the lily of the valley-第21部分

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brought　with　it　hours　of　delightful　languor；　moments　of　divine

sweetness　and　content　which　followed　by　secret　immolation。　Her

conscience　was；　if　I　may　call　it　so；　contagious；　her　self…devotion

without　earthly　recompense　awed　me　by　its　persistence；　the　living；

inward　piety　which　was　the　bond　of　her　other　virtues　filled　the　air

about　her　with　spiritual　incense。　Besides；　I　was　young；young　enough

to　concentrate　my　whole　being　on　the　kiss　she　allowed　me　too　seldom　to

lay　upon　her　hand；　of　which　she　gave　me　only　the　back；　and　never　the

palm；　as　though　she　drew　the　line　of　sensual　emotions　there。　No　two

souls　ever　clasped　each　other　with　so　much　ardor；　no　bodies　were　ever

more　victoriously　annihilated。　Later　I　understood　the　cause　of　this

sufficing　joy。　At　my　age　no　worldly　interests　distracted　my　heart；　no

ambitions　blocked　the　stream　of　a　love　which　flowed　like　a　torrent；

bearing　all　things　on　its　bosom。　Later；　we　love　the　woman　in　a　woman；

but　the　first　woman　we　love　is　the　whole　of　womanhood；　her　children

are　ours；　her　interests　are　our　interests；　her　sorrows　our　greatest

sorrow；　we　love　her　gown；　the　familiar　things　about　her；　we　are　more

grieved　by　a　trifling　loss　of　hers　than　if　we　knew　we　had　lost

everything。　This　is　the　sacred　love　that　makes　us　live　in　the　being　of

another；　whereas　later；　alas！　we　draw　another　life　into　ours；　and

require　a　woman　to　enrich　our　pauper　spirit　with　her　young　soul。



I　was　now　one　of　the　household；　and　I　knew　for　the　first　time　an

infinite　sweetness；　which　to　a　nature　bruised　as　mine　was　like　a　bath

to　a　weary　body；　the　soul　is　refreshed　in　every　fibre；　comforted　to

its　very　depths。　You　will　hardly　understand　me；　for　you　are　a　woman；

and　I　am　speaking　now　of　a　happiness　women　give　but　do　not　receive。　A

man　alone　knows　the　choice　happiness　of　being；　in　the　midst　of　a

strange　household；　the　privileged　friend　of　its　mistress；　the　secret

centre　of　her　affections。　No　dog　barks　at　you；　the　servants；　like　the

dogs；　recognize　your　rights；　the　children　（who　are　never　misled；　and

know　that　their　power　cannot　be　lessened；　and　that　you　cherish　the

light　of　their　life）；　the　children　possess　the　gift　of　divination；

they　play　with　you　like　kittens　and　assume　the　friendly　tyranny　they

show　only　to　those　they　love；　they　are　full　of　intelligent　discretion

and　come　and　go　on　tiptoe　without　noise。　Every　one　hastens　to　do　you

service；　all　like　you；　and　smile　upon　you。　True　passions　are　like

beautiful　flowers　all　the　more　charming　to　the　eye　when　they　grow　in　a

barren　soil。



But　if　I　enjoyed　the　delightful　benefits　of　naturalization　in　a　family

where　I　found　relations　after　my　own　heart；　I　had　also　to　pay　some

costs　for　it。　Until　then　Monsieur　de　Mortsauf　had　more　or　less

restrained　himself　before　me。　I　had　only　seen　his　failings　in　the

mass；　I　was　now　to　see　the　full　extent　of　their　application　and

discover　how　nobly　charitable　the　countess　had　been　in　the　account　she

had　given　me　of　these　daily　struggles。　I　learned　now　all　the　angles　of

her　husband's　intolerable　nature；　I　heard　his　perpetual　scolding　about

nothing；　complaints　of　evils　of　which　not　a　sign　existed；　I　saw　the

inward　dissatisfaction　which　poisoned　his　life；　and　the　incessant　need

of　his　tyrannical　spirit　for　new　victims。　When　we　went　to　walk　in　the

evenings　he　selected　the　way；　but　whichever　direction　we　took　he　was

always　bored；　when　we　reached　home　he　blamed　others；　his　wife　had

insisted　on　going　where　she　wanted；　why　was　he　governed　by　her　in　all

the　trifling　things　of　life？　was　he　to　have　no　will；　no　thought　of　his

own？　must　he　consent　to　be　a　cipher　in　his　own　house？　If　his　harshness

was　to　be　received　in　patient　silence　he　was　angry　because　he　felt　a

limit　to　his　power；　he　asked　sharply　if　religion　did　not　require　a

wife　to　please　her　husband；　and　whether　it　was　proper　to　despise　the

father　of　her　children？　He　always　ended　by　touching　some　sensitive

chord　in　his　wife's　mind；　and　he　seemed　to　find　a　domineering　pleasure

in　making　it　sound。　Sometimes　he　tried　gloomy　silence　and　a　morbid

depression；　which　always　alarmed　his　wife　and　made　her　pay　him　the

most　tender　attentions。　Like　petted　children；　who　exercise　their　power

without　thinking　of　the　distress　of　their　mother；　he　would　let　her

wait　upon　him　as　upon　Jacques　and　Madeleine；　of　whom　he　was　jealous。



I　discovered　at　last　that　in　small　things　as　well　as　in　great　ones　the

count　acted　towards　his　servants；　his　children；　his　wife；　precisely　as

he　had　acted　to　me　about　the　backgammon。　The　day　when　I　understood；

root　and　branch；　these　difficulties；　which　like　a　rampant　overgrowth

repressed　the　actions　and　stifled　the　breathing　of　the　whole　family；

hindered　the　management　of　the　household　and　retarded　the　improvement

of　the　estate　by　complicating　the　most　necessary　acts；　I　felt　an

admiring　awe　which　rose　higher　than　my　love　and　drove　it　back　into　my

heart。　Good　God！　what　was　I？　Those　tears　that　I　had　taken　on　my　lips

solemnized　my　spirit；　I　found　happiness　in　wedding　the　sufferings　of

that　woman。　Hitherto　I　had　yielded　to　the　count's　despotism　as　the

smuggler　pays　his　fine；　henceforth　I　was　a　voluntary　victim　that　I

might　come　the　nearer　to　her。　The　countess　understood　me；　allowed　me　a

place　beside　her；　and　gave　me　permission　to　share　her　sorrows；　like

the　repentant　apostate；　eager　to　rise　to　heaven　with　his　brethren；　I

obtained　the　favor　of　dying　in　the　arena。



〃Were　it　not　for　you　I　must　have　succumbed　under　this　life；〃　Henriette

said　to　me　one　evening　when　the　count　had　been；　like　the　flies　on　a

hot　day；　more　stinging；　venomous；　and　persistent　than　usual。



He　had　gone　to　bed。　Henriette　and　I　remained　under　the　acacias；　the

children　were　playing　about　us；　bathed　in　the　setting　sun。　Our　few

exclamatory　words　revealed　the　mutuality　of　the　thoughts　in　which　we

rested　from　our　common　sufferings。　When　language　failed　silence　as

faithfully　served　our　souls；　which　seemed　to　enter　one　another　without

hindrance；　together　they　luxuriated　in　the　charms　of　pensive　languor；

they　met　in　the　undulations　of　the　same　dream；　they　plunged　as　one

into　the　river　and　came　out　refreshed　like　two　nymphs　as　closely

united　as　their　souls　could　wish；　but　with　no　earthly　tie　to　bind

them。　We　entered　the　unfathomable　gulf；　we　returned　to　the　surface

with　empty　hands；　asking　each　other　by　a　look；　〃Among　all　our　days　on

earth　will　there　be　one　for　us？〃



In　spite　of　the　tranquil　poetry　of　evening　which　gave　to　the　bricks　of

the　balustrade　their　orange　tones；　so　soothing　and　so　pure；　in　spite

of　the　religious　atmosphere　of　the　hour；　which　softened　the　voices　of

the　children　and　wafted　them　towards　us；　desire　crept　through　my　veins

like　the　match　to　the　bonfire。　After　three　months　of　repression　I　was

unable　to　content　myself　with　the　fate　assigned　me。　I　took　Henriette's

hand　and　softly　caressed　it；　trying　to　convey　to　her　the　ardor　that

invaded　me。　She　became　at　once　Madame　de　Mortsauf；　and　withdrew　her

hand；　tears　rolled　from　my　eyes；　she　saw　them　and　gave　me　a　chilling

look；　as　she　offered　her　hand　to　my　lips。



〃You　must　know；〃　she　said；　〃that　this　will　cause　me　grief。　A

friendship　that　asks　so　great　a　favor　is　dangerous。〃



Then　I　lost　my　self…control；　I　reproached　her；　I　spoke　of　my

sufferings；　and　the　slight　alleviation　that　I　asked　for　them。　I　dared

to　tell　her　that　at　my　age；　if　the　senses　were　all　soul　still　the　soul

had　a　sex；　that　I　could　meet　death；　but　not　with　closed　lips。　She

forced　me　to　silence　with　her　proud　glance；　in　which　I　seemed　to　read

the　cry　of　the　Mexican：　〃And　I；　am　I　on　a　bed　of　roses？〃　Ever　since


that　day　by　the　gate　of　Frapesle；　when　I　attributed　to　her　the　hope

that　our　happiness　might　spring　from　a　grave；　I　had　turned　with　shame

from　the　thought　of　staining　her　soul　with　the　desires　of　a　brutal

passion。　She　now　spoke　with　honeyed　lip；　and　told　me　that　she　never

could　be　wholly　mine；　and　that　I　ought　to　know　it。　As　she　said　the

words　I　know　that　in　obeying　her　I　dug　an　abyss　between　us。　I　bowed　my

head。　She　went　on；　saying　she　had　an　inward　religious　certainty　that

she　might　love　me　as　a　brother　without　offending　God　or　man；　such　love

was　a　living　image　of　the　divine　love；　which　her　good　Saint…Martin

told　her　was　the　life　of　the　world。　If　I　could　not　be　to　her　somewhat

as　her　old　confessor　was；　less　than　a　lover　yet　more　than　a　brother；　I

must　never　see　her　again。　She　could　die　and　take　to　God　her　sheaf　of

sufferings；　borne　not　without　tears　and　anguish。



〃I　gave　you；〃　she　said　in　conclusion；　〃more　than　I　ought　to　have

given；　so　that　nothing　might　be　left　to　take；　and　I　am　punished。〃



I　was　forced　to　calm　her；　to　promise　never　to　cause　her　pain；　and　to

love　her　at　twenty…one　years　of　age　as　old　men　love　their　youngest

child。



The　next　day　I　went　early。　There　were　no　flowers　in　the　vases　of　her

gray　salon。　I　rushed　into　the　fields　and　vineyards　to　make　her　two

bouquets；　but　as　I　gathered