comfort　to　living　beyond　our　means；　acquaintance　with　celebrities；　etc。；　have　scarcely　affected　me；　and　I　have　remained　intact　and　unashamed；　but　on　my　wife　and　Liza；　who　have　not　been　through　the　same　hardening　process　and　are　weak；　all　this　has　fallen　like　an　avalanche　of　snow；　overwhelming　them。　Gnekker　and　the　young　ladies　talk　of　fugues；　of　counterpoint；　of　singers　and　pianists；　of　Bach　and　Brahms；　while　my　wife；　afraid　of　their　suspecting　her　of　ignorance　of　music；　smiles　to　them　sympathetically　and　mutters：　〃That's　exquisite　。　。　。　really！　You　don't　say　so！　。　。　。　Gnekker　eats　with　solid　dignity；　jests　with　solid　dignity；　and　condescendingly　listens　to　the　remarks　of　the　young　ladies。　From　time　to　time　he　is　moved　to　speak　in　bad　French；　and　then；　for　some　reason　or　other；　he　thinks　it　necessary　to　address　me　as　_〃Votre　Excellence。〃_

And　I　am　glum。　Evidently　I　am　a　constraint　to　them　and　they　are　a　constraint　to　me。　I　have　never　in　my　earlier　days　had　a　close　knowledge　of　class　antagonism；　but　now　I　am　tormented　by　something　of　that　sort。　I　am　on　the　lookout　for　nothing　but　bad　qualities　in　Gnekker；　I　quickly　find　them；　and　am　fretted　at　the　thought　that　a　man　not　of　my　circle　is　sitting　here　as　my　daughter's　suitor。　His　presence　has　a　bad　influence　on　me　in　other　ways；　too。　As　a　rule；　when　I　am　alone　or　in　the　society　of　people　I　like；　never　think　of　my　own　achievements；　or；　if　I　do　recall　them；　they　seem　to　me　as　trivial　as　though　I　had　only　completed　my　studies　yesterday；　but　in　the　presence　of　people　like　Gnekker　my　achievements　in　science　seem　to　be　a　lofty　mountain　the　top　of　which　vanishes　into　the　clouds；　while　at　its　foot　Gnekkers　are　running　about　scarcely　visible　to　the　naked　eye。

After　dinner　I　go　into　my　study　and　there　smoke　my　pipe；　the　only　one　in　the　whole　day；　the　sole　relic　of　my　old　bad　habit　of　smoking　from　morning　till　night。　While　I　am　smoking　my　wife　comes　in　and　sits　down　to　talk　to　me。　Just　as　in　the　morning；　I　know　beforehand　what　our　conversation　is　going　to　be　about。

〃I　must　talk　to　you　seriously；　Nikolay　Stepanovitch；〃　she　begins。　〃I　mean　about　Liza。　。　。　。　Why　don't　you　pay　attention　to　it？〃

〃To　what？〃

〃You　pretend　to　notice　nothing。　But　that　is　not　right。　We　can't　shirk　responsibility。　。　。　。　Gnekker　has　intentions　in　regard　to　Liza。　。　。　。　What　do　you　say？〃

〃That　he　is　a　bad　man　I　can't　say；　because　I　don't　know　him；　but　that　I　don't　like　him　I　have　told　you　a　thousand　times　already。〃

〃But　you　can't　。　。　。　you　can't！〃

She　gets　up　and　walks　about　in　excitement。

〃You　can't　take　up　that　attitude　to　a　serious　step；〃　she　says。　〃When　it　is　a　question　of　our　daughter's　happiness　we　must　lay　aside　all　personal　feeling。　I　know　you　do　not　like　him。　。　。　。　Very　good　。　。　。　if　we　refuse　him　now；　if　we　break　it　all　off；　how　can　you　be　sure　that　Liza　will　not　have　a　grievance　against　us　all　her　life？　Suitors　are　not　plentiful　nowadays；　goodness　knows；　and　it　may　happen　that　no　other　match　will　turn　up。　。　。　。　He　is　very　much　in　love　with　Liza；　and　she　seems　to　like　him。　。　。　。　Of　course；　he　has　no　settled　position；　but　that　can't　be　helped。　Please　God；　in　time　he　will　get　one。　He　is　of　good　family　and　well　off。〃

〃Where　did　you　learn　that？〃

〃He　told　us　so。　His　father　has　a　large　house　in　Harkov　and　an　estate　in　the　neighbourhood。　In　short；　Nikolay　Stepanovitch；　you　absolutely　must　go　to　Harkov。〃

〃What　for？〃

〃You　will　find　out　all　about　him　there。　。　。　。　You　know　the　professors　there；　they　will　help　you。　I　would　go　myself；　but　I　am　a　woman。　I　cannot。　。　。　。〃

〃I　am　not　going　to　Harkov；〃　I　say　morosely。

My　wife　is　frightened；　and　a　look　of　intense　suffering　comes　into　her　face。

〃For　God's　sake；　Nikolay　Stepanovitch；〃　she　implores　me；　with　tears　in　her　voice　〃for　God's　sake；　take　this　burden　off　me！　I　am　so　worried！〃

It　is　painful　for　me　to　look　at　her。

〃Very　well；　Varya；〃　I　say　affectionately；　〃if　you　wish　it；　then　certainly　I　will　go　to　Harkov　and　do　all　you　want。〃

She　presses　her　handkerchief　to　her　eyes　and　goes　off　to　her　room　to　cry；　and　I　am　left　alone。

A　little　later　lights　are　brought　in。　The　armchair　and　the　lamp…shade　cast　familiar　shadows　that　have　long　grown　wearisome　on　the　walls　and　on　the　floor；　and　when　I　look　at　them　I　feel　as　though　the　night　had　come　and　with　it　my　accursed　sleeplessness。　I　lie　on　my　bed；　then　get　up　and　walk　about　the　room；　then　lie　down　again。　As　a　rule　it　is　after　dinner；　at　the　approach　of　evening；　that　my　nervous　excitement　reaches　its　highest　pitch。　For　no　reason　I　begin　crying　and　burying　my　head　in　the　pillow。　At　such　times　I　am　afraid　that　some　one　may　come　in；　I　am　afraid　of　suddenly　dying；　I　am　ashamed　of　my　tears；　and　altogether　there　is　something　insufferable　in　my　soul。　I　feel　that　I　can　no　longer　bear　the　sight　of　my　lamp；　of　my　books；　of　the　shadows　on　the　floor。　I　cannot　bear　the　sound　of　the　voices　coming　from　the　drawing…room。　Some　force　unseen；　uncomprehended；　is　roughly　thrusting　me　out　of　my　flat。　I　leap　up　hurriedly；　dress；　and　cautiously；　that　my　family　may　not　notice；　slip　out　into　the　street。　Where　am　I　to　go？

The　answer　to　that　question　has　long　been　ready　in　my　brain。　To　Katya。

III

As　a　rule　she　is　lying　on　the　sofa　or　in　a　lounge…chair　reading。　Seeing　me；　she　raises　her　head　languidly；　sits　up；　and　shakes　hands。

〃You　are　always　lying　down；〃　I　say；　after　pausing　and　taking　breath。　〃That's　not　good　for　you。　You　ought　to　occupy　yourself　with　something。〃

〃What？〃

〃I　say　you　ought　to　occupy　yourself　in　some　way。〃

〃With　what？　A　woman　can　be　nothing　but　a　simple　workwoman　or　an　actress。〃

〃Well；　if　you　can't　be　a　workwoman；　be　an　actress。〃

She　says　nothing。

〃You　ought　to　get　married；〃　I　say；　half　in　jest。

〃There　is　no　one　to　marry。　There's　no　reason　to；　either。〃

〃You　can't　live　like　this。〃

〃Without　a　husband？　Much　that　matters；　I　could　have　as　many　men　as　I　like　if　I　wanted　to。〃

〃That's　ugly；　Katya。〃

〃What　is　ugly？〃

〃Why；　what　you　have　just　said。〃

Noticing　that　I　am　hurt　and　wishing　to　efface　the　disagreeable　impression；　Katya　says：

〃Let　us　go；　come　this　way。〃

She　takes　me　into　a　very　snug　little　room；　and　says；　pointing　to　the　writing…table：

〃Look　。　。　。　I　have　got　that　ready　for　you。　You　shall　work　here。　Come　here　every　day　and　bring　your　work　with　you。　They　only　hinder　you　there　at　home。　Will　you　work　here？　Will　you　like　to？〃

Not　to　wound　her　by　refusing；　I　answer　that　I　will　work　here；　and　that　I　like　the　room　very　much。　Then　we　both　sit　down　in　the　snug　little　room　and　begin　talking。

The　warm；　snug　surroundings　and　the　presence　of　a　sympathetic　person　does　not；　as　in　old　days；　arouse　in　me　a　feeling　of　pleasure；　but　an　intense　impulse　to　complain　and　grumble。　I　feel　for　some　reason　that　if　I　lament　and　complain　I　shall　feel　better。

〃Things　are　in　a　bad　way　with　me；　my　dear　　very　bad。　。　。　。〃

〃What　is　it？〃

〃You　see　how　it　is；　my　dear；　the　best　and　holiest　right　of　kings　is　the　right　of　mercy。　And　I　have　always　felt　myself　a　king；　since　I　have　made　unlimited　use　of　that　right。　I　have　never　judged；　I　have　been　indulgent；　I　have　readily　forgiven　every　one；　right　and　left。　Where　others　have　protested　and　expressed　indignation；　I　have　only　advised　and　persuaded。　All　my　life　it　has　been　my　endeavour　that　my　society　should　not　be　a　burden　to　my　family；　to　my　students；　to　my　colleagues；　to　my　servants。　And　I　know　that　this　attitude　to　people　has　had　a　good　influence　on　all　who　have　chanced　to　c　ome　into　contact　with　me。　But　now　I　am　not　a　king。　Something　is　happening　to　me　that　is　only　excusable　in　a　slave；　day　and　night　my　brain　is　haunted　by　evil　thoughts；　and　feelings　such　as　I　never　knew　before　are　brooding　in　my　soul。　I　am　full　of　hatred；　and　contempt；　and　indignation；　and　loathing；　and　dread。　I　have　become　excessively　severe；　exacting；　irritable；　ungracious；　suspicious。　Even　things　that　in　old　days　would　have　provoked　me　only　to　an　unnecessary　jest　and　a　good…natured　laugh　now　arouse　an　oppressive　feeling　in　me。　My　reasoning；　too；　has　undergone　a　change：　in　old　days　I　despised　money；　now　I　harbour　an　evil　feeling；　not　towards　money；　but　towards　the　rich　as　though　they　were　to　blame：　in　old　days　I　hated　violence　and　tyranny；　but　now　I　hate　the　men　who　make　use　of　violence；　as　though　they　were　alone　to　blame；　and