green mansions-第47部分

快捷操作: 按键盘上方向键 ← 或 → 可快速上下翻页 按键盘上的 Enter 键可回到本书目录页 按键盘上方向键 ↑ 可回到本页顶部! 如果本书没有阅读完，想下次继续接着阅读，可使用上方 "收藏到我的浏览器" 功能 和 "加入书签" 功能！

　to　him？　　To　me　was　your　cry；　but　your　poor；　frail　fellow　creature　was　not　there　to　save；　or；　failing　that；　to　cast　himself　into　the　flames　and　perish　with　you；　hating　God。〃

Thus；　in　my　insufferable　pain；　I　spoke　aloud；　alone　in　that　solitary　place；　a　bleeding　fugitive　in　the　dark　night；　looking　up　at　the　stars　I　cursed　the　Author　of　my　being　and　called　on　Him　to　take　back　the　abhorred　gift　of　life。

Yet；　according　to　my　philosophy；　how　vain　it　was！　　All　my　bitterness　and　hatred　and　defiance　were　as　empty；　as　ineffectual；　as　utterly　futile；　as　are　the　supplications　of　the　meek　worshipper；　and　no　more　than　the　whisper　of　a　leaf；　the　light　whirr　of　an　insect's　wing。　　Whether　I　loved　Him　who　was　over　all；　as　when　I　thanked　Him　on　my　knees　for　guiding　me　to　where　I　had　heard　so　sweet　and　mysterious　a　melody；　or　hated　and　defied　Him　as　now；　it　all　came　from　Himlove　and　hate；　good　and　evil。

But　I　knowI　knew　thenthat　in　one　thing　my　philosophy　was　false；　that　it　was　not　the　whole　truth；　that　though　my　cries　did　not　touch　nor　come　near　Him　they　would　yet　hurt　me；　and；　just　as　a　prisoner　maddened　at　his　unjust　fate　beats　against　the　stone　walls　of　his　cell　until　he　falls　back　bruised　and　bleeding　to　the　floor；　so　did　I　wilfully　bruise　my　own　soul；　and　knew　that　those　wounds　I　gave　myself　would　not　heal。　　

Of　that　night；　the　beginning　of　the　blackest　period　of　my　life；　I　shall　say　no　more；　and　over　subsequent　events　I　shall　pass　quickly。

Morning　found　me　at　a　distance　of　many　miles　from　the　scene　of　my　duel　with　the　Indian；　in　a　broken；　hilly　country；　varied　with　savannah　and　open　forest。　　I　was　well…nigh　spent　with　my　long　march；　and　felt　that　unless　food　was　obtained　before　many　hours　my　situation　would　be　indeed　desperate。　　With　labour　I　managed　to　climb　to　the　summit　of　a　hill　about　three　hundred　feet　high　in　order　to　survey　the　surrounding　country；　and　found　that　it　was　one　of　a　group　of　five；　and　conjectured　that　these　were　the　five　hills　of　Uritay　and　that　I　was　in　the　neighbourhood　of　Managa's　village。　　Coming　down　I　proceeded　to　the　next　hill；　which　was　higher；　and　before　reaching　it　came　to　a　stream　in　a　narrow　valley　dividing　the　hills；　and　proceeding　along　its　banks　in　search　of　a　crossing…place；　I　came　full　in　sight　of　the　settlement　sought　for。　　As　I　approached；　people　were　seen　moving　hurriedly　about；　and　by　the　time　I　arrived；　walking　slowly　and　painfully；　seven　or　eight　men　were　standing　before　the　village'　some　with　spears　in　their　hands；　the　women　and　children　behind　them；　all　staring　curiously　at　me。　　Drawing　near　I　cried　out　in　a　somewhat　feeble　voice　that　I　was　seeking　for　Managa；　whereupon　a　gray…haired　man　stepped　forth；　spear　in　hand；　and　replied　that　he　was　Managa；　and　demanded　to　know　why　I　sought　him。　　I　told　him　a　part　of　my　storyenough　to　show　that　I　had　a　deadly　feud　with　Runi；　that　I　had　escaped　from　him　after　killing　one　of　his　people。

I　was　taken　in　and　supplied　with　food；　my　wound　was　examined　and　dressed；　and　then　I　was　permitted　to　lie　down　and　sleep；　while　Managa；　with　half　a　dozen　of　his　people；　hurriedly　started　to　visit　the　scene　of　my　fight　with　Kua…ko；　not　only　to　verify　my　story；　but　partly　with　the　hope　of　meeting　Runi。　　I　did　not　see　him　again　until　the　next　morning；　when　he　informed　me　that　he　had　found　the　spot　where　I　had　been　overtaken；　that　the　dead　man　had　been　discovered　by　the　others　and　carried　back　towards　Parahuari。　He　had　followed　the　trace　for　some　distance；　and　he　was　satisfied　that　Runi　had　come　thus　far　in　the　first　place　only　with　the　intention　of　spying　on　him。

My　arrival；　and　the　strange　tidings　I　had　brought；　had　thrown　the　village　into　a　great　commotion；　it　was　evident　that　from　that　time　Managa　lived　in　constant　apprehension　of　a　sudden　attack　from　his　old　enemy。　　This　gave　me　great　satisfaction；　it　was　my　study　to　keep　the　feeling　alive；　and；　more　than　that；　to　drop　continual　hints　of　his　enemy's　secret　murderous　purpose；　until　he　was　wrought　up　to　a　kind　of　frenzy　of　mingled　fear　and　rage。　　And　being　of　a　suspicious　and　somewhat　truculent　temper；　he　one　day　all　at　once　turned　on　me　as　the　immediate　cause　of　his　miserable　state；　suspecting　perhaps　that　I　only　wished　to　make　an　instrument　of　him。　　But　I　was　strangely　bold　and　careless　of　danger　then；　and　only　mocked　at　his　rage；　telling　him　proudly　that　I　feared　him　not；　that　Runi；　his　mortal　enemy　and　mine；　feared　not　him　but　me；　that　Runi　knew　perfectly　well　where　I　had　taken　refuge　and　would　not　venture　to　make　his　meditated　attack　while　I　remained　in　his　village；　but　would　wait　for　my　departure。　〃Kill　me；　Managa；〃　I　cried；　smiting　my　chest　as　I　stood　facing　him。　　〃Kill　me；　and　the　result　will　be　that　he　will　come　upon　you　unawares　and　murder　you　all；　as　he　has　resolved　to　do　sooner　or　later。〃

After　that　speech　he　glared　at　me　in　silence；　then　flung　down　the　spear　he　had　snatched　up　in　his　sudden　rage　and　stalked　out　of　the　house　and　into　the　wood；　but　before　long　he　was　back　again；　seated　in　his　old　place；　brooding　on　my　words　with　a　face　black　as　night。

It　is　painful　to　recall　that　secret　dark　chapter　of　my　lifethat　period　of　moral　insanity。　　But　I　wish　not　to　be　a　hypocrite；　conscious　or　unconscious；　to　delude　myself　or　another　with　this　plea　of　insanity。　　My　mind　was　very　clear　just　then；　past　and　present　were　clear　to　me；　the　future　clearest　of　all：　I　could　measure　the　extent　of　my　action　and　speculate　on　its　future　effect；　and　my　sense　of　right　or　wrongof　individual　responsibilitywas　more　vivid　than　at　any　other　period　of　my　life。　　Can　I　even　say　that　I　was　blinded　by　passion？　　Driven；　perhaps；　but　certainly　not　blinded。　　For　no　reaction；　or　submission；　had　followed　on　that　furious　revolt　against　the　unknown　being；　personal　or　not；　that　is　behind　nature；　in　whose　existence　I　believed。　　I　was　still　in　revolt：　I　would　hate　Him；　and　show　my　hatred　by　being　like　Him；　as　He　appears　to　us　reflected　in　that　mirror　of　Nature。　　Had　He　given　me　good　giftsthe　sense　of　right　and　wrong　and　sweet　humanity？　　The　beautiful　sacred　flower　He　had　caused　to　grow　in　me　I　would　crush　ruthlessly；　its　beauty　and　fragrance　and　grace　would　be　dead　for　ever；　there　was　nothing　evil；　nothing　cruel　and　contrary　to　my　nature；　that　I　would　not　be　guilty　of；　glorying　in　my　guilt。　　This　was　not　the　temper　of　a　few　days：　I　remained　for　close　upon　two　months　at　Managa's　village；　never　repenting　nor　desisting　in　my　efforts　to　induce　the　Indians　to　join　me　in　that　most　barbarous　adventure　on　which　my　heart　was　set。

I　succeeded　in　the　end；　it　would　have　been　strange　if　I　had　not。　The　horrible　details　need　not　be　given。　　Managa　did　not　wait　for　his　enemy；　but　fell　on　him　unexpectedly；　an　hour　after　nightfall　in　his　own　village。　　If　I　had　really　been　insane　during　those　two　months；　if　some　cloud　had　been　on　me；　some　demoniacal　force　dragging　me　on；　the　cloud　and　insanity　vanished　and　the　constraint　was　over　in　one　moment；　when　that　hellish　enterprise　was　completed。　　It　was　the　sight　of　an　old　woman；　lying　where　she　had　been　struck　down；　the　fire　of　the　blazing　house　lighting　her　wide…open　glassy　eyes　and　white　hair　dabbled　in　blood；　which　suddenly；　as　by　a　miracle；　wrought　this　change　in　my　brain。　　For　they　were　all　dead　at　last；　old　and　young；　all　who　had　lighted　the　fire　round　that　great　green　tree　in　which　Rima　had　taken　refuge；　who　had　danced　round　the　blaze；　shouting：　〃Burn！　　burn！〃

At　the　moment　my　glance　fell　on　that　prostrate　form　I　paused　and　stood　still；　trembling　like　a　person　struck　with　a　sudden　pang　in　the　heart；　who　thinks　that　his　last　moment　has　come　to　him　unawares。　　After　a　while　I　slunk　away　out　of　the　great　circle　of　firelight　into　the　thick　darkness　beyond。　　Instinctively　I　turned　towards　the　forests　across　the　savannahmy　forest　again；　and　fled　away　from　the　noise　and　the　sight　of　flames；　never　pausing　until　I　found　myself　within　the　black　shadow　of　the　trees。　　Into　the　deeper　blackness　of　the　interior　I　dared　not　venture；　on　the　border　I　paused　to　ask　myself　what　I　did　there　alone　in　the　night…time。　　Sitting　down；　I　covered　my　face　with　my　hands　as　if　to　hide　it　more　effectually　than　it　could　be　hidden　by　night　and　the　forest　shadows。　　What　horrible　thing；　what　calamity　that　frightened　my　soul　to　think　of；　had　fallen　on　me？　　The　revulsion　of　feeling；　the　unspeakable　horror；　the　remorse；　was　more　than　I　could　bear。　　I　started　up　with　a　cry　of　anguish；　and　would　have　slain　myself　to　escape　at　that　moment；　but　Nature　is　not　always　and　utterly　cruel；　and　on　this　occasion　she　came　to　my　aid。　Consciousness　forsook　me；　and　I　lived　not　again　until　the　light　of　early　morning　was　in　the　east；　then　found　myself　lying　on　the　wet　herbagewet　with　rain　that　had　lately　fallen。　　My　physical　misery　was　now　so　great　that　it　prevented　me　from　dwelling　on　the　scenes　witnessed　on　the　previous　evening。　　Nature　was　again　merciful　in　this。　　I　only　remembered　that　it　was　necessary　to　hide　myself；　in　case　the　Indians　should　be　still　in　the　neighbourhood　and　pay　the　wood　a　visit。　　Slowly　and　painfully　I　crept　away　into　the　forest；　and　there　sat　for　several　hours；　scarcely　thinking　at　all；　in　a　half…stupefied　condition。　　At　noon　the　sun　shone　out　and　dried　the　wood。　　I　felt　no　hunger；　only　a　vague　sense　of　bodily　misery；　and　with　it　the