roughing it-第40部分

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have　found　four　gold　bars　would　have　seemed　poor　and　cheap　good　luck
compared　to　this。

One　cannot　think　how　good　a　match　looks　under　such　circumstancesor　how
lovable　and　precious；　and　sacredly　beautiful　to　the　eye。　　This　time　we
gathered　sticks　with　high　hopes；　and　when　Mr。　Ballou　prepared　to　light
the　first　match；　there　was　an　amount　of　interest　centred　upon　him　that
pages　of　writing　could　not　describe。　　The　match　burned　hopefully　a
moment；　and　then　went　out。　　It　could　not　have　carried　more　regret　with　it
if　it　had　been　a　human　life。　　The　next　match　simply　flashed　and　died。
The　wind　puffed　the　third　one　out　just　as　it　was　on　the　imminent　verge　of
success。　　We　gathered　together　closer　than　ever；　and　developed　a
solicitude　that　was　rapt　and　painful；　as　Mr。　Ballou　scratched　our　last
hope　on　his　leg。　　It　lit；　burned　blue　and　sickly；　and　then　budded　into　a
robust　flame。　　Shading　it　with　his　hands；　the　old　gentleman　bent
gradually　down　and　every　heart　went　with　himeverybody；　too；　for　that
matterand　blood　and　breath　stood　still。　　The　flame　touched　the　sticks
at　last；　took　gradual　hold　upon　themhesitatedtook　a　stronger　hold
hesitated　againheld　its　breath　five　heart…breaking　seconds；　then　gave　a
sort　of　human　gasp　and　went　out。

Nobody　said　a　word　for　several　minutes。　　It　was　a　solemn　sort　of　silence；
even　the　wind　put　on　a　stealthy；　sinister　quiet；　and　made　no　more　noise
than　the　falling　flakes　of　snow。　　Finally　a　sad…voiced　conversation
began；　and　it　was　soon　apparent　that　in　each　of　our　hearts　lay　the
conviction　that　this　was　our　last　night　with　the　living。　　I　had　so　hoped
that　I　was　the　only　one　who　felt　so。　　When　the　others　calmly　acknowledged
their　conviction；　it　sounded　like　the　summons　itself。　　Ollendorff　said：

〃Brothers；　let　us　die　together。　　And　let　us　go　without　one　hard　feeling
towards　each　other。　　Let　us　forget　and　forgive　bygones。　　I　know　that　you
have　felt　hard　towards　me　for　turning　over　the　canoe；　and　for　knowing　too
much　and　leading　you　round　and　round　in　the　snowbut　I　meant　well；
forgive　me。　　I　acknowledge　freely　that　I　have　had　hard　feelings　against
Mr。　Ballou　for　abusing　me　and　calling　me　a　logarythm；　which　is　a　thing　I
do　not　know　what；　but　no　doubt　a　thing　considered　disgraceful　and
unbecoming　in　America；　and　it　has　scarcely　been　out　of　my　mind　and　has
hurt　me　a　great　dealbut　let　it　go；　I　forgive　Mr。　Ballou　with　all　my
heart；　and〃

Poor　Ollendorff　broke　down　and　the　tears　came。　　He　was　not　alone；　for　I
was　crying　too；　and　so　was　Mr。　Ballou。　　Ollendorff　got　his　voice　again
and　forgave　me　for　things　I　had　done　and　said。　　Then　he　got　out　his
bottle　of　whisky　and　said　that　whether　he　lived　or　died　he　would　never
touch　another　drop。　　He　said　he　had　given　up　all　hope　of　life；　and
although　ill…prepared；　was　ready　to　submit　humbly　to　his　fate；　that　he
wished　he　could　be　spared　a　little　longer；　not　for　any　selfish　reason；
but　to　make　a　thorough　reform　in　his　character；　and　by　devoting　himself
to　helping　the　poor；　nursing　the　sick；　and　pleading　with　the　people　to
guard　themselves　against　the　evils　of　intemperance；　make　his　life　a
beneficent　example　to　the　young；　and　lay　it　down　at　last　with　the
precious　reflection　that　it　had　not　been　lived　in　vain。　　He　ended　by
saying　that　his　reform　should　begin　at　this　moment；　even　here　in　the
presence　of　death；　since　no　longer　time　was　to　be　vouchsafed　wherein　to
prosecute　it　to　men's　help　and　benefitand　with　that　he　threw　away　the
bottle　of　whisky。

Mr。　Ballou　made　remarks　of　similar　purport；　and　began　the　reform　he　could
not　live　to　continue；　by　throwing　away　the　ancient　pack　of　cards　that　had
solaced　our　captivity　during　the　flood　and　made　it　bearable。

He　said　he　never　gambled；　but　still　was　satisfied　that　the　meddling　with
cards　in　any　way　was　immoral　and　injurious；　and　no　man　could　be　wholly
pure　and　blemishless　without　eschewing　them。　　〃And　therefore；〃　continued
he；　〃in　doing　this　act　I　already　feel　more　in　sympathy　with　that
spiritual　saturnalia　necessary　to　entire　and　obsolete　reform。〃　　These
rolling　syllables　touched　him　as　no　intelligible　eloquence　could　have
done；　and　the　old　man　sobbed　with　a　mournfulness　not　unmingled　with
satisfaction。

My　own　remarks　were　of　the　same　tenor　as　those　of　my　comrades；　and　I　know
that　the　feelings　that　prompted　them　were　heartfelt　and　sincere。　　We　were
all　sincere；　and　all　deeply　moved　and　earnest；　for　we　were　in　the
presence　of　death　and　without　hope。　　I　threw　away　my　pipe；　and　in　doing
it　felt　that　at　last　I　was　free　of　a　hated　vice　and　one　that　had　ridden
me　like　a　tyrant　all　my　days。　　While　I　yet　talked；　the　thought　of　the
good　I　might　have　done　in　the　world　and　the　still　greater　good　I　might
now　do；　with　these　new　incentives　and　higher　and　better　aims　to　guide　me
if　I　could　only　be　spared　a　few　years　longer；　overcame　me　and　the　tears
came　again。　　We　put　our　arms　about　each　other's　necks　and　awaited　the
warning　drowsiness　that　precedes　death　by　freezing。

It　came　stealing　over　us　presently；　and　then　we　bade　each　other　a　last
farewell。　　A　delicious　dreaminess　wrought　its　web　about　my　yielding
senses；　while　the　snow…flakes　wove　a　winding　sheet　about　my　conquered
body。　　Oblivion　came。　　The　battle　of　life　was　done。




CHAPTER　XXXIII。

I　do　not　know　how　long　I　was　in　a　state　of　forgetfulness；　but　it　seemed
an　age。　　A　vague　consciousness　grew　upon　me　by　degrees；　and　then　came　a
gathering　anguish　of　pain　in　my　limbs　and　through　all　my　body。　　I
shuddered。　　The　thought　flitted　through　my　brain；　〃this　is　deaththis　is
the　hereafter。〃

Then　came　a　white　upheaval　at　my　side；　and　a　voice　said；　with　bitterness：

〃Will　some　gentleman　be　so　good　as　to　kick　me　behind？〃

It　was　Ballouat　least　it　was　a　towzled　snow　image　in　a　sitting　posture；
with　Ballou's　voice。

I　rose　up；　and　there　in　the　gray　dawn；　not　fifteen　steps　from　us；　were
the　frame　buildings　of　a　stage　station；　and　under　a　shed　stood　our　still
saddled　and　bridled　horses！

An　arched　snow…drift　broke　up；　now；　and　Ollendorff　emerged　from　it；　and
the　three　of　us　sat　and　stared　at　the　houses　without　speaking　a　word。
We　really　had　nothing　to　say。　　We　were　like　the　profane　man　who　could　not
〃do　the　subject　justice；〃　the　whole　situation　was　so　painfully　ridiculous
and　humiliating　that　words　were　tame　and　we　did　not　know　where　to
commence　anyhow。

The　joy　in　our　hearts　at　our　deliverance　was　poisoned；　well…nigh
dissipated；　indeed。　　We　presently　began　to　grow　pettish　by　degrees；　and
sullen；　and　then；　angry　at　each　other；　angry　at　ourselves；　angry　at
everything　in　general；　we　moodily　dusted　the　snow　from　our　clothing　and
in　unsociable　single　file　plowed　our　way　to　the　horses；　unsaddled　them；
and　sought　shelter　in　the　station。

I　have　scarcely　exaggerated　a　detail　of　this　curious　and　absurd
adventure。　　It　occurred　almost　exactly　as　I　have　stated　it。　　We　actually
went　into　camp　in　a　snow…drift　in　a　desert；　at　midnight　in　a　storm；
forlorn　and　hopeless；　within　fifteen　steps　of　a　comfortable　inn。

For　two　hours　we　sat　apart　in　the　station　and　ruminated　in　disgust。
The　mystery　was　gone；　now；　and　it　was　plain　enough　why　the　horses　had
deserted　us。　　Without　a　doubt　they　were　under　that　shed　a　quarter　of　a
minute　after　they　had　left　us；　and　they　must　have　overheard　and　enjoyed
all　our　confessions　and　lamentations。

After　breakfast　we　felt　better；　and　the　zest　of　life　soon　came　back。
The　world　looked　bright　again；　and　existence　was　as　dear　to　us　as　ever。
Presently　an　uneasiness　came　over　megrew　upon　meassailed　me　without
ceasing。　　Alas；　my　regeneration　was　not　completeI　wanted　to　smoke！
I　resisted　with　all　my　strength；　but　the　flesh　was　weak。　　I　wandered　away
alone　and　wrestled　with　myself　an　hour。　　I　recalled　my　promises　of　reform
and　preached　to　myself　persuasively；　upbraidingly；　exhaustively。　　But　it
was　all　vain；　I　shortly　found　myself　sneaking　among　the　snow…drifts
hunting　for　my　pipe。　　I　discovered　it　after　a　considerable　search；　and
crept　away　to　hide　myself　and　enjoy　it。　　I　remained　behind　the　barn　a
good　while；　asking　myself　how　I　would　feel　if　my　braver；　stronger；　truer
comrades　should　catch　me　in　my　degradation。　　At　last　I　lit　the　pipe；　and
no　human　being　can　feel　meaner　and　baser　than　I　did　then。　　I　was　ashamed
of　being　in　my　own　pitiful　company。　　Still　dreading　discovery；　I　felt
that　perhaps　the　further　side　of　the　barn　would　be　somewhat　safer；　and　so
I　turned　the　corner。　　As　I　turned　the　one　corner；　smoking；　Ollendorff
turned　the　other　with　his　bottle　to　his　lips；　and　between　us　sat
unconscious　Ballou　deep　in　a　game　of　〃solitaire〃　with　the　old　greasy
cards！

Absurdity　could　go　no　farther。　　We　shook　hands　and　agreed　to　say　no　more
about　〃reform〃　and　〃examples　to　the　rising　generation。〃

The　station　we　were　at　was　at　the　verge　of　the　Twenty…six…Mile　Desert。
If　we　had　approached　it　half　an　hour　earlier　the　night　before；　we　must
have　heard　men　shouting　there　and　firing　pistols；　for　they　were　expecting
some　sheep　drovers　and　their　flocks　and　knew　that　they　would　infallibly
get　lost　and　wander　out　of　reach　of　help　unless　guided　by　sounds。

While　we　remained　at　the　station；　three　of　the　drovers　arrived；　nearly
exhausted　with　their　wanderings；　but　two　other