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green mansions-第51部分
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olin and clash his airy cymbals with no appreciative ear to listen? Once I had a different and strange kind of meat; but the starved stomach is not squeamish。 I found a serpent coiled up in my way in a small glade; and arming myself with a long stick; I roused him from his siesta and slew him without mercy。 Rima was not there to pluck the rage from my heart and save his evil life。 No coral snake this; with slim; tapering body; ringed like a wasp with brilliant colour; but thick and blunt; with lurid scales; blotched with black; also a broad; flat; murderous head; with stony; ice…like; whity…blue eyes; cold enough to freeze a victim's blood in its veins and make it sit still; like some wide…eyed creature carved in stone; waiting for the sharp; inevitable strokeso swift at last; so long in coming。 〃O abominable flat head; with icy…cold; humanlike; fiend…like eyes; I shall cut you off and throw you away!〃 And away I flung it; far enough in all conscience: yet I walked home troubled with a fancy that somewhere; somewhere down on the black; wet soil where it had fallen; through all that dense; thorny tangle and millions of screening leaves; the white; lidless; living eyes were following me still; and would always be following me in all my goings and comings and windings about in the forest。 And what wonder? For were we not alone together in this dreadful solitude; I and the serpent; eaters of the dust; singled out and cursed above all cattle? HE would not have bitten me; and Ifaithless cannibal!had murdered him。 That cursed fancy would live on; worming itself into every crevice of my mind; the severed head would grow and grow in the night…time to something monstrous at last; the hellish white lidless eyes increasing to the size of two full moons。 〃Murderer! murderer!〃 they would say; 〃first a murderer of your own fellow creaturesthat was a small crime; but God; our enemy; had made them in His image; and He cursed you; and we two were together; alone and apartyou and I; murderer! you and I; murderer!〃
I tried to escape the tyrannous fancy by thinking of other things and by making light of it。 〃The starved; bloodless brain;〃 I said; 〃has strange thoughts。〃 I fell to studying the dark; thick; blunt body in my hands; I noticed that the livid; rudely blotched; scaly surface showed in some lights a lovely play of prismatic colours。 And growing poetical; I said: 〃When the wild west wind broke up the rainbow on the flying grey cloud and scattered it over the earth; a fragment doubtless fell on this reptile to give it that tender celestial tint。 For thus it is Nature loves all her children; and gives to each some beauty; little or much; only to me; her hated stepchild; she gives no beauty; no grace。 But stay; am I not wronging her? Did not Rima; beautiful above all things; love me well? said she not that I was beautiful?〃
〃Ah; yes; that was long ago;〃 spoke the voice that mocked me by the pool when I combed out my tangled hair。 〃Long ago; when the soul that looked from your eyes was not the accursed thing it is now。 Now Rima would start at the sight of them; now she would fly in terror from their insane expression。〃
〃O spiteful voice; must you spoil even such appetite as I have for this fork…tongued spotty food? You by day and Rima by nightwhat shall I dowhat shall I do?〃
For it had now come to this; that the end of each day brought not sleep and dreams; but waking visions。 Night by night; from my dry grass bed I beheld Nuflo sitting in his old doubled…up posture; his big brown feet close to the white ashessitting silent and miserable。 I pitied him; I owed him hospitality; but it seemed intolerable that he should be there。 It was better to shut my eyes; for then Rima's arms would be round my neck; the silky mist of her hair against my face; her flowery breath mixing with my breath。 What a luminous face was hers! Even with closeshut eyes I could see it vividly; the translucent skin showing the radiant rose beneath; the lustrous eyes; spiritual and passionate; dark as purple wine under their dark lashes。 Then my eyes would open wide。 No Rima in my arms! But over there; a little way back from the fire; just beyond where old Nuflo had sat brooding a few minutes ago; Rima would be standing; still and pale and unspeakably sad。 Why does she come to me from the outside darkness to stand there talking to me; yet never once lifting her mournful eyes to mine? 〃Do not believe it; Abel; no; that was only a phantom of your brain; the What…I…was that you remember so well。 For do you not see that when I come she fades away and is nothing? Not thatdo not ask it。 I know that I once refused to look into your eyes; and afterwards; in the cave at Riolama; I looked long and was happyunspeakably happy! But nowoh; you do not know what you ask; you do not know the sorrow that has come into mine; that if you once beheld it; for very sorrow you would die。 And you must live。 But I will wait patiently; and we shall be together in the end; and see each other without disguise。 Nothing shall divide us。 Only wish not for it soon; think not that death will ease your pain; and seek it not。 Austerities? Good works? Prayers? They are not seen; they are not heard; they are less…than nothing; and there is no intercession。 I did not know it then; but you knew it。 Your life was your own; you are not saved nor judged! acquit yourselfundo that which you have done; which Heaven cannot undoand Heaven will say no word nor will I。 You cannot; Abel; you cannot。 That which you have done is done; and yours must be the penalty and the sorrowyours and mineyours and mineyours and mine。〃
This; too; was a phantom; a Rima of the mind; one of the shapes the ever…changing black vapours of remorse and insanity would take; and all her mournful sentences were woven out of my own brain。 I was not so crazed as not to know it; only a phantom; an illusion; yet more real than realityreal as my crime and vain remorse and death to come。 It was; indeed; Rima returned to tell me that I that loved her had been more cruel to her than her cruellest enemies; for they had but tortured and destroyed her body with fire; while I had cast this shadow on her soulthis sorrow transcending all sorrows; darker than death; immitigable; eternal。
If I could only have faded gradually; painlessly; growing feebler in body and dimmer in my senses each day; to sink at last into sleep! But it could not be。 Still the fever in my brain; the mocking voice by day; the phantoms by night; and at last I became convinced that unless I quitted the forest before long; death would come to me in some terrible shape。 But in the feeble condition I was now in; and without any provisions; to escape from the neighbourhood of Parahuari was impossible; seeing that it was necessary at starting to avoid the villages where the Indians were of the same tribe as Runi; who would recognize me as the white man who was once his guest and afterwards his implacable enemy。 I must wait; and in spite of a weakened body and a mind diseased; struggle still to wrest a scanty subsistence from wild nature。
One day I discovered an old prostrate tree; buried under a thick growth of creeper and fern; the wood of which was nearly or quite rotten; as I proved by thrusting my knife to the heft in it。 No doubt it would contain grubsthose huge; white wood…borers which now formed an important item in my diet。 On the following day I returned to the spot with a chopper and a bundle of wedges to split the trunk up; but had scarcely commenced operations when an animal; startled at my blows; rushed or rather wriggled from its hiding…place under the dead wood at a distance of a few yards from me。 It was a robust; round…headed; short…legged creature; about as big as a good…sized cat; and clothed in a thick; greenish…brown fur。 The ground all about was covered with creepers; binding the ferns; bushes; and old dead branches together; and in this confused tangle the animal scrambled and tore with a great show of energy; but really made very little progress; and all at once it flashed into my mind that it was a slotha common animal; but rarely seen on the groundwith no tree near to take refuge in。 The shock of joy this discovery produced was great enough to unnerve me; and for some moments I stood trembling; hardly able to breathe; then recovering I hastened after it; and stunned it with a blow from my chopper on its round head。
〃Poor sloth!〃 I said as I stood over it。 〃Poor old lazy…bones! Did Rima ever find you fast asleep in a tree; hugging a branch as if you loved it; and with her little hand pat your round; human…like head; and laugh mockingly at the astonishment in your drowsy; waking eyes; and scold you tenderly for wearing your nails so long; and for being so ugly? Lazybones; your death is revenged! Oh; to be out of this woodaway from this sacred placeto be anywhere where killing is not murder!〃
Then it came into my mind that I was now in possession of the supply of food which would enable me to quit the wood。 A noble capture! As much to me as if a stray; migratory mule had rambled into the wood and found me; and I him。 Now I would be my own mule; patient; and long…suffering; and far…going; with naked
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