the history of john bull-第4部分

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ions　she　ran　out　extravagantly　on　the　praise　of　Hocus。　　When　John　used　to　be　finding　fault　with　his　bills；　she　used　to　reproach　him　as　ungrateful　to　his　greatest　benefactor；　one　that　had　taken　so　much　pains　in　his　lawsuit；　and　retrieved　his　family　from　the　oppression　of　old　Lewis　Baboon。　　A　good　swinging　sum　of　John's　readiest　cash　went　towards　building　of　Hocus's　country　house。**　　This　affair　between　Hocus　and　Mrs。　Bull　was　now　so　open；　that　all　the　world　was　scandalised　at　it；　John　was　not　so　clod…pated；　but　at　last　he　took　the　hint。　　The　parson　of　the　parish　preaching　one　day　with　more　zeal　than　sense　against　adultery；　Mrs。　Bull　told　her　husband　that　he　was　a　very　uncivil　fellow　to　use　such　coarse　language　before　people　of　condition；***　that　Hocus　was　of　the　same　mind；　and　that　they　would　join　to　have　him　turned　out　of　his　living　for　using　personal　reflections。　　How　do　you　mean；　says　John；　by　personal　reflections？　　I　hope　in　God；　wife；　he　did　not　reflect　upon　you？　　〃No；　thank　God；　my　reputation　is　too　well　established　in　the　world　to　receive　any　hurt　from　such　a　foul…mouthed　scoundrel　as　he；　his　doctrine　tends　only　to　make　husbands　tyrants；　and　wives　slaves；　must　we　be　shut　up；　and　husbands　left　to　their　liberty？　Very　pretty　indeed！　a　wife　must　never　go　abroad　with　a　Platonic　to　see　a　play　or　a　ball；　she　must　never　stir　without　her　husband；　nor　walk　in　Spring　Garden　with　a　cousin。　　I　do　say；　husband；　and　I　will　stand　by　it；　that　without　the　innocent　freedoms　of　life；　matrimony　would　be　a　most　intolerable　state；　and　that　a　wife's　virtue　ought　to　be　the　result　of　her　own　reason；　and　not　of　her　husband's　government：　　for　my　part；　I　would　scorn　a　husband　that　would　be　jealous；　if　he　saw　a　fellow　with　me。〃　　All　this　while　John's　blood　boiled　in　his　veins：　　he　was　now　confirmed　in　all　his　suspicions；　the　hardest　names；　were　the　best　words　that　John　gave　her。　　Things　went　from　better　to　worse；　till　Mrs。　Bull　aimed　a　knife　at　John；　though　John　threw　a　bottle　at　her　head　very　brutally　indeed：　　and　after　this　there　was　nothing　but　confusion；　bottles；　glasses；　spoons；　plates；　knives；　forks；　and　dishes；　flew　about　like　dust；　the　result　of　which　was；　that　Mrs。　Bull　received　a　bruise　in　her　right　side　of　which　she　died　half　a　year　after。　　The　bruise　imposthumated；　and　afterwards　turned　to　a　stinking　ulcer；　which　made　everybody　shy　to　come　near　her；　yet　she　wanted　not　the　help　of　many　able　physicians；　who　attended　very　diligently；　and　did　what　men　of　skill　could　do；　but　all　to　no　purpose；　for　her　condition　was　now　quite　desperate；　all　regular　physicians　and　her　nearest　relations　having　given　her　over。****

*　The　opinion　at　that　time　of　the　General's　tampering　with　the　Parliament。　**　Blenheim　Palace。　***　The　story　of　Dr。　Sacheverel；　and　the　resentment　of　the　House　of　Commons。　****　The　opinion　of　the　Tories　about　that　House　of　Commons。



CHAPTER　IX。　　How　some　Quacks　undertook　to　cure　Mrs。　Bull　of　her　ulcer。*

There　is　nothing　so　impossible　in　Nature　but　mountebanks　will　undertake；　nothing　so　incredible　but　they　will　affirm：　　Mrs。　Bull's　condition　was　looked　upon　as　desperate　by　all　the　men　of　art；　but　there　were　those　that　bragged　they　had　an　infallible　ointment　and　plaister；　which　being　applied　to　the　sore；　would　cure　it　in　a　few　days；　at　the　same　time　they　would　give　her　a　pill　that　would　purge　off　all　her　bad　humours；　sweeten　her　blood；　and　rectify　her　disturbed　imagination。　　In　spite　of　all　applications　the　patient　grew　worse　every　day；　she　stunk　so；　nobody　durst　come　within　a　stone's　throw　of　her；　except　those　quacks　who　attended　her　close；　and　apprehended　no　danger。　　If　one　asked　them　how　Mrs。　Bull　did？　Better　and　better；　said　they；　the　parts　heal；　and　her　constitution　mends：　　if　she　submits　to　our　government　she　will　be　abroad　in　a　little　time。　　Nay；　it　is　reported　that　they　wrote　to　her　friends　in　the　country　that　she　should　dance　a　jig　next　October　in　Westminster　Hall；　and　that　her　illness　had　been　chiefly　owing　to　bad　physicians。　At　last；　one　of　them　was　sent　for　in　great　haste；　his　patient　grew　worse　and　worse：　　when　he　came；　he　affirmed　that　it　was　a　gross　mistake；　and　that　she　was　never　in　a　fairer　way。　　Bring　hither　the　salve；　says　he；　and　give　her　a　plentiful　draught　of　my　cordial。　　As　he　was　applying　his　ointments；　and　administering　the　cordial；　the　patient　gave　up　the　ghost；　to　the　great　confusion　of　the　quack；　and　the　great　joy　of　Bull　and　his　friends。　　The　quack　flung　away　out　of　the　house　in　great　disorder；　and　swore　there　was　foul　play；　for　he　was　sure　his　medicines　were　infallible。　　Mrs。　Bull　having　died　without　any　signs　of　repentance　or　devotion；　the　clergy　would　hardly　allow　her　a　Christian　burial。　　The　relations　had　once　resolved　to　sue　John　for　the　murder；　but　considering　better　of　it；　and　that　such　a　trial　would　rip　up　old　sores；　and　discover　things　not　so　much　to　the　reputation　of　the　deceased；　they　dropped　their　design。　　She　left　no　will；　only　there　was　found　in　her　strong　box　the　following　words　written　on　a　scrip　of　paper〃My　curse　on　John　Bull；　and　all　my　posterity；　if　ever　they　come　to　any　composition　with　the　Lord　Strutt。〃

She　left　him　three　daughters；　whose　names　were　Polemia；　Discordia；　and　Usuria。**

*　Endeavours　and　hopes　of　some　people　to　hinder　the　dissolution　of　that　Parliament。　**　War；　faction；　and　usury。



CHAPTER　X。　　Of　John　Bull's　second　Wife；　and　the　good　Advice　that　she　gave　him。*

John　quickly　got　the　better　of　his　grief；　and；　seeing　that　neither　his　constitution　nor　the　affairs　of　his　family；　could　permit　him　to　live　in　an　unmarried　state；　he　resolved　to　get　him　another　wife；　a　cousin　of　his　last　wife's　was　proposed；　but　John　would　have　no　more　of　the　breed。　　In　short；　he　wedded　a　sober　country　gentlewoman；　of　a　good　family　and　a　plentiful　fortune；　the　reverse　of　the　other　in　her　temper；　not　but　that　she　loved　money；　for　she　was　saving；　and　applied　her　fortune　to　pay　John's　clamorous　debts；　that　the　unfrugal　method　of　his　last　wife；　and　this　ruinous　lawsuit；　had　brought　him　into。　　One　day；　as　she　had　got　her　husband　in　a　good　humour；　she　talked　to　him　after　the　following　manner：〃My　dear；　since　I　have　been　your　wife；　I　have　observed　great　abuses　and　disorders　in　your　family：　　your　servants　are　mutinous　and　quarrelsome；　and　cheat　you　most　abominably；　your　cookmaid　is　in　a　combination　with　your　butcher；　poulterer；　and　fishmonger；　your　butler　purloins　your　liquor；　and　the　brewer　sells　you　hogwash；　your　baker　cheats　both　in　weight　and　in　tale；　even　your　milkwoman　and　your　nursery…maid　have　a　fellow　feeling；　your　tailor；　instead　of　shreds；　cabbages　whole　yards　of　cloth；　besides；　leaving　such　long　scores；　and　not　going　to　market　with　ready　money　forces　us　to　take　bad　ware　of　the　tradesmen　at　their　own　price。　　You　have　not　posted　your　books　these　ten　years。　How　is　it　possible　for　a　man　of　business　to　keep　his　affairs　even　in　the　world　at　this　rate？　　Pray　God　this　Hocus　be　honest；　would　to　God　you　would　look　over　his　bills；　and　see　how　matters　stand　between　Frog　and　you。　　Prodigious　sums　are　spent　in　this　lawsuit；　and　more　must　be　borrowed　of　scriveners　and　usurers　at　heavy　interest。　Besides；　my　dear；　let　me　beg　of　you　to　lay　aside　that　wild　project　of　leaving　your　business　to　turn　lawyer；　for　which；　let　me　tell　you；　Nature　never　designed　you。　　Believe　me；　these　rogues　do　but　flatter；　that　they　may　pick　your　pocket；　observe　what　a　parcel　of　hungry　ragged　fellows　live　by　your　cause；　to　be　sure　they　will　never　make　an　end　of　it。　　I　foresee　this　haunt　you　have　got　about　the　courts　will　one　day　or　another　bring　your　family　to　beggary。　　Consider；　my　dear；　how　indecent　it　is　to　abandon　your　shop　and　follow　pettifoggers；　the　habit　is　so　strong　upon　you；　that　there　is　hardly　a　plea　between　two　country　esquires；　about　a　barren　acre　upon　a　common；　but　you　draw　yourself　in　as　bail；　surety；　or　solicitor。〃　John　heard　her　all　this　while　with　patience；　till　she　pricked　his　maggot；　and　touched　him　in　the　tender　point。　　Then　he　broke　out　into　a　violent　passion：　　〃What；　I　not　fit　for　a　lawyer？　let　me　tell　you；　my　clod…pated　relations　spoiled　the　greatest　genius　in　the　world　when　they　bred　me　a　mechanic。　　Lord　Strutt；　and　his　old　rogue　of　a　grandsire；　have　found　to　their　cost　that　I　can　manage　a　lawsuit　as　well　as　another。〃　　〃I　don't　deny　what　you　say；〃　replied　Mrs。　Bull；　〃nor　do　I　call　in　question　your　parts；　but；　I　say；　it　does　not　suit　with　your　circumstances；　you　and　your　predecessors　have　lived　in　good　reputation　among　your　neighbours　by　this　same　clothing…trade；　and　it　were　madness　to　leave　it　off。　　Besides；　there　are　few　that　know　all　the　tricks　and　cheats　of　these　lawyers。　　Does　not　your　own　experience　teach　you　how　they　have　drawn　you　on　from　one　term　to　another；　and　how　you　have　danced　the　round　of　all　the　courts；　still　flattering　you　with　a　final　issue；　and；　for　aught　I　can　see；　your　cause　is　not　a　bit　clearer　than　it　was　seven　years　ago。〃　　〃I　will　be　hanged；〃　says　John；　〃if　I　accept　of　any　composition　from　Strutt　or　his　grandfather；　I'll　rather　wheel　about　the　streets　an　engine　to　grind　knives　and　scissors。　　However；　I'll　take　your　advice；　and　look　over　my　accounts。〃

*　A　new　Parliament：　　the　aversion　of　a　Tory　House　of　Commons　to　war。



CHAPTER　XI。　　How　John　looked　over　his　Attorney's　Bill。*