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would　be　exactly　like　falling：　effortless。　　Not　letting　myself　love　her　was　the　opposite　of　
falling—it　was　pulling　myself　up　a　cliff…face；　hand　over　hand；　the　task　as　grueling　as　if　I　
had　no　more　than　mortal　strength。　
More　than　a　month　passed；　and　every　day　it　got　harder。　　That　made　no　sense　to　
me—I　kept　waiting　to　get　over　it；　to　have　it　get　easier。　　This　must　be　what　Alice　had　
meant　when　she'd　predicted　that　I　would　not　be　able　to　stay　away　from　the　girl。　　She　had　
seen　the　escalation　of　the　pain。　　But　I　could　handle　pain。　
I　would　not　destroy　Bella's　future。　　If　I　was　destined　to　love　her；　then　wasn't　
avoiding　her　the　very　least　I　could　do？　
Avoiding　her　was　about　the　limit　of　what　I　could　bear；　though。　　I　could　pretend　to　
ignore　her；　and　never　look　her　way。　　I　could　pretend　that　she　was　of　no　interest　to　me。　
But　that　was　the　extent；　just　pretense　and　not　reality。　
I　still　hung　on　every　breath　she　took；　every　word　she　said。　
I　lumped　my　torments　into　four　categories。　
？　2008　Stephenie　Meyer　
　
92　

The　first　two　were　familiar。　　Her　scent　and　her　silence。　　Or；　rather—to　take　the　
responsibility　on　myself　where　it　belonged—my　thirst　and　my　curiosity。　
The　thirst　was　the　most　primal　of　my　torments。　　It　was　my　habit　now　to　simply　not　
breathe　at　all　in　Biology。　　Of　course；　there　were　always　the　exceptions—when　I　had　to　
answer　a　question　or　something　of　the　sort；　and　I　would　need　my　breath　to　speak。　　Each　
time　I　tasted　the　air　around　the　girl；　it　was　the　same　as　the　first　day—fire　and　need　and　
brutal　violence　desperate　to　break　free。　　It　was　hard　to　cling　even　slightly　to　reason　or　
restraint　in　those　moments。　　And；　just　like　that　first　day；　the　monster　in　me　would　roar；　so　
close　to　the　surface？　
The　curiosity　was　the　most　constant　of　my　torments。　　The　question　was　never　out　
of　my　mind：　What　is　she　thinking　now？　　When　I　heard　her　quietly　sigh。　　When　she　
twisted　a　lock　of　hair　absently　around　her　finger。　　When　she　threw　her　books　down　with　
more　force　than　usual。　　When　she　rushed　to　class　late。　　When　she　tapped　her　foot　
impatiently　against　the　floor。　　Each　movement　caught　in　my　peripheral　vision　was　a　
maddening　mystery。　　When　she　spoke　to　the　other　human　students；　I　analyzed　her　every　
word　and　tone。　　Was　she　speaking　her　thoughts；　or　what　she　thought　she　should　say？　　It　
often　sounded　to　me　like　she　was　trying　to　say　what　her　audience　expected；　and　this　
reminded　me　of　my　family　and　our　daily　life　of　illusion—we　were　better　at　it　than　she　
was。　　Unless　I　wrong　about　that；　just　imagining　things。　　Why　would　she　have　to　play　a　
role？　　She　was　one　of　them—a　human　teenager。　
Mike　Newton　was　the　most　surprising　of　my　torments。　　Who　would　have　ever　
dreamed　that　such　a　generic；　boring　mortal　could　be　so　infuriating？　　To　be　fair；　I　should　
have　felt　some　gratitude　to　the　annoying　boy；　more　than　the　others；　he　kept　the　girl　
talking。　　I　learned　so　much　about　her　through　these　conversations—I　was　still　compiling　
my　list—but；　contrarily；　Mike's　assistance　with　this　project　only　aggravated　me　more。　　I　
didn't　want　Mike　to　be　the　one　that　unlocked　her　secrets。　　I　wanted　to　do　that。　
It　helped　that　he　never　noticed　her　small　revelations；　her　little　slips。　　He　knew　
nothing　about　her。　　He'd　created　a　Bella　in　his　head　that　didn't　exist—a　girl　just　as　
generic　as　he　was。　　He　hadn't　observed　the　unselfishness　and　bravery　that　set　her　apart　
from　other　humans；　he　didn't　hear　the　abnormal　maturity　of　her　spoken　thoughts。　　He　
didn't　perceive　that　when　she　spoke　of　her　mother；　she　sounded　like　a　parent　speaking　of　
？　2008　Stephenie　Meyer　
　
93　

a　child　rather　than　the　other　way　around—loving；　indulgent；　slightly　amused；　and　fiercely　
protective。　　He　didn't　hear　the　patience　in　her　voice　when　she　feigned　interest　in　his　
rambling　stories；　and　didn't　guess　at　the　kindness　behind　that　patience。　
Through　her　conversations　with　Mike；　I　was　able　to　add　the　most　important　
quality　to　my　list；　the　most　revealing　of　them　all；　as　simple　as　it　was　rare。　　Bella　was　
good。　　All　the　other　things　added　up　to　that　whole—kind　and　self…effacing　and　unselfish　
and　loving　and　brave—she　was　good　through　and　through。　
These　helpful　discoveries　did　not　warm　me　to　the　boy；　however。　　The　possessive　
way　he　viewed　Bella—as　if　she　were　an　acquisition　to　be　made—provoked　me　almost　as　
much　as　his　crude　fantasies　about　her。　　He　was　becoming　more　confident　of　her；　too；　as　
the　time　passed；　for　she　seemed　to　prefer　him　over　those　he　considered　his　rivals—Tyler　
Crowley；　Eric　Yorkie；　and　even；　sporadically；　myself。　　He　would　routinely　sit　on　her　side　
of　our　table　before　class　began；　chattering　at　her；　encouraged　by　her　smiles。　　Just　polite　
smiles；　I　told　myself。　　All　the　same；　I　frequently　amused　myself　by　imagining　
backhanding　him　across　the　room　and　into　the　far　wall？　　It　probably　wouldn't　injure　him　
fatally？　
Mike　didn't　often　think　of　me　as　a　rival。　　After　the　accident；　he'd　worried　that　
Bella　and　I　would　bond　from　the　shared　experience；　but　obviously　the　opposite　had　
resulted。　　Back　then；　he　had　still　been　bothered　that　I'd　singled　Bella　out　over　her　peers　
for　attention。　　But　now　I　ignored　her　just　as　thoroughly　as　the　others；　and　he　grew　
complacent。　
What　was　she　thinking　now？　　Did　she　welcome　his　attention？　
And；　finally；　the　last　of　my　torments；　the　most　painful：　Bella's　indifference。　　As　I　
ignored　her；　she　ignored　me。　　She　never　tried　to　speak　to　me　again。　　For　all　I　knew；　she　
never　thought　about　me　at　all。　
This　might　have　driven　me　mad—or　even　broken　my　resolution　to　change　the　
future—except　that　she　sometimes　stared　at　me　like　she　had　before。　　I　didn't　see　it　for　
myself；　as　I　could　not　allow　myself　to　look　at　her；　but　Alice　always　warned　us　when　she　
was　about　to　stare；　the　others　were　still　wary　of　the　girl's　problematic　knowledge。　
It　eased　some　of　the　pain　that　she　gazed　at　me　from　across　a　distance；　every　now　
and　then。　　Of　course；　she　could　just　be　wondering　what　kind　of　a　freak　I　was。　
？　2008　Stephenie　Meyer　
　
94　

〃Bella's　going　to　stare　at　Edward　in　a　minute。　　Look　normal；〃　Alice　said　one　
Tuesday　in　March；　and　the　others　were　careful　to　fidget　and　shift　their　weight　like　
humans；　absolute　stillness　was　a　marker　of　our　kind。　
I　paid　attention　to　how　often　she　looked　my　direction。　　It　pleased　me；　though　it　
should　not；　that　the　frequency　did　not　decline　as　the　time　passed。　　I　didn't　know　what　it　
meant；　but　it　made　me　feel　better。　
Alice　sighed。　　I　wish？　
〃Stay　out　of　it；　Alice；〃　I　said　under　my　breath。　　〃It's　not　going　to　happen。〃　
She　pouted。　　Alice　was　anxious　to　form　her　envisioned　friendship　with　Bella。　　In　a　
strange　way；　she　missed　the　girl　she　didn't　know。　
I'll　admit；　you're　better　than　I　thought。　　You've　got　the　future　all　snarled　up　and　
senseless　again。　　I　hope　you're　happy。　
〃It　makes　plenty　of　sense　to　me。〃　
She　snorted　delicately。　
I　tried　to　shut　her　out；　too　impatient　for　conversation。　　I　wasn't　in　a　very　good　
mood—tenser　than　I　let　any　of　them　see。　　Only　Jasper　was　aware　of　how　tightly　wound　I　
was；　feeling　the　stress　emanate　out　of　me　with　his　unique　ability　to　both　sense　and　
influence　the　moods　of　others。　　He　didn't　understand　the　reasons　behind　the　moods；　
though；　and—since　I　was　constantly　in　a　foul　mood　these　days—he　disregarded　it。　
Today　would　be　a　hard　one。　　Harder　than　the　day　before；　as　was　the　pattern。　
Mike　Newton；　the　odious　boy　whom　I　could　not　allow　myself　to　rival；　was　going　
to　ask　Bella　on　a　date。　
A　girl's　choice　dance　was　on　the　near　horizon；　and　he'd　been　hoping　very　much　
that　Bella　would　ask　him。　　That　she　had　not　done　so　had　rattled　his　confidence。　　Now　he　
was　in　an　uncomfortable　bind—I　enjoyed　his　discomfort　more　than　I　should—because　
Jessica　Stanley　had　just　asked　him　to　the　dance。　　He　didn't　want　to　say　〃yes；〃　still　hopeful　
that　Bella　would　choose　him　（and　prove　him　the　victor　over　his　rivals）；　but　he　didn't　want　
to　say　〃no〃　and　end　up　missing　the　dance　altogether。　　Jessica；　hurt　by　his　hesitation　and　
guessing　the　reason　behind　it；　was　thinking　daggers　at　Bella。　　Again；　I　had　the　instinct　to　
place　myself　between　Jessica's　angry　thoughts　and　Bella。　　I　understood　the　instinct　better　
now；　but　that　only　made　it　more　frustrating　when　I　could　not　act　on　it。　
？　2008　Stephenie　Meyer　
　
95　

To　think　it　had　come　to　this！　　I　was　utterly　fixated　on　the　petty　high　school　dramas　
that　I'd　once　held　so　in　contempt。　
Mike　was　working　up　his　nerve　as　he　walked　Bella　to　biology。　　I　listened　to　his　
struggles　as　I　waited　for　them　to　arrive。　　The　boy　was　weak。　　He　had　waited　for　this　dance　
purposely；　afraid　to　make　his　infatuation　known　before　she　had　shown　a　marked　
preference　for　him。　　He　didn't　want　to　make　himself　vulnerable　to　rejection；　preferring　
that　she　make　that　leap　first。　
Coward。　
He　sat　down　on　our　table　again；　comfortable　with　long　familiarity；　and　I　imagined　
the　sound　it　would　make　if　his　body　hit　the　opposite　wall　with　enough　force　to　break　most　
of　his　bones。　
〃So；〃　he　said　to　the　girl；　his　eyes　on　the　floor。　　〃Jessica　asked　me　to　the　spring　
dance。〃　
〃That's　great；〃　Bella　answered　immediately　and　with　enthusiasm。　　It　was　hard　not