memoirs of carwin the biloquist-第14部分

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rue　difficulty　in　the　way　of　these　confessions　was　the　not　having　made　them　already。　　Ludlow　had　long　been　entitled　to　this　confidence；　and；　though　the　existence　of　this　power　was　venial　or　wholly　innocent；　the　obstinate　concealment　of　it　was　a　different　matter；　and　would　certainly　expose　me　to　suspicion　and　rebuke。　　But　what　was　the　alternative？　　To　conceal　it。　　To　incur　those　dreadful　punishments　awarded　against　treason　in　this　particular。　　Ludlow's　menaces　still　rung　in　my　ears；　and　appalled　my　heart。　　How　should　I　be　able　to　shun　them？　　By　concealing　from　every　one　what　I　concealed　from　him？　　How　was　my　concealment　of　such　a　faculty　to　be　suspected　or　proved？　　Unless　I　betrayed　myself；　who　could　betray　me？

In　this　state　of　mind；　I　resolved　to　confess　myself　to　Ludlow　in　the　way　that　he　required；　reserving　only　the　secret　of　this　faculty。　　Awful；　indeed；　said　I；　is　the　crisis　of　my　fate。　　If　Ludlow's　declarations　are　true；　a　horrid　catastrophe　awaits　me：　but　as　fast　as　my　resolutions　were　shaken；　they　were　confirmed　anew　by　the　recollectionWho　can　betray　me　but　myself？　　If　I　deny；　who　is　there　can　prove？　　Suspicion　can　never　light　upon　the　truth。　　If　it　does；　it　can　never　be　converted　into　certainty。　　Even　my　own　lips　cannot　confirm　it；　since　who　will　believe　my　testimony？

By　such　illusions　was　I　fortified　in　my　desperate　resolution。　Ludlow　returned　at　the　time　appointed。　　He　informed　me　that　Mrs。　Benington　expected　me　next　morning。　　She　was　ready　to　depart　for　her　country　residence；　where　she　proposed　to　spend　the　ensuing　summer；　and　would　carry　me　along　with　her。　　In　consequence　of　this　arrangement；　he　said；　many　months　would　elapse　before　he　should　see　me　again。　　You　will　indeed；　continued　he；　be　pretty　much　shut　up　from　all　society。　　Your　books　and　your　new　friend　will　be　your　chief；　if　not　only　companions。　　Her　life　is　not　a　social　one；　because　she　has　formed　extravagant　notions　of　the　importance　of　lonely　worship　and　devout　solitude。　　Much　of　her　time　will　be　spent　in　meditation　upon　pious　books　in　her　closet。　　Some　of　it　in　long　solitary　rides　in　her　coach；　for　the　sake　of　exercise。　　Little　will　remain　for　eating　and　sleeping；　so　that　unless　you　can　prevail　upon　her　to　violate　her　ordinary　rules　for　your　sake；　you　will　be　left　pretty　much　to　yourself。　　You　will　have　the　more　time　to　reflect　upon　what　has　hitherto　been　the　theme　of　our　conversations。　　You　can　come　to　town　when　you　want　to　see　me。　　I　shall　generally　be　found　in　these　apartments。

In　the　present　state　of　my　mind；　though　impatient　to　see　Mrs。　Benington；　I　was　still　more　impatient　to　remove　the　veil　between　Ludlow　and　myself。　　After　some　pause；　I　ventured　to　enquire　if　there　was　any　impediment　to　my　advancement　in　the　road　he　had　already　pointed　out　to　my　curiosity　and　ambition。

He　replied；　with　great　solemnity；　that　I　was　already　acquainted　with　the　next　step　to　be　taken　in　this　road。　　If　I　was　prepared　to　make　him　my　confessor；　as　to　the　past；　the　present；　and　the　future；　~~without　exception　or　condition~~；　but　what　arose　from　defect　of　memory；　he　was　willing　to　receive　my　confession。

I　declared　myself　ready　to　do　so。

I　need　not；　he　returned；　remind　you　of　the　consequences　of　concealment　or　deceit。　　I　have　already　dwelt　upon　these　consequences。　　As　to　the　past；　you　have　already　told　me；　perhaps；　all　that　is　of　any　moment　to　know。　　It　is　in　relation　to　the　future　that　caution　will　be　chiefly　necessary。　　Hitherto　your　actions　have　been　nearly　indifferent　to　the　ends　of　your　future　existence。　Confessions　of　the　past　are　required；　because　they　are　an　earnest　of　the　future　character　and　conduct。　　Have　you　thenbut　this　is　too　abrupt。　　Take　an　hour　to　reflect　and　deliberate。　　Go　by　yourself；　take　yourself　to　severe　task；　and　make　up　your　mind　with　a　full；　entire；　and　unfailing　resolution；　for　the　moment　in　which　you　assume　this　new　obligation　will　make　you　a　new　being。　Perdition　or　felicity　will　hang　upon　that　moment。

This　conversation　was　late　in　the　evening。　　After　I　had　consented　to　postpone　this　subject；　we　parted；　he　telling　me　that　he　would　leave　his　chamber　door　open；　and　as　soon　as　my　mind　was　made　up　I　might　come　to　him。


*The　reader　must　be　reminded　that　the　incidents　of　this　narrative　are　supposed　to　have　taken　place　before　the　voyages　of　Bougainville　and　Cook。Editor。



Chapter　X。


I　retired　accordingly　to　my　apartment；　and　spent　the　prescribed　hour　in　anxious　and　irresolute　reflections。　　They　were　no　other　than　had　hitherto　occurred；　but　they　occurred　with　more　force　than　ever。　　Some　fatal　obstinacy；　however；　got　possession　of　me；　and　I　persisted　in　the　resolution　of　concealing　~~one　thing~~。　We　become　fondly　attached　to　objects　and　pursuits；　frequently　for　no　conceivable　reason　but　the　pain　and　trouble　they　cost　us。　　In　proportion　to　the　danger　in　which　they　involve　us　do　we　cherish　them。　　Our　darling　potion　is　the　poison　that　scorches　our　vitals。

After　some　time；　I　went　to　Ludloe's　apartment。　　I　found　him　solemn；　and　yet　benign；　at　my　entrance。　　After　intimating　my　compliance　with　the　terms　prescribed；　which　I　did；　in　spite　of　all　my　labour　for　composure；　with　accents　half　faultering；　he　proceeded　to　put　various　questions　to　me；　relative　to　my　early　history。

I　knew　there　was　no　other　mode　of　accomplishing　the　end　in　view；　but　by　putting　all　that　was　related　in　the　form　of　answers　to　questions；　and　when　meditating　on　the　character　of　Ludloe；　I　experienced　excessive　uneasiness　as　to　the　consummate　art　and　penetration　which　his　questions　would　manifest。　　Conscious　of　a　purpose　to　conceal；　my　fancy　invested　my　friend　with　the　robe　of　a　judicial　inquisitor；　all　whose　questions　should　aim　at　extracting　the　truth；　and　entrapping　the　liar。

In　this　respect；　however；　I　was　wholly　disappointed。　　All　his　inquiries　were　general　and　obvious。They　betokened　curiosity；　but　not　suspicion；　yet　there　were　moments　when　I　saw；　or　fancied　I　saw；　some　dissatisfaction　betrayed　in　his　features；　and　when　I　arrived　at　that　period　of　my　story　which　terminated　with　my　departure；　as　his　companion；　for　Europe；　his　pauses　were；　I　thought；　a　little　longer　and　more　museful　than　I　liked。　　At　this　period；　our　first　conference　ended。　　After　a　talk；　which　had　commenced　at　a　late　hour；　and　had　continued　many　hours；　it　was　time　to　sleep；　and　it　was　agreed　that　next　morning　the　conference　should　be　renewed。

On　retiring　to　my　pillow；　and　reviewing　all　the　circumstances　of　this　interview；　my　mind　was　filled　with　apprehension　and　disquiet。　　I　seemed　to　recollect　a　thousand　things；　which　showed　that　Ludloe　was　not　fully　satisfied　with　my　part　in　this　interview。　A　strange　and　nameless　mixture　of　wrath　and　of　pity　appeared；　on　recollection；　in　the　glances　which；　from　time　to　time；　he　cast　upon　me。　　Some　emotion　played　upon　his　features；　in　which；　as　my　fears　conceived；　there　was　a　tincture　of　resentment　and　ferocity。　　In　vain　I　called　my　usual　sophistries　to　my　aid。　　In　vain　I　pondered　on　the　inscrutable　nature　of　my　peculiar　faculty。　　In　vain　I　endeavoured　to　persuade　myself；　that；　by　telling　the　truth；　instead　of　entitling　myself　to　Ludloe's　approbation；　I　should　only　excite　his　anger；　by　what　he　could　not　but　deem　an　attempt　to　impose　upon　his　belief　an　incredible　tale　of　impossible　events。　　I　had　never　heard　or　read　of　any　instance　of　this　faculty。　　I　supposed　the　case　to　be　absolutely　singular；　and　I　should　be　no　more　entitled　to　credit　in　proclaiming　it；　than　if　I　should　maintain　that　a　certain　billet　of　wood　possessed　the　faculty　of　articulate　speech。　　It　was　now；　however；　too　late　to　retract。　　I　had　been　guilty　of　a　solemn　and　deliberate　concealment。　　I　was　now　in　the　path　in　which　there　was　no　turning　back；　and　I　must　go　forward。

The　return　of　day's　encouraging　beams　in　some　degree　quieted　my　nocturnal　terrors；　and　I　went；　at　the　appointed　hour；　to　Ludloe's　presence。　　I　found　him　with　a　much　more　cheerful　aspect　than　I　expected；　and　began　to　chide　myself；　in　secret；　for　the　folly　of　my　late　apprehensions。

After　a　little　pause；　he　reminded　me；　that　he　was　only　one　among　many；　engaged　in　a　great　and　arduous　design。　　As　each　of　us；　continued　he；　is　mortal；　each　of　us　must；　in　time；　yield　his　post　to　another。Each　of　us　is　ambitious　to　provide　himself　a　successor；　to　have　his　place　filled　by　one　selected　and　instructed　by　himself。　　All　our　personal　feelings　and　affections　are　by　no　means　intended　to　be　swallowed　up　by　a　passion　for　the　general　interest；　when　they　can　be　kept　alive　and　be　brought　into　play；　in　subordination　and　subservience　to　the　~~great　end~~；　they　are　cherished　as　useful；　and　revered　as　laudable；　and　whatever　austerity　and　rigour　you　may　impute　to　my　character；　there　are　few　more　susceptible　of　personal　regards　than　I　am。

You　cannot　know；　till　~~you~~　are　what　~~I~~　am；　what　deep；　what　all…absorbing　interest　I　have　in　the　success　of　my　tutorship　on　this　occasion。　　Most　joyfully　would　I　embrace　a　thousand　deaths；　rather　than　that　you　should　prove　a　recreant。　　The　consequences　of　any　failure　in　your　integrity　will；　it　is　true；　be　fatal　to　yourself：　　but　there　are　some　minds；　of　a　generous　texture；　who　are　more　impatient　under　ills　they　have　inflicted　upon　others；　than　of　those　they　have　brought　upon　themselves；　who　had　rather　peris