the wife and other stories-第5部分

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。　What　I　think　is　that　if　our　mistress　does　take　trouble　for　the　salvation　of　her　soul；　she　will　soon　collect　a　lot。　There　are　plenty　of　rich　people　here。〃

Dismissing　Alexey；　I　put　out　the　light　and　drew　the　bedclothes　over　my　head。

〃After　all；　why　am　I　so　troubled？〃　I　thought。　〃What　force　draws　me　to　the　starving　peasants　like　a　butterfly　to　a　flame？　I　don't　know　them；　I　don't　understand　them；　I　have　never　seen　them　and　I　don't　like　them。　Why　this　uneasiness？〃

I　suddenly　crossed　myself　under　the　quilt。

〃But　what　a　woman　she　is！〃　I　said　to　myself；　thinking　of　my　wife。　〃There's　a　regular　committee　held　in　the　house　without　my　knowing。　Why　this　secrecy？　Why　this　conspiracy？　What　have　I　done　to　them？　Ivan　Ivanitch　is　right　　I　must　go　away。〃

Next　morning　I　woke　up　firmly　resolved　to　go　away。　The　events　of　the　previous　day　　the　conversation　at　tea；　my　wife；　Sobol；　the　supper；　my　apprehensions　　worried　me；　and　I　felt　glad　to　think　of　getting　away　from　the　surroundings　which　reminded　me　of　all　that。　While　I　was　drinking　my　coffee　the　bailiff　gave　me　a　long　report　on　various　matters。　The　most　agreeable　item　he　saved　for　the　last。

〃The　thieves　who　stole　our　rye　have　been　found；〃　he　announced　with　a　smile。　〃The　magistrate　arrested　three　peasants　at　Pestrovo　yesterday。〃

〃Go　away！〃　I　shouted　at　him；　and　a　propos　of　nothing；　I　picked　up　the　cake…basket　and　flung　it　on　the　floor。

IV

After　lunch　I　rubbed　my　hands；　and　thought　I　must　go　to　my　wife　and　tell　her　that　I　was　going　away。　Why？　Who　cared？　Nobody　cares；　I　answered；　but　why　shouldn't　I　tell　her；　especially　as　it　would　give　her　nothing　but　pleasure？　Besides；　to　go　away　after　our　yesterday's　quarrel　without　saying　a　word　would　not　be　quite　tactful：　she　might　think　that　I　was　frightened　of　her；　and　perhaps　the　thought　that　she　has　driven　me　out　of　my　house　may　weigh　upon　her。　It　would　be　just　as　well；　too；　to　tell　her　that　I　subscribe　five　thousand；　and　to　give　her　some　advice　about　the　organization；　and　to　warn　her　that　her　inexperience　in　such　a　complicated　and　responsible　matter　might　lead　to　most　lamentable　results。　In　short；　I　wanted　to　see　my　wife；　and　while　I　thought　of　various　pretexts　for　going　to　her；　I　had　a　firm　conviction　in　my　heart　that　I　should　do　so。

It　was　still　light　when　I　went　in　to　her；　and　the　lamps　had　not　yet　been　lighted。　She　was　sitting　in　her　study；　which　led　from　the　drawing…room　to　her　bedroom；　and；　bending　low　over　the　table；　was　writing　something　quickly。　Seeing　me；　she　started；　got　up　from　the　table；　and　remained　standing　in　an　attitude　such　as　to　screen　her　papers　from　me。

〃I　beg　your　pardon；　I　have　only　come　for　a　minute；〃　I　said；　and；　I　don't　know　why；　I　was　overcome　with　embarrassment。　〃I　have　learnt　by　chance　that　you　are　organizing　relief　for　the　famine；　Natalie。〃

〃Yes；　I　am。　But　that's　my　business；〃　she　answered。

〃Yes；　it　is　your　business；〃　I　said　softly。　〃I　am　glad　of　it；　for　it　just　fits　in　with　my　intentions。　I　beg　your　permission　to　take　part　in　it。〃

〃Forgive　me；　I　cannot　let　you　do　it；〃　she　said　in　response；　and　looked　away。

〃Why　not；　Natalie？〃　I　said　quietly。　〃Why　not？　I；　too；　am　well　fed　and　I；　too；　want　to　help　the　hungry。〃

〃I　don't　know　what　it　has　to　do　with　you；〃　she　said　with　a　contemptuous　smile；　shrugging　her　shoulders。　〃Nobody　asks　you。〃

〃Nobody　asks　you；　either；　and　yet　you　have　got　up　a　regular　committee　in　_my_　house；〃　I　said。

〃I　am　asked；　but　you　can　have　my　word　for　it　no　one　will　ever　ask　you。　Go　and　help　where　you　are　not　known。〃

〃For　God's　sake；　don't　talk　to　me　in　that　tone。〃　I　tried　to　be　mild；　and　besought　myself　most　earnestly　not　to　lose　my　temper。　For　the　first　few　minutes　I　felt　glad　to　be　with　my　wife。　I　felt　an　atmosphere　of　youth；　of　home；　of　feminine　softness；　of　the　most　refined　elegance　　exactly　what　was　lacking　on　my　floor　and　in　my　life　altogether。　My　wife　was　wearing　a　pink　flannel　dressing…gown；　it　made　her　look　much　younger；　and　gave　a　softness　to　her　rapid　and　sometimes　abrupt　movements。　Her　beautiful　dark　hair；　the　mere　sight　of　which　at　one　time　stirred　me　to　passion；　had　from　sitting　so　long　with　her　head　bent　c　ome　loose　from　the　comb　and　was　untidy；　but；　to　my　eyes；　that　only　made　it　look　more　rich　and　luxuriant。　All　this；　though　is　banal　to　the　point　of　vulgarity。　Before　me　stood　an　ordinary　woman；　perhaps　neither　beautiful　nor　elegant；　but　this　was　my　wife　with　whom　I　had　once　lived；　and　with　whom　I　should　have　been　living　to　this　day　if　it　had　not　been　for　her　unfortunate　character；　she　was　the　one　human　being　on　the　terrestrial　globe　whom　I　loved。　At　this　moment；　just　before　going　away；　when　I　knew　that　I　should　no　longer　see　her　even　through　the　window；　she　seemed　to　me　fascinating　even　as　she　was；　cold　and　forbidding；　answering　me　with　a　proud　and　contemptuous　mockery。　I　was　proud　of　her；　and　confessed　to　myself　that　to　go　away　from　her　was　terrible　and　impossible。

〃Pavel　Andreitch；〃　she　said　after　a　brief　silence；　〃for　two　years　we　have　not　interfered　with　each　other　but　have　lived　quietly。　Why　do　you　suddenly　feel　it　necessary　to　go　back　to　the　past？　Yesterday　you　came　to　insult　and　humiliate　me；〃　she　went　on；　raising　her　voice；　and　her　face　flushed　and　her　eyes　flamed　with　hatred；　〃but　restrain　yourself；　do　not　do　it；　Pavel　Andreitch！　Tomorrow　I　will　send　in　a　petition　and　they　will　give　me　a　passport；　and　I　will　go　away；　I　will　go！　I　will　go！　I'll　go　into　a　convent；　into　a　widows'　home；　into　an　almshouse。　。　。　。〃

〃Into　a　lunatic　asylum！〃　I　cried；　not　able　to　restrain　myself。

〃Well；　even　into　a　lunatic　asylum！　That　would　be　better；　that　would　be　better；〃　she　cried；　with　flashing　eyes。　〃When　I　was　in　Pestrovo　today　I　envied　the　sick　and　starving　peasant　women　because　they　are　not　living　with　a　man　like　you。　They　are　free　and　honest；　while；　thanks　to　you；　I　am　a　parasite；　I　am　perishing　in　idleness；　I　eat　your　bread；　I　spend　your　money；　and　I　repay　you　with　my　liberty　and　a　fidelity　which　is　of　no　use　to　any　one。　Because　you　won't　give　me　a　passport；　I　must　respect　your　good　name；　though　it　doesn't　exist。〃

I　had　to　keep　silent。　Clenching　my　teeth；　I　walked　quickly　into　the　drawing…room；　but　turned　back　at　once　and　said：

〃I　beg　you　earnestly　that　there　should　be　no　more　assemblies；　plots；　and　meetings　of　conspirators　in　my　house！　I　only　admit　to　my　house　those　with　whom　I　am　acquainted；　and　let　all　your　crew　find　another　place　to　do　it　if　they　want　to　take　up　philanthropy。　I　can't　allow　people　at　midnight　in　my　house　to　be　shouting　hurrah　at　successfully　exploiting　an　hysterical　woman　like　you！〃

My　wife；　pale　and　wringing　her　hands；　took　a　rapid　stride　across　the　room；　uttering　a　prolonged　moan　as　though　she　had　toothache。　With　a　wave　of　my　hand；　I　went　into　the　drawing…room。　I　was　choking　with　rage；　and　at　the　same　time　I　was　trembling　with　terror　that　I　might　not　restrain　myself；　and　that　I　might　say　or　do　something　which　I　might　regret　all　my　life。　And　I　clenched　my　hands　tight；　hoping　to　hold　myself　in。

After　drinking　some　water　and　recovering　my　calm　a　little；　I　went　back　to　my　wife。　She　was　standing　in　the　same　attitude　as　before；　as　though　barring　my　approach　to　the　table　with　the　papers。　Tears　were　slowly　trickling　down　her　pale；　cold　face。　I　paused　then　and　said　to　her　bitterly　but　without　anger：

〃How　you　misunderstand　me！　How　unjust　you　are　to　me！　I　swear　upon　my　honour　I　came　to　you　with　the　best　of　motives；　with　nothing　but　the　desire　to　do　good！〃

〃Pavel　Andreitch！〃　she　said；　clasping　her　hands　on　her　bosom；　and　her　face　took　on　the　agonized；　imploring　expression　with　which　frightened；　weeping　children　beg　not　to　be　punished；　〃I　know　perfectly　well　that　you　will　refuse　me；　but　still　I　beg　you。　Force　yourself　to　do　one　kind　action　in　your　life。　I　entreat　you；　go　away　from　here！　That's　the　only　thing　you　can　do　for　the　starving　peasants。　Go　away；　and　I　will　forgive　you　everything；　everything！〃

〃There　is　no　need　for　you　to　insult　me；　Natalie；〃　I　sighed；　feeling　a　sudden　rush　of　humility。　〃I　had　already　made　up　my　mind　to　go　away；　but　I　won't　go　until　I　have　done　something　for　the　peasants。　It's　my　duty！〃

〃Ach！〃　she　said　softly　with　an　impatient　frown。　〃You　can　make　an　excellent　bridge　or　railway；　but　you　can　do　nothing　for　the　starving　peasants。　Do　understand！〃

〃Indeed？　Yesterday　you　reproached　me　with　indifference　and　with　being　devoid　of　the　feeling　of　compassion。　How　well　you　know　me！〃　I　laughed。　〃You　believe　in　God　　well；　God　is　my　witness　that　I　am　worried　day　and　night。　。　。　。〃

〃I　see　that　you　are　worried；　but　the　famine　and　compassion　have　nothing　to　do　with　it。　You　are　worried　because　the　starving　peasants　can　get　on　without　you；　and　because　the　Zemstvo；　and　in　fact　every　one　who　is　helping　them；　does　not　need　your　guidance。〃

I　was　silent；　trying　to　suppress　my　irritation。　Then　I　said：

〃I　came　to　speak　to　you　on　business。　Sit　down。　Please　sit　down。〃

She　did　not　sit　down。

〃I　beg　you　to　sit　down；〃　I　repeated；　and　I　motioned　her　to　a　chair。

She　sat　down。　I　sat　down；　too；　thought　a　little；　and　said：

〃I　beg　you　to　consider　earnestly　what　I　am　saying。　Listen。　。　。　。　Moved　by　love　for　your　fellow…creatures；　you　have　undertaken　the　organization　of　famine　relief。　I　have　nothing　against　that；