5 midnigh+sun-第20部分

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〃Why　are　you　doing　this　to　me？〃　I　groaned。　　My　head　fell　into　my　hands。　
I　was　not　Bella's　protector。　　I　could　not　be　that。　　Wasn't　Alice's　divided　future　
enough　proof　of　that？　
I　love　her；　too。　　Or　I　will。　　It's　not　the　same；　but　I　want　her　around　for　that。　
〃Love　her；　too？〃　I　whispered；　incredulous。　
She　sighed。　　You　are　so　blind；　Edward。　　Can't　you　see　where　you're　headed？　
Can't　you　see　where　you　already　are？　　It's　more　inevitable　than　the　sun　rising　in　the　east。　
See　what　I　see？　
I　shook　my　head；　horrified。　　〃No。〃　　I　tried　to　shut　out　the　visions　she　revealed　to　
me。　　〃I　don't　have　to　follow　that　course。　　I'll　leave。　　I　will　change　the　future。〃　
〃You　can　try；〃　she　said；　her　voice　skeptical。　
〃Oh；　come　on！〃　　Emmett　bellowed。　
〃Pay　attention；〃　Rose　hissed　at　him。　　〃Alice　sees　him　falling　for　a　human！　　How　
classically　Edward！〃　　She　made　a　gagging　sound。　
I　scarcely　heard　her。　
〃What？〃　Emmett　said；　startled。　　Then　his　booming　laugh　echoed　through　the　
room。　　〃Is　that　what's　been　going　on？〃　　He　laughed　again。　　〃Tough　break；　Edward。〃　
？　2008　Stephenie　Meyer　
　
87　

I　felt　his　hand　on　my　shoulder；　and　I　shook　it　off　absently。　　I　couldn't　pay　
attention　to　him。　
〃Fall　for　a　human？〃　Esme　repeated　in　a　stunned　voice。　　〃For　the　girl　he　saved　
today？　　Fall　in　love　with　her？〃　
〃What　do　you　see；　Alice？　　Exactly；〃　Jasper　demanded。　
She　turned　toward　him；　I　continued　to　stare　numbly　at　the　side　of　her　face。　
〃It　all　depends　on　whether　he　is　strong　enough　or　not。　　Either　he'll　kill　her　
himself〃　—she　turned　to　meet　my　gaze　again；　glaring—　〃which　would　really　irritate　me；　
Edward；　not　to　mention　what　it　would　do　to　you—〃　she　faced　Jasper　again；　〃or　she'll　be　
one　of　us　someday。〃　
Someone　gasped；　I　didn't　look　to　see　who。　
〃That's　not　going　to　happen！〃　　I　was　shouting　again。　　〃Either　one！〃　
Alice　didn't　seem　to　hear　me。　　〃It　all　depends；〃　she　repeated。　　〃He　may　be　just　
strong　enough　not　to　kill　her—but　it　will　be　close。　　It　will　take　an　amazing　amount　of　
control；〃　she　mused。　　〃More　even　than　Carlisle　has。　　He　may　be　just　strong　enough？　
The　only　thing　he's　not　strong　enough　to　do　is　stay　away　from　her。　　That's　a　lost　cause。〃　
I　couldn't　find　my　voice。　　No　one　else　seemed　to　be　able　to　either。　　The　room　was　
still。　
I　stared　at　Alice；　and　everyone　else　stared　at　me。　　I　could　see　my　own　horrified　
expression　from　five　different　viewpoints。　
After　a　long　moment；　Carlisle　sighed。　
〃Well；　this？complicates　things。〃　
〃I'll　say；〃　Emmett　agreed。　　His　voice　was　still　close　to　laughter。　　Trust　Emmett　to　
find　the　joke　in　the　destruction　of　my　life。　
〃I　suppose　the　plans　remain　the　same；　though；〃　Carlisle　said　thoughtfully。　　〃We'll　
stay；　and　watch。　　Obviously；　no　one　will？hurt　the　girl。〃　
I　stiffened。　
〃No；〃　Jasper　said　quietly。　　〃I　can　agree　to　that。　　If　Alice　sees　only　two　ways—〃　
〃No！〃　　My　voice　was　not　a　shout　or　a　growl　or　a　cry　of　despair；　but　some　
combination　of　the　three。　　〃No！〃　
？　2008　Stephenie　Meyer　
　
88　

I　had　to　leave；　to　be　away　from　the　noise　of　their　thoughts—Rosalie's　self…　
righteous　disgust；　Emmett's　humor；　Carlisle's　never　ending　patience？　
Worse：　Alice's　confidence。　　Jasper's　confidence　in　that　confidence。　
Worst　of　all：　Esme's？joy。　
I　stalked　out　of　the　room。　　Esme　touched　my　arm　as　I　passed；　but　I　didn't　
acknowledge　the　gesture。　
I　was　running　before　I　was　out　of　the　house。　　I　cleared　the　river　in　one　bound；　and　
raced　into　the　forest。　　The　rain　was　back　again；　falling　so　heavily　that　I　was　drenched　in　a　
few　moments。　　I　liked　the　thick　sheet　of　water—it　made　a　wall　between　me　and　the　rest　of　
the　world。　　It　closed　me　in；　let　me　be　alone。　
I　ran　due　east；　over　and　through　the　mountains　without　breaking　my　straight　
course；　until　I　could　see　the　lights　of　Seattle　on　the　other　side　of　the　sound。　　I　stopped　
before　I　touched　the　borders　of　human　civilization。　
Shut　in　by　the　rain；　all　alone；　I　finally　made　myself　look　at　what　I　had　done—at　
the　way　I　had　mutilated　the　future。　
First；　the　vision　of　Alice　and　the　girl　with　their　arms　around　each　other—the　trust　
and　friendship　was　so　obvious　it　shouted　from　the　image。　　Bella's　wide　chocolate　eyes　
were　not　bewildered　in　this　vision；　but　still　full　of　secrets—in　this　moment；　they　seemed　
to　be　happy　secrets。　　She　did　not　flinch　away　from　Alice's　cold　arm。　
What　did　it　mean？　　How　much　did　she　know？　　In　that　still…life　moment　from　the　
future；　what　did　she　think　of　me？　
Then　the　other　image；　so　much　the　same；　yet　now　colored　by　horror。　　Alice　and　
Bella；　their　arms　still　wrapped　around　each　other　in　trusting　friendship。　　But　now　there　
was　no　difference　between　those　arms—both　were　white；　smooth　as　marble；　hard　as　steel。　
Bella's　wide　eyes　were　no　longer　chocolate。　　The　irises　were　a　shocking；　vivid　crimson。　
The　secrets　in　them　were　unfathomable—acceptance　or　desolation？　　It　was　impossible　to　
tell。　　Her　face　was　cold　and　immortal。　
I　shuddered。　　I　could　not　suppress　the　questions；　similar；　but　different：　　What　did　it　
mean—how　had　this　come　about？　　And　what　did　she　think　of　me　now？　
I　could　answer　that　last　one。　　If　I　forced　her　into　this　empty　half…life　through　my　
weakness　and　selfishness；　surely　she　would　hate　me。　
？　2008　Stephenie　Meyer　
　
89　

But　there　was　one　more　horrifying　image—worse　than　any　image　I'd　ever　held　
inside　my　head。　
My　own　eyes；　deep　crimson　with　human　blood；　the　eyes　of　the　monster。　　Bella's　
broken　body　in　my　arms；　ashy　white；　drained；　lifeless。　　It　was　so　concrete；　so　clear。　
I　couldn't　stand　to　see　this。　　Could　not　bear　it。　　I　tried　to　banish　it　from　my　mind；　
tried　to　see　something　else；　anything　else。　　Tried　to　see　again　the　expression　on　her　living　
face　that　had　obstructed　my　view　for　the　last　chapter　of　my　existence。　　All　to　no　avail。　
Alice's　bleak　vision　filled　my　head；　and　I　writhed　internally　with　the　agony　it　
caused。　　Meanwhile；　the　monster　in　me　was　overflowing　with　glee；　jubilant　at　the　
likelihood　of　his　success。　　It　sickened　me。　
This　could　not　be　allowed。　　There　had　to　be　a　way　to　circumvent　the　future。　　I　
would　not　let　Alice's　visions　direct　me。　　I　could　choose　a　different　path。　　There　was　
always　a　choice。　
There　had　to　be。　
？　2008　Stephenie　Meyer　
　
90　
5。　Invitations　
High　school。　　Purgatory　no　longer；　it　was　now　purely　hell。　　Torment　and　fire？yes；　I　had　
both。　
I　was　doing　everything　correctly　now。　　Every　〃i〃　dotted；　every　〃t〃　crossed。　　No　
one　could　complain　that　I　was　shirking　my　responsibilities。　
To　please　Esme　and　protect　the　others；　I　stayed　in　Forks。　　I　returned　to　my　old　
schedule。　　I　hunted　no　more　than　the　rest　of　them。　　Everyday；　I　attended　high　school　and　
played　human。　　Everyday；　I　listened　carefully　for　anything　new　about　the　Cullens—there　
never　was　anything　new。　　The　girl　did　not　speak　one　word　of　her　suspicions。　　She　just　
repeated　the　same　story　again　and　again—I'd　been　standing　with　her　and　then　pulled　her　
out　of　the　way—till　her　eager　listeners　got　bored　and　stopped　looking　for　more　details。　
There　was　no　danger。　　My　hasty　action　had　hurt　no　one。　
No　one　but　myself。　
I　was　determined　to　change　the　future。　　Not　the　easiest　task　to　set　for　oneself；　but　
there　was　no　other　choice　that　I　could　live　with。　
Alice　said　that　I　would　not　be　strong　enough　to　stay　away　from　the　girl。　　I　would　
prove　her　wrong。　
I'd　thought　the　first　day　would　be　the　hardest。　　By　the　end　of　it；　I'd　been　sure　that　
was　the　case。　　I'd　been　wrong；　though。　
It　had　rankled；　knowing　that　I　would　hurt　the　girl。　　I'd　comforted　myself　with　the　
fact　that　her　pain　would　be　nothing　more　than　a　pinprick—just　a　tiny　sting　of　rejection—　
compared　to　mine。　　Bella　was　human；　and　she　knew　that　I　was　something　else；　something　
wrong；　something　frightening。　　She　would　probably　be　more　relieved　than　wounded　when　
I　turned　my　face　away　from　her　and　pretended　that　she　didn't　exist。　
〃Hello；　Edward；〃　she'd　greeted　me；　that　first　day　back　in　biology。　　Her　voice　had　
been　pleasant；　friendly；　one　hundred　and　eighty　degrees　from　the　last　time　I'd　spoken　
with　her。　
？　2008　Stephenie　Meyer　
　
91　

Why？　　What　did　the　change　mean？　　Had　she　forgotten？　　Decided　she　had　
imagined　the　whole　episode？　　Could　she　possibly　have　forgiven　me　for　not　following　
through　on　my　promise？　
The　questions　had　burned　like　the　thirst　that　attacked　me　every　time　I　breathed。　
Just　one　moment　to　look　in　her　eyes。　　Just　to　see　if　I　could　read　the　answers　
there？　
No。　　I　could　not　allow　myself　even　that。　　Not　if　I　was　going　to　change　the　future。　
I'd　moved　my　chin　an　inch　in　her　direction　without　looking　away　from　the　front　
of　the　room。　　I'd　nodded　once；　and　then　turned　my　face　straight　forward。　
She　did　not　speak　to　me　again。　
That　afternoon；　as　soon　as　school　was　finished；　my　role　played；　I　ran　to　Seattle　as　
I　had　the　day　before。　　It　seemed　that　I　could　handle　the　aching　just　slightly　better　when　I　
was　flying　over　the　ground；　turning　everything　around　me　into　a　green　blur。　
This　run　became　my　daily　habit。　
Did　I　love　her？　　I　did　not　think　so。　　Not　yet。　　Alice's　glimpses　of　that　future　had　
stuck　with　me；　though；　and　I　could　see　how　easy　it　would　be　to　fall　into　loving　Bella。　　It　
would　be　exactly　like　falling：　effortless。　　Not