5 midnigh+sun-第38部分

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already　running　toward　the　car。　
〃Get　in；〃　I　snarled。　
What　the　hell？　
Knew　this　was　a　bad　idea！　　She's　not　alone。　
Should　I　run？　
Think　I'm　going　to　throw　up？　
Bella　jumped　through　the　open　door　without　hesitating；　pulling　the　door　shut　
behind　her。　
？　2008　Stephenie　Meyer　
　
173　

And　then　she　looked　up　at　me　with　the　most　trustful　expression　I　had　ever　seen　on　
a　human　face；　and　all　my　violent　plans　crumbled。　
It　took　much；　much　less　than　a　second　for　me　to　see　that　I　could　not　leave　her　in　
the　car　in　order　to　deal　with　the　four　men　in　the　street。　　What　would　I　tell　her；　not　to　
watch？　　Ha！　　When　did　she　ever　do　what　I　asked？　　When　did　she　ever　do　the　safe　thing？　
Would　I　drag　them　away；　out　of　her　sight；　and　leave　her　alone　here？　　It　was　a　long　
shot　that　another　dangerous　human　would　be　prowling　the　streets　of　Port　Angeles　tonight；　
but　it　was　a　long　shot　that　there　was　even　the　first！　　Like　a　magnet；　she　drew　all　things　
dangerous　toward　herself。　　I　could　not　let　her　out　of　my　sight。　
It　would　feel　like　part　of　the　same　motion　to　her　as　I　accelerated；　taking　her　away　
from　her　pursuers　so　quickly　that　they　gaped　after　my　car　with　uncomprehending　
expressions。　　She　would　not　recognize　my　instant　of　hesitation。　　She　would　assume　the　
plan　was　escape　from　the　beginning。　
I　couldn't　even　hit　him　with　my　car。　　That　would　frighten　her。　
I　wanted　his　death　so　savagely　that　the　need　for　it　rang　in　my　ears　and　clouded　my　
sight　and　was　a　flavor　on　my　tongue。　　My　muscles　were　coiled　with　the　urgency；　the　
craving；　the　necessity　of　it。　　I　had　to　kill　him。　　I　would　peel　him　slowly　apart；　piece　by　
piece；　skin　from　muscle；　muscle　from　bone？　
Except　that　the　girl—the　only　girl　in　the　world—was　clinging　to　her　seat　with　
both　hands；　staring　at　me；　her　eyes　still　wide　and　utterly　trusting。　Vengeance　would　have　
to　wait。　
〃Put　on　your　seatbelt；〃　I　ordered。　　My　voice　was　rough　with　the　hate　and　
bloodlust。　　Not　the　usual　bloodlust。　　I　would　not　sully　myself　by　taking　any　part　of　that　
man　inside　me。　
She　locked　the　seatbelt　into　place；　jumping　slightly　at　the　sound　it　made。　　That　
little　sound　made　her　jump；　yet　she　did　not　flinch　as　I　tore　through　the　town；　ignoring　all　
traffic　guides。　　I　could　feel　her　eyes　on　me。　　She　seemed　oddly　relaxed。　　It　didn't　make　
sense　to　me—not　with　what　she'd　just　been　through。　
〃Are　you　okay？〃　she　asked；　her　voice　rough　with　stress　and　fear。　
She　wanted　to　know　if　I　was　okay？　
？　2008　Stephenie　Meyer　
　
174　

I　thought　about　her　question　for　a　fraction　of　a　second。　　Not　long　enough　for　her　to　
notice　the　hesitation。　　Was　I　okay？　
〃No；〃　I　realized；　and　my　tone　seethed　with　rage。　
I　took　her　to　the　same　unused　drive　where　I'd　spent　the　afternoon　engaged　in　the　
poorest　surveillance　ever　kept。　　It　was　black　now　under　the　trees。　
I　was　so　furious　that　my　body　froze　in　place　there；　utterly　motionless。　　My　ice…　
locked　hands　ached　to　crush　her　attacker；　to　grind　him　into　pieces　so　mangled　that　his　
body　could　never　be　identified？。　
But　that　would　entail　leaving　her　here　alone；　unprotected　in　the　dark　night。　
〃Bella？〃　I　asked　through　my　teeth。　
〃Yes？〃　she　responded　huskily。　　She　cleared　her　throat。　
〃Are　you　all　right？〃　　That　was　really　the　most　important　thing；　the　first　priority。　
Retribution　was　secondary。　　I　knew　that；　but　my　body　was　so　filled　with　rage　that　it　was　
hard　to　think。　
〃Yes。〃　　Her　voice　was　still　thick—with　fear；　no　doubt。　
And　so　I　could　not　leave　her。　
Even　if　she　wasn't　at　constant　risk　for　some　infuriating　reason—some　joke　the　
universe　was　playing　on　me—even　if　I　could　be　sure　that　she　would　be　perfectly　safe　in　
my　absence；　I　could　not　leave　her　alone　in　the　dark。　
She　must　be　so　frightened。　
Yet　I　was　in　no　condition　to　comfort　her—even　if　I　knew　exactly　how　that　was　to　
be　accomplished；　which　I　did　not。　　Surely　she　could　feel　the　brutality　radiating　out　of　me；　
surely　that　much　was　obvious。　　I　would　frighten　her　even　more　if　I　could　not　calm　the　lust　
for　slaughter　boiling　inside　me。　
I　needed　to　think　about　something　else。　
〃Distract　me；　please；〃　I　pleaded。　
〃I'm　sorry；　what？〃　
I　barely　had　enough　control　to　try　to　explain　what　I　needed。　
〃Just　prattle　about　something　unimportant　until　I　calm　down；〃　I　instructed；　my　
jaw　still　locked。　　Only　the　fact　that　she　needed　me　held　me　inside　the　car。　　I　could　hear　the　
？　2008　Stephenie　Meyer　
　
175　

man's　thoughts；　his　disappointment　and　anger？　　I　knew　where　to　find　him？　　I　closed　
my　eyes；　wishing　that　I　couldn't　see　anyway？　
〃Um？〃　　She　hesitated—trying　to　make　sense　of　my　request；　I　imagined。　　〃I'm　
going　to　run　over　Tyler　Crowley　tomorrow　before　school？〃　　She　said　this　like　it　was　a　
question。　
Yes—this　was　what　I　needed。　　Of　course　Bella　would　come　up　with　something　
unexpected。　　Like　it　had　been　before；　the　threat　of　violence　coming　through　her　lips　was　
hilarious—so　comical　it　was　jarring。　　If　I　had　not　been　burning　with　the　urge　to　kill；　I　
would　have　laughed。　
〃Why？〃　I　barked　out；　to　force　her　to　speak　again。　
〃He's　telling　everyone　that　he's　taking　me　to　prom；〃　she　said；　her　voice　filled　
with　her　tiger…kitten　outrage。　　〃Either　he's　insane　or　he's　still　trying　to　make　up　for　
almost　killing　me　last？well　you　remember　it；〃　she　inserted　dryly；　〃and　he　thinks　prom　is　
somehow　the　correct　way　to　do　this。　　So　I　figure　if　I　endanger　his　life；　then　we're　even；　
and　he　can't　keep　trying　to　make　amends。　　I　don't　need　enemies　and　maybe　Lauren　would　
back　off　if　he　left　me　alone。　　I　might　have　to　total　his　Sentra；　though；〃　she　went　on；　
thoughtful　now。　　〃If　he　doesn't　have　a　ride　he　can't　take　anyone　to　prom？〃　
It　was　encouraging　to　see　that　she　sometimes　got　things　wrong。　　Tyler's　
persistence　had　nothing　to　do　with　the　accident。　　She　didn't　seem　to　understand　the　appeal　
she　held　for　the　human　boys　at　the　high　school。　　Did　she　not　see　the　appeal　she　had　for　
me；　either？　
Ah；　it　was　working。　　The　baffling　processes　of　her　mind　were　always　engrossing。　
I　was　beginning　to　gain　control　of　myself；　to　see　something　beyond　vengeance　and　
torture？　
〃I　heard　about　that；〃　I　told　her。　　She　had　stopped　talking；　and　I　needed　her　to　
continue。　
〃You　did？〃　she　asked　incredulously。　　And　then　her　voice　was　angrier　than　before。　
〃If　he's　paralyzed　from　the　neck　down；　he　can't　go　to　the　prom　either。〃　
I　wished　there　was　someway　I　could　ask　her　to　continue　with　the　threats　of　death　
and　bodily　harm　with　out　sounding　insane。　　She　couldn't　have　picked　a　better　way　to　
？　2008　Stephenie　Meyer　
　
176　

calm　me。　　And　her　words—just　sarcasm　in　her　case；　hyperbole—were　a　reminder　I　dearly　
needed　in　this　moment。　
I　sighed；　and　opened　my　eyes。　
〃Better？〃　she　asked　timidly。　
〃Not　really。〃　
No；　I　was　calmer；　but　not　better。　　Because　I'd　just　realized　that　I　could　not　kill　the　
monster　named　Lonnie；　and　I　still　wanted　that　more　than　almost　anything　else　in　the　
world。　　Almost。　
The　only　thing　in　this　moment　that　I　wanted　more　than　to　commit　a　highly　
justifiable　murder；　was　this　girl。　　And；　though　I　couldn't　have　her；　just　the　dream　of　
having　her　made　it　impossible　for　me　to　go　on　a　killing　spree　tonight—no　matter　how　
defensible　such　a　thing　might　be。　
Bella　deserved　better　than　a　killer。　
I'd　spent　seven　decades　trying　to　be　something　other　than　that—anything　other　
than　a　killer。　　Those　years　of　effort　could　never　make　me　worthy　of　the　girl　sitting　beside　
me。　　And　yet；　I　felt　that　if　I　returned　to　that　life—the　life　of　a　killer—for　even　one　night；　I　
would　surely　put　her　out　of　my　reach　forever。　　Even　if　I　didn't　drink　their　blood—even　if　
I　didn't　have　that　evidence　blazing　red　in　my　eyes—wouldn't　she　sense　the　difference？　
I　was　trying　to　be　good　enough　for　her。　　It　was　an　impossible　goal。　　I　would　keep　
trying。　
〃What's　wrong？〃　she　whispered。　
Her　breath　filled　my　nose；　and　I　was　reminded　why　I　could　not　deserve　her。　　After　
all　of　this；　even　with　as　much　as　I　loved　her？she　still　made　my　mouth　water。　
I　would　give　her　as　much　honesty　as　I　could。　　I　owed　her　that。　
〃Sometimes　I　have　a　problem　with　my　temper；　Bella。〃　　I　stared　out　into　the　black　
night；　wishing　both　that　she　would　hear　the　horror　inherent　in　my　words　and　also　that　she　
would　not。　　Mostly　that　she　would　not。　　Run；　Bella；　run。　　Stay；　Bella；　stay。　　〃But　it　
wouldn't　be　helpful　for　me　to　turn　around　and　hunt　down　those？〃　　Just　thinking　about　it　
almost　pulled　me　from　the　car。　　I　took　a　deep　breath；　letting　her　scent　scorch　down　my　
throat。　　〃At　least；　that's　what　I'm　trying　to　convince　myself。〃　
〃Oh。〃　
？　2008　Stephenie　Meyer　
　
177　

She　said　nothing　else。　　How　much　had　she　heard　in　my　words？　　I　glanced　at　her　
furtively；　but　her　face　was　unreadable。　　Blank　with　shock；　perhaps。　　Well；　she　wasn't　
screaming。　　Not　yet。　
It　was　quiet　for　a　moment。　　I　warred　with　myself；　trying　to　be　what　I　should　be。　
What　I　couldn't　be。　
〃Jessica　and　Angela　will　be　worried；〃　she　said　quietly。　　Her　voice　was　very　calm；　
and　I　was　not　sure　how　that　could　be。　　Was　she　in　shock？　　Maybe　tonight's　events　hadn't　
sunk　in　for　her　yet。　　〃I　was　supposed　to　meet　them。〃　
Did　she　want　to　be　away　from　me？　　Or　was　she　just　worried　about　her　friends'　
worry？　
I　didn't　answer　her；