ericlustbader.the ninja-第85部分

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explain　it　to　himself？
　'It's　e　down　to　that　fight　you　two　had　in　the　dojo；'　she　said　cannily。　'It's　like　you　have　each　other　by　the　throat　and　neither　of　you　will　let　go。　You'll　destroy　each　other　that　way；　don't　you　see？　One　of　you　has　to　let　go；　otherwise　。。。　Why　can't　it　be　you？'
　'There's　a　matter　of　honour。'　He　only　knew　it　now；　a　revelation　like　the　sun　as　it　first　slips　over　the　horizon；　beginning　to　defeat　the　long　night's　chill。
　'Oh；　don't　give　me　that　one；'　she　said　shortly。　'That　kind　of　honour　went　out　of　style　a　long　time　ago。'
　How　little　she　must　understand　of　life；　he　thought。　'For　some　of　us；　it's　never　gone　out　of　style。'
　'For　the　samurai；'　she　said　tartly。　'The　elite　of　Japan。　The　warriors　who　hurl　themselves　unhesitatingly　into　battle。　Who　live　to　die　in　bat？'　She　laughed；　a　harsh；　disforting　sound。　'Now　who　needs　a　strong　dose　of　reality？　You're　the　same；　the　two　of　you。　Two　rabid　dogs　who'll　worry　a　leg　off　before　they'll　give　up　and　let　go。'
　'Not　the　same；'　he　said。　'Not　the　same　at　all。　Saigo　hates　everything　I　stand　for。　My　mixed　blood；　my　love　of　Japan　bined　with　my　abominable　Caucasian　features。　It　rankles　him　that　someone　who　looks　the　way　I　do　should　be　better　than　him　at　anything；　especially　something　so　important　as　bujutsu。'
　'Important？　What's　so　goddamned　important　about　bujutsu？　What　has　any　of　that　to　do　with　living；　with　feeling　…'
　'You're　a　good　one　to　talk　about　that。'　Knew　it　was　the　wrong　thing　to　say　as　soon　as　it　was　out　of　his　mouth。　He　saw　the　look　on　her　face；　said；　reaching　out　for　her；　'I'm　sorry。　You　know　I　didn't　mean　…'
　'Oh；　you　meant　it；　Nicholas。　I'm　quite　certain　of　that。　And　you've　a　right　to　say　it；　I　guess。　I've　been　frightened　these　last　few　days　and　now　you　know　how　I　get　when　I'm　frightened。　You've　made　me　feel　…　something　…　I　was　sure　was　impossible　for　me。　I　still　don't　quite　…　well；　part　of　the　time　I　want　to　run　away　from　you　and　hide　and　never　see　another　human　being　for　the　rest　of　my　life。　Is　it　okay　to　trust　you？　I　keep　asking　myself。　Isn't　it　just　my　cunt　and　my　mouth　he's　after？　But　then　I　think；　he's　already　got　those　so　why　go　into　this　at　all？　It　must　be　real　even　though　every　instinct　that's　still　functioning　tells　me　it's　not。　The　past　dies　very　slowly。　I　keep　hearing　echoes　all　around　me。　When　you　talk　to　me；　say　things；　I　hear　what　you're　saying　but；　in　my　mind；　other　meanings；　hidden　and　secretive　like　invisible　hieroglyphics；　burn　themselves　into　my　brain　and　I　hear　two　different　things　and　I　begin　a　debate　as　to　which　of　those　signals　is　the　real　one；　the　one　you　mean　for　me　to　hear。'　She　looked　at　him。　'Does　any　of　this　make　any　sense　to　you？〃
　'I　think　so。'
　'I　see　it　doesn't。'　Her　eyes　were　so　bright　they　seemed　to　glitter　despite　the　lack　of　any　direct　light。　'I　suppose　I　am　trying　to　tell　you　I　love　you。'
　Her　arms　were　around　his　neck；　though　how　they　had　got　there　he　had　no　idea。　Hadn't　they　been　at　her　sides　just　a　moment　ago？　Had　there　been　any　movement　since　then？　What　was　happening？
　They　kissed　in　a　kind　of　timeless　moment　where　even　their　breath　hung　suspended；　condensed　clouds　on　a　chill　winter's　morning。
　They　took　their　bags　down　to　the　ferryboat　ticket…taker's；　a　ramshackle　wooden　building　no　larger　than　an　outhouse　with　an　arched　window　in　its　front；　glassless　and　inadequately　hooded　against　inclement　weather。　One　could　easily　freeze　to　death　within　such　a　place。
　A　young　boy　in　his　late　teens　took　the　two　rail　ticket　passes　Nicholas　handed　him；　stamped　and　punched　them　in　several　places；　handed　them　back。
　'The　next　ferry　sails　in　seven　minutes；'　he　told　them。　Even　here；　in　such　an　out…of…the…way　town；　there　was　the　typical　Japanese　concern　with　punctuality。
　Yukio　was　unnaturally　quiet　until　they　cast　off。　But　once　they　were　moving；　her　melancholy　seemed　to　slip　away。　'Perhaps　there　will　be　a　new　show　in　town；'　she　said　gaily。　'Or　a　riding　stable。　We　could　picnic　and　ride　all　afternoon。'　It　was　as　if　the　episode　on　the　near　shore　had　never　occurred。　Still；　Nicholas　was　disturbed　in　its　wake。
　Behind　them；　Shimonoseki　drifted　away　like　a　dream；　beyond　the　churning　white　wake　of　the　ferry。　Gulls　swung　gracefully　across　their　bow；　wheeling　obliquely　like　a　fighter　squadron；　calling　plaintively　to　each　other。
　They　passed；　quite　close　it　seemed　in　the　mist；　a　pair　of　fishing　boats　lying　low　in　the　swells；　their　black　nets　hauled　up　the　masts　like　a　moron's　idea　of　a　sail。　A　young　boy　on　one　of　the　boats　waved　excitedly　as　the　ferry　passed　him　by　but　there　were　none　aboard；　it　seemed；　inclined　to　return　the　gesture。
　Nicholas's　gaze　shifted　subtly　to　regard　Yukio　beside　him。　Her　head　was　thrown　back　as　if　to　catch　the　wan　sunlight　on　the　wide　planes　of　her　cheekbones；　her　hair　flying　to　one　side；　a　raven's　spread　wing。　The　long　line　of　her　neck　was　exposed；　shadowed　softly　because　of　the　thrust　of　her　chin　in　this　position。　The　hard　jut　of　her　breasts。　Was　it　his　imagination　or　could　he　see　the　slight　protrusions　of　her　nipples　as　they　poked；　erect；　through　the　lace　of　her　bra？
　'Why　is　it；　do　you　think；　that　Satsugai　is　afraid　of　the　Colonel？'
　The　wind　tore　at　her　words；　flinging　over　the　ferry's　side；　out　towards　the　bobbing　fishing　boats；　mere　black　points　now；　misting　to　dull　grey；　and　for　a　moment　he　was　not　sure　he　had　heard　her　right。
　'I　was　not　aware　that　he　was。'
　She　turned　towards　him；　studied　his　face。　'Oh；　yes。　But　of　course。　You　mean　you　haven't　noticed　it？　Well；　I　suppose　I　shouldn't　be　so　surprised；　really。　I've　spent　more　time　with　him　than　you　have。'
　They　argue　a　lot。'　He　put　his　elbows　along　the　railing；　leaned　overboard。　He　felt　her　hand　on　his　arm。
　'Don't　do　that。　Please。'　She　laughed。　'If　you　fell　in　I'd　have　to　go　in　after　you　and　I　hate　the　water。〃　'Water　and　trains。'
　'Water　worse　than　anything。　I　don't　mind　being　near　it。　I　like　that；　in　fact。　I'm　just　terrified　by　the　tides　and　undertow　and　that。'
　'About　Satsugai；'　he　said。　'He　and　my　father　are　from　the　opposite　sides　of　the　tracks；　politically　speaking。　But　that's；　well；　just　talk。'
　'Do　you　imagine　that　they　would　be　together　if　it　were　not　for　Itami　and　your　mother？'
　He　looked　at　the　water；　dark　and　light。　'No；　I　don't　suppose　so。'
　'Right。　Well；　I　know　Satsugai。　That　kind　of　hate　only　stems　from　fear　and　let　me　tell　you　he　is　not　a　man　who　is　easily　frightened。　Whatever　the　Colonel　has　on　him　is　potent　indeed。'
　'I　think　it's　just　that　Satsugai；　being　in　the　zaibutsu；　was　under　suspicion　as　a　war　criminal　for　a　time。　You　know；　during　the　purges　when　the　Americans　disbanded　the　traditional　family　structure　of　the　zaibatsu。　My　father　intervened　on　Satsugai's　behalf。　I　don't　know　the　details　but　that　kind　of　debt　would　be　a　heavy　burden　for　Satsugai　to　bear。'
　'Yes。　He　prides　himself　on　owing　no　one　and　he's　more　powerful　now　than　he　was　during　the　war。'　She　shook　her　head。　'To　think　that's　due　in　part　to　the　Colonel。'
　'It's　family。　That's　something　my　mother　is　adamant　about。　Politics　are　relatively　unimportant　next　to　that。　Next　to　my　father　and　me；　Itami　is　her　sole　family。　There　is　nothing　they　wouldn't　do　for　one　another。'
　The　fog　closed　in　on　them　and　the　day　turned　chill。　The　ferry's　deep　horn　sounded　at　regular　intervals；　hoarse　and　mournful。　The　gulls　had　gone　and　now　it　was　even　impossible　to　see　the　water。　They　might　have　been　skimming　through　the　air。　The　whiteness　seemed　stifling。　There　was　no　breeze　to　speak　of。　They　heard　voices；　muffled　and　odd　sounding；　from　the　ferry's　far　side　as　if　ing　to　them　from　across　a　vast　and　unfathomable　gulf。
　All　at　once　the　land　loomed　before　them　out　of　the　intense　mist　and；　with　only　a　slight　bump；　the　ferry　docked　against　the　jute…covered　slip。　Nicholas　wondered　how　the　captain　had　seen　his　way　across。　They　could　hear　the　creak　of　the　pilings。　Then　a　dog　began　to　bark　hysterically。
　To　Nicholas　the　train　ride　to　Kumamoto　seemed　interminable　even　though　it　took　merely　a　fraction　of　the　time　it　had　taken　for　the　bulk　of　the　journey。　Perhaps　the　fog　had　something　to　do　with　it；　but　he　felt　now　a　kind　of　desperate　longing　to　know　what　it　was　that　had　brought　Saigo　down　here。　Kansatsu　had　been　concerned　about　it。　He　realized　that　now；　so　belatedly。　The　sensei　would　never　have　e　out　and　said　such　a　thing；　merely　implied　it。　But　what　could　it　be　about　Saigo's　visits　here　that　would　be　so　disturbing？　And　why　should　it　concern　Kansatsu　at　all？　These　questions　gnawed　at　him　as　they　rode　across　Kyushu　and　he　wished　with　all　his　might　that　he　had　the　answers　but；　of　course；　that　was　a　useless　wish。　In　fact；　any　wish；　Cheong　had　told　him　more　than　once；　is　useless。　'If　you　want　something　badly　enough；'　she　had　said；　'then　you　must　do　it。　Those　who　sit　and　wish　for　things　acplish　nothing。'
　Abruptly；　he　felt　resentment　welling　up　inside　him　for　that　part　of　him　which　was　Western　in　nature。　But　even　so；　he　knew　that　that　was　his　turbulent　side；　filled　with　energy　and　longing；　impatience　and　changeability。　It　was；　in　short；　what　made　him　different。
　Yukio；　as　usual；　was　filled　with　lust　and；　in　the　jouncing；　empty　car；　she　sat　on　his　lap；　lifting　her　skirt　up　and　making　the　hot　connection。　Neither　of　them　needed　to　move　at　all。
　Kumamoto　wa