5 midnigh+sun-第11部分

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right。　　She　wasn't　the　average　martyr—she　didn't　want　an　audience　to　her　pain。　
〃Am　I　wrong？〃　
She　flinched　slightly；　but　otherwise　pretended　not　to　hear　me。　
That　made　me　smile。　　〃I　didn't　think　so。〃　
〃Why　does　it　matter　to　you？〃　she　demanded；　still　staring　away。　
〃That's　a　very　good　question；〃　I　admitted；　more　to　myself　than　to　answer　her。　
Her　discernment　was　better　than　mine—she　saw　right　to　the　core　of　things　while　I　
floundered　around　the　edges；　sifting　blindly　through　clues。　　The　details　of　her　very　human　
life　should　not　matter　to　me。　It　was　wrong　for　me　to　care　what　she　thought。　　Beyond　
protecting　my　family　from　suspicion；　human　thoughts　were　not　significant。　
I　was　not　used　to　being　the　less　intuitive　of　any　pairing。　　I　relied　on　my　extra　
hearing　too　much—I　clearly　was　not　as　perceptive　as　I　gave　myself　credit　for。　
？　2008　Stephenie　Meyer　
　
45　

The　girl　sighed　and　glowered　toward　the　front　of　the　classroom。　　Something　about　
her　frustrated　expression　was　humorous。　　The　whole　situation；　the　whole　conversation　
was　humorous。　　No　one　had　ever　been　in　more　danger　from　me　than　this　little　girl—at　
any　moment　I　might；　distracted　by　my　ridiculous　absorption　in　the　conversation；　inhale　
through　my　nose　and　attack　her　before　I　could　stop　myself—and　she　was　irritated　because　
I　hadn't　answered　her　question。　
〃Am　I　annoying　you？〃　I　asked；　smiling　at　the　absurdity　of　it　all。　
She　glanced　at　me　quickly；　and　then　her　eyes　seemed　to　get　trapped　by　my　gaze。　
〃Not　exactly；〃　she　told　me。　　〃I'm　more　annoyed　at　myself。　　My　face　is　so　easy　to　
read—my　mother　always　calls　me　her　open　book。〃　
She　frowned；　disgruntled。　
I　stared　at　her　in　amazement。　　The　reason　she　was　upset　was　because　she　thought　I　
saw　through　her　too　easily。　　How　bizarre。　　I'd　never　expended　so　much　effort　to　
understand　someone　in　all　my　life—or　rather　existence；　as　life　was　hardly　the　right　word。　
I　did　not　truly　have　a　life。　
〃On　the　contrary；〃　I　disagreed；　feeling　strangely？wary；　as　if　there　were　some　
hidden　danger　here　that　I　was　failing　to　see。　　I　was　suddenly　on　edge；　the　premonition　
making　me　anxious。　　〃I　find　you　very　difficult　to　read。〃　
〃You　must　be　a　good　reader　then；〃　she　guessed；　making　her　own　assumption　that　
was；　again；　right　on　target。　
〃Usually；〃　I　agreed。　
I　smiled　at　her　widely　then；　letting　my　lips　pull　back　to　expose　the　rows　of　
gleaming；　razor　sharp　teeth　behind　them。　
It　was　a　stupid　thing　to　do；　but　I　was　abruptly；　unexpectedly　desperate　to　get　some　
kind　of　warning　through　to　the　girl。　　Her　body　was　closer　to　me　than　before；　having　
shifted　unconsciously　in　the　course　of　our　conversation。　　All　the　little　markers　and　signs　
that　were　sufficient　to　scare　off　the　rest　of　humanity　did　not　seem　to　be　working　on　her。　
Why　did　she　not　cringe　away　from　me　in　terror？　　Surely　she　had　seen　enough　of　my　
darker　side　to　realize　the　danger；　intuitive　as　she　seemed　to　be。　
？　2008　Stephenie　Meyer　
　
46　

I　didn't　get　to　see　if　my　warning　had　the　intended　effect。　　Mr。　Banner　called　for　
the　class's　attention　just　then；　and　she　turned　away　from　me　at　once。　　She　seemed　a　little　
relieved　for　the　interruption；　so　maybe　she　understood　unconsciously。　
I　hoped　she　did。　
I　recognized　the　fascination　growing　inside　me；　even　as　I　tried　to　root　it　out。　　I　
could　not　afford　to　find　Bella　Swan　interesting。　　Or　rather；　she　could　not　afford　that。　
Already；　I　was　anxious　for　another　chance　to　talk　to　her。　　I　wanted　to　know　more　about　
her　mother；　her　life　before　she　came　here；　her　relationship　with　her　father。　　All　the　
meaningless　details　that　would　flesh　out　her　character　further。　　But　every　second　I　spent　
with　her　was　a　mistake；　a　risk　she　shouldn't　have　to　take。　
Absentmindedly；　she　tossed　her　thick　hair　just　at　the　moment　that　I　allowed　
myself　another　breath。　　A　particularly　concentrated　wave　of　her　scent　hit　the　back　of　my　
throat。　
It　was　like　the　first　day—like　the　wrecking　ball。　　The　pain　of　the　burning　dryness　
made　me　dizzy。　　I　had　to　grasp　the　table　again　to　keep　myself　in　my　seat。　　This　time　I　had　
slightly　more　control。　　I　didn't　break　anything；　at　least。　　The　monster　growled　inside　me；　
but　took　no　pleasure　in　my　pain。　　He　was　too　tightly　bound。　　For　the　moment。　
I　stopped　breathing　altogether；　and　leaned　as　far　from　the　girl　as　I　could。　
No；　I　could　not　afford　to　find　her　fascinating。　　The　more　interesting　I　found　her；　
the　more　likely　it　was　that　I　would　kill　her。　　I'd　already　made　two　minor　slips　today。　
Would　I　make　a　third；　one　that　was　not　minor？　
As　soon　as　the　bell　sounded；　I　fled　from　the　classroom—probably　destroying　
whatever　impression　of　politeness　I'd　halfway　constructed　in　the　course　of　the　hour。　
Again；　I　gasped　at　the　clean；　wet　air　outside　like　it　was　a　healing　attar。　　I　hurried　to　put　as　
much　distance　between　myself　and　the　girl　as　was　possible。　
Emmett　waited　for　me　outside　the　door　of　our　Spanish　class。　　He　read　my　wild　
expression　for　a　moment。　
How　did　it　go？　he　wondered　warily。　
〃Nobody　died；〃　I　mumbled。　
I　guess　that's　something。　　When　I　saw　Alice　ditching　there　at　the　end；　I　thought？　
？　2008　Stephenie　Meyer　
　
47　

As　we　walked　into　the　classroom；　I　saw　his　memory　from　just　a　few　moments　
ago；　seen　through　the　open　door　of　his　last　class：　Alice　walking　briskly　and　blank…faced　
across　the　grounds　toward　the　science　building。　　I　felt　his　remembered　urge　to　get　up　and　
join　her；　and　then　his　decision　to　stay。　　If　Alice　needed　his　help；　she　would　ask？　
I　closed　my　eyes　in　horror　and　disgust　as　I　slumped　into　my　seat。　　〃I　hadn't　
realized　that　it　was　that　close。　　I　didn't　think　I　was　going　to？I　didn't　see　that　it　was　that　
bad；〃　I　whispered。　
It　wasn't；　he　reassured　me。　　Nobody　died；　right？　
〃Right；〃　I　said　through　my　teeth。　　〃Not　this　time。〃　
Maybe　it　will　get　easier。　
〃Sure。〃　
Or；　maybe　you　kill　her。　　He　shrugged。　　You　wouldn't　be　the　first　one　to　mess　up。　
No　one　would　judge　you　too　harshly。　　Sometimes　a　person　just　smells　too　good。　　I'm　
impressed　you've　lasted　this　long。　
〃Not　helping；　Emmett。〃　
I　was　revolted　by　his　acceptance　of　the　idea　that　I　would　kill　the　girl；　that　this　was　
somehow　inevitable。　　Was　it　her　fault　that　she　smelled　so　good？　
I　know　when　it　happened　to　me？；　he　reminisced；　taking　me　back　with　him　half　a　
century；　to　a　country　lane　at　dusk；　where　a　middle…aged　women　was　taking　her　dried　
sheets　down　from　a　line　strung　between　apple　trees。　　The　scent　of　apples　hung　heavy　in　
the　air—the　harvest　was　over　and　the　rejected　fruits　were　scattered　on　the　ground；　the　
bruises　in　their　skin　leaking　their　fragrance　out　in　thick　clouds。　　A　fresh…mowed　field　of　
hay　was　a　background　to　that　scent；　a　harmony。　　He　walked　up　the　lane；　all　but　oblivious　
to　the　woman；　on　an　errand　for　Rosalie。　　The　sky　was　purple　overhead；　orange　over　the　
western　trees。　　He　would　have　continued　up　the　meandering　cart　path　and　there　would　
have　been　no　reason　to　remember　the　evening；　except　that　a　sudden　night　breeze　blew　the　
white　sheets　out　like　sails　and　fanned　the　woman's　scent　across　Emmett's　face。　
〃Ah；〃　I　groaned　quietly。　　As　if　my　own　remembered　thirst　was　not　enough。　
I　know。　　I　didn't　last　half　a　second。　　I　didn't　even　think　about　resisting。　
His　memory　became　far　too　explicit　for　me　to　stand。　
I　jumped　to　my　feet；　my　teeth　locked　hard　enough　cut　through　steel。　
？　2008　Stephenie　Meyer　
　
48　

〃Esta　bien；　Edward？〃　Senora　Goff　asked；　startled　by　my　sudden　movement。　　I　
could　see　my　face　in　her　mind；　and　I　knew　that　I　looked　far　from　well。　
〃Me　perdona；〃　I　muttered；　as　I　darted　for　the　door。　
〃Emmett—por　favor；　puedas　tu　ayuda　a　tu　hermano？〃　she　asked；　gesturing　
helplessly　toward　me　as　I　rushed　out　of　the　room。　
〃Sure；〃　I　heard　him　say。　　And　then　he　was　right　behind　me。　
He　followed　me　to　the　far　side　of　the　building；　where　he　caught　up　to　me　and　put　
his　hand　on　my　shoulder。　
I　shoved　his　hand　away　with　unnecessary　force。　　It　would　have　shattered　the　
bones　in　a　human　hand；　and　the　bones　in　the　arm　attached　to　it。　
〃Sorry；　Edward。〃　
〃I　know。〃　　I　drew　in　deep　gasps　of　air；　trying　to　clear　my　head　and　my　lungs。　
〃Is　it　as　bad　as　that？〃　he　asked；　trying　not　to　think　of　the　scent　and　the　flavor　of　
his　memory　as　he　asked；　and　not　quite　succeeding。　
〃Worse；　Emmett；　worse。〃　
He　was　quiet　for　a　moment。　
Maybe？　
〃No；　it　would　not　be　better　if　I　got　it　over　with。　　Go　back　to　class；　Emmett。　　I　want　
to　be　alone。〃　
He　turned　without　another　word　or　thought　and　walked　quickly　away。　　He　would　
tell　the　Spanish　teacher　that　I　was　sick；　or　ditching；　or　a　dangerously　out　of　control　
vampire。　　Did　his　excuse　really　matter？　　Maybe　I　wasn't　coming　back。　　Maybe　I　had　to　
leave。　
I　went　to　my　car　again；　to　wait　for　school　to　end。　　To　hide。　　Again。　
I　should　have　spent　the　time　making　decisions　or　trying　to　bolster　my　resolve；　but；　
like　an　addict；　I　found　myself　searching　through　the　babble　of　thoughts　emanating　from　
the　school　buildings。　　The　familiar　voices　stood　out；　but　I　wasn't　interested　in　listening　to　
Alice's　visions　or　Rosalie's　complaints　right　now。　　I　found　Jessica　easily；　but　the　girl　was　
not　with　her；　so　I　continued　searching。　　Mike　Newton's　thoughts　caught　my　attention；　and　
I　located　her　a