green mansions-第53部分

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k　on　as　rivers　in　hell；　and　nameless　mountain　after　mountain　to　be　toiled　round　or　toiled　over。　　I　may　have　seen　Roraima　during　that　mentally　clouded　period。　　I　vaguely　remember　a　far…extending　gigantic　wall　of　stone　that　seemed　to　bar　all　further　progressa　rocky　precipice　rising　to　a　stupendous　height；　seen　by　moonlight；　with　a　huge　sinuous　rope　of　white　mist　suspended　from　its　summit；　as　if　the　guardian　camoodi　of　the　mountain　had　been　a　league…long　spectral　serpent　which　was　now　dropping　its　coils　from　the　mighty　stone　table　to　frighten　away　the　rash　intruder。

That　spectral　moonlight　camoodi　was　one　of　many　serpent　fancies　that　troubled　me。　　There　was　another；　surpassing　them　all；　which　attended　me　many　days。　　When　the　sun　grew　hot　overhead　and　the　way　was　over　open　savannah　country；　I　would　see　something　moving　on　the　ground　at　my　side　and　always　keeping　abreast　of　me。　　A　small　snake；　one　or　two　feet　long。　　No；　not　a　small　snake；　but　a　sinuous　mark　in　the　pattern　on　a　huge　serpent's　head；　five　or　six　yards　long；　always　moving　deliberately　at　my　side。　　If　a　cloud　came　over　the　sun；　or　a　fresh　breeze　sprang　up；　gradually　the　outline　of　that　awful　head　would　fade　and　the　well…defined　pattern　would　resolve　itself　into　the　motlings　on　the　earth。　　But　if　the　sun　grew　more　and　more　hot　and　dazzling　as　the　day　progressed；　then　the　tremendous　ophidian　head　would　become　increasingly　real　to　my　sight；　with　glistening　scales　and　symmetrical　markings；　and　I　would　walk　carefully　not　to　stumble　against　or　touch　it；　and　when　I　cast　my　eyes　behind　me　I　could　see　no　end　to　its　great　coils　extending　across　the　savannah。　　Even　looking　back　from　the　summit　of　a　high　hill　I　could　see　it　stretching　leagues　and　leagues　away　through　forests　and　rivers；　across　wide　plains；　valleys　and　mountains；　to　lose　itself　at　last　in　the　infinite　blue　distance。

How　or　when　this　monster　left　mewashed　away　by　cold　rains　perhapsI　do　not　know。　　Probably　it　only　transformed　itself　into　some　new　shape；　its　long　coils　perhaps　changing　into　those　endless　processions　and　multitudes　of　pale…faced　people　I　seem　to　remember　having　encountered。　　In　my　devious　wanderings　I　must　have　reached　the　shores　of　the　undiscovered　great　White　Lake；　and　passed　through　the　long　shining　streets　of　Manoa；　the　mysterious　city　in　the　wilderness。　　I　see　myself　there；　the　wide　thoroughfare　filled　from　end　to　end　with　people　gaily　dressed　as　if　for　some　high　festival；　all　drawing　aside　to　let　the　wretched　pilgrim　pass；　staring　at　his　fever…　and　famine…wasted　figure；　in　its　strange　rags；　with　its　strange　burden。

A　new　Ahasuerus；　cursed　by　inexpiable　crime；　yet　sustained　by　a　great　purpose。

But　Ahasuerus　prayed　ever　for　death　to　come　to　him　and　ran　to　meet　it；　while　I　fought　against　it　with　all　my　little　strength。　Only　at　intervals；　when　the　shadows　seemed　to　lift　and　give　me　relief；　would　I　pray　to　Death　to　spare　me　yet　a　little　longer；　but　when　the　shadows　darkened　again　and　hope　seemed　almost　quenched　in　utter　gloom；　then　I　would　curse　it　and　defy　its　power。　　Through　it　all　I　clung　to　the　belief　that　my　will　would　conquer；　that　it　would　enable　me　to　keep　off　the　great　enemy　from　my　worn　and　suffering　body　until　the　wished　goal　was　reached；　then　only　would　I　cease　to　fight　and　let　death　have　its　way。　There　would　have　been　comfort　in　this　belief　had　it　not　been　for　that　fevered　imagination　which　corrupted　everything　that　touched　me　and　gave　it　some　new　hateful　character。　　For　soon　enough　this　conviction　that　the　will　would　triumph　grew　to　something　monstrous；　a　parent　of　monstrous　fancies。　　Worst　of　all；　when　I　felt　no　actual　pain；　but　only　unutterable　weariness　of　body　and　soul；　when　feet　and　legs　were　numb　so　that　I　knew　not　whether　I　trod　on　dry　hot　rock　or　in　slime；　was　the　fancy　that　I　was　already　dead；　so　far　as　the　body　was　concernedhad　perhaps　been　dead　for　daysthat　only　the　unconquerable　will　survived　to　compel　the　dead　flesh　to　do　its　work。

Whether　it　really　was　willmore　potent　than　the　bark　of　barks　and　wiser　than　the　physiciansor　merely　the　vis　medicatrix　with　which　nature　helps　our　weakness　even　when　the　will　is　suspended；　that　saved　me　I　cannot　say；　but　it　is　certain　that　I　gradually　recovered　health；　physical　and　mental；　and　finally　reached　the　coast　comparatively　well；　although　my　mind　was　still　in　a　gloomy；　desponding　state　when　I　first　walked　the　streets　of　Georgetown；　in　rags；　half…starved　and　penniless。

But　even　when　well；　long　after　the　discovery　that　my　flesh　was　not　only　alive；　but　that　it　was　of　an　exceedingly　tough　quality；　the　idea　born　during　the　darkest　period　of　my　pilgrimage；　that　die　I　must；　persisted　in　my　mind。　　I　had　lived　through　that　which　would　have　killed　most　menlived　only　to　accomplish　the　one　remaining　purpose　of　my　life。　　Now　it　was　accomplished；　the　sacred　ashes　brought　so　far；　with　such　infinite　labour；　through　so　many　and　such　great　perils；　were　safe　and　would　mix　with　mine　at　last。　There　was　nothing　more　in　life　to　make　me　love　it　or　keep　me　prisoner　in　its　weary　chains。　　This　prospect　of　near　death　faded　in　time；　love　of　life　returned；　and　the　earth　had　recovered　its　everlasting　freshness　and　beauty；　only　that　feeling　about　Rima's　ashes　did　not　fade　or　change；　and　is　as　strong　now　as　it　was　then。　　Say　that　it　is　morbidcall　it　superstition　if　you　like；　but　there　it　is；　the　most　powerful　motive　I　have　known；　always　in　all　things　to　be　taken　into　accounta　philosophy　of　life　to　be　made　to　fit　it。　　Or　take　it　as　a　symbol；　since　that　may　come　to　be　one　with　the　thing　symbolized。　　In　those　darkest　days　in　the　forest　I　had　her　as　a　visitora　Rima　of　the　mind；　whose　words　when　she　spoke　reflected　my　despair。　　Yet　even　then　I　was　not　entirely　without　hope。　　Heaven　itself；　she　said；　could　not　undo　that　which　I　had　done；　and　she　also　said　that　if　I　forgave　myself；　Heaven　would　say　no　word；　nor　would　she。　　That　is　my　philosophy　still：　prayers；　austerities；　good　worksthey　avail　nothing；　and　there　is　no　intercession；　and　outside　of　the　soul　there　is　no　forgiveness　in　heaven　or　earth　for　sin。　　Nevertheless　there　is　a　way；　which　every　soul　can　find　out　for　itselfeven　the　most　rebellious；　the　most　darkened　with　crime　and　tormented　by　remorse。　　In　that　way　I　have　walked；　and；　self…forgiven　and　self…absolved；　I　know　that　if　she　were　to　return　once　more　and　appear　to　meeven　here　where　her　ashes　areI　know　that　her　divine　eyes　would　no　longer　refuse　to　look　into　mine；　since　the　sorrow　which　seemed　eternal　and　would　have　slain　me　to　see　would　not　now　be　in　them。





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