dclegg.purity-第9部分

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up　there；　a　week　or　two　early；　and　I'd　only　just　e　home　from　finals。
　I　have　always　gone　to　Outerbridge　Island　since　I　was　about　four；　and　I　never　miss　a　summer　there。　It's　what　I　look　forward　to　after　a　tough　year　in　school；　and　since　I　would　turn　eighteen　over　the　summer　and　I　had　just　finished　school　…　but　I'd　be　entering　Sarah　Lawrence　in　September　…　I　really　wanted　to　enjoy　what　time　I　had　left　to　just　be　a　kid。
　Daddy　was　in　one　of　his　moods；　though；　and　I　suspect　that　woman　he　knows　was　part　of　it。　Mom　told　me　all　about　that　woman　when　she　gave　me　the　speech　about　sex　and　life　and　marriage　when　I　was　fourteen。　〃Men　have　problems　with　their　bodies；〃　she　said；　looking　only　a　little　embarrassed。　〃They　all　cheat。　It's　just　something　we　put　up　with　if　we　can。　It's　nothing　about　love。
　Don't　even　think　that。　It's　just　their　biology。　They　have　their　good　sides　and　their　bad　sides。　And　there　are　plenty　of　bad　women；　too；〃　she　added。　〃Like　that　woman。〃
　That　woman　lived　in　Brooklyn；　in　a　brownstone　that　my　father　had　bought　for　her　in　the　1970s。　I　took　the　subway　out　to　it　once；　and　stood　on　the　steps　in　front；　looking　through　the　windows。　That　woman　had　a　nice　chandelier　and　some　paintings　on　the　walls　but　it　was　a　fairly　plain　house　in　Park　Slope。　I　sort　of　think　I　saw　a　little　of　her；　too；　walking　up　the　street。　She　wasn't　even　pretty；　which　was　sort　of　what　amazed　me。　She　wasn't　like　my　mother。　She　was　tall；　with　big　feet；　and　red　hair　that　needed　some　kind　of　style。
　Her　face　was　nothing　like　my　mothers；　nothing　like　the　women　I　knew；　she　looked　sort　of　round　and　plain。
　I　don't　really　know　if　it　was　that　woman　I　saw；　but　I　suspect　it　was。
　So；　just　after　high　school　graduation；　I　was　all　ready　to　go　to　the　island；　but　Daddy　was　just　moody　and　told　me　that　I　needed　to　stay　because　of　Jimmy；　who　was　supposed　to　have　been　in　town。
　All　right；　Jimmy　McTeague。　He's　a　tennis　player　who　goes　to　Wimbledon　every　year；　he's　practically　a　National　champion；　and　his　father　owns　McTeague　Sports；　the　chain；　although　I　never　understand　why　they　don't　have　stores　in　Manhattan。　I　met　Jimmy　when　he　was　at　Exeter；　at　some　dance；　and　I　was　just　thinking　he　was　cute。　Marnie　called　him　the　Leech　for　some　reason　which　I　didn't　quite　understand；　but　I　knew　there　was　something　interesting　about　him。　He　lived　a　different　life　than　me；　and　I　never　really　saw　myself　with　that　kind　of　Midwestern　jock…type。　He　was　always　sweating；　too；　which　I　guess　goes　with　the　whole　athletic　thing；　but　not　something　that's　pleasant　to　be　around　an　hour　after　a　match。
　Still；　by　the　time　I　was　seventeen；　I　really　liked　Jimmy。　And　no；　I　had　no　thoughts　of　marriage　or　anything　like　that。　We　hadn't　actually　even　been　intimate　or　anything；　just　held　hands　a　lot　and　went　to　dances　and　out　to　dinner。　When　I　debuted；　Jimmy　shared　the　drudgery　of　that　awful　debutante　season　by　being　my　escort；　when　I　was　really　pissed　off　over　not　getting　into　Columbia；　Jimmy　actually　flew　in　from　the　West　Coast　…　where　he　had　some　important　tennis　match　…　and　took　me　out　to　dinner。
　Then；　the　night　after　I　would　normally　go　to　the　island；　Jimmy　told　me　we　could　sail　there　in　this　little　boat　he　kept　in　Greenwich　at　the　club。　And　that　first　night　on　the　boat；　I　became　a　woman。　We　drank　too　many　glasses　of　Chardonnay；　and　one　thing　led　to　another。　Jimmy　was　never　very　aggressive　in　bed。　He　was　kind　of　shy　that　way。　So　I　pretty　much　had　to　seduce　him；　but　once　we　both　closed　our　eyes　and　let　our　bodies　take　over；　we　knew　how　to　make　love。
　And　it　really　was　love。　It　really　was。　I　felt　it。　We　spent　that　first　night　on　the　boat。　We　got　into　the　harbor　at　about　twelve　or　one　in　the　morning；　and　just　slept　together　in　the　little　bed。　He　snored　sweetly。　Not　a　hacking　or　sawing　snore；　but　like　a　puppy　dreaming。　He　did　say　something　funny　to　me　in　the　morning；　something　that　struck　me　as　odd；　something　about　how　maybe　now　we　could　think　more　about　the　future　now　that　we'd　mated；　and　I　laughed　at　him　and　he　looked　a　little　angry　when　I　laughed。
　All　right；　I　knew　that　maybe　there　would　be　trouble　with　Owen　when　I　saw　him　on　the　jetty　when　we　got　off　the　boat　the　next　day。　He　looked　like　he'd　been　waiting　there　all　night。
　Like　he'd　been　watching　us。
　The　little　turd。　He　really　was。　I　care　a　lot　for　him；　of　course。　We've　known　each　other　since　we　were　both　kids。　He's　the　son　of　the　gardener。　His　mother　sometimes　helps　out　with　parties　and　laundry　and　other　things。　He's　cute；　which　helps；　too；　because　although　I　have　nothing　against　boys　that　aren't　very　good　looking；　there's　something　about　a　good　looking　one　that　just　makes　you　want　him　around　all　the　time。
　So　I'm　barely　dressed；　some　tacky　beach　towel　around　me　basically；　and　there's　Owen　at　the　shore　seeing　both　of　us　ing　up　from　the　boat　and　the　first　thing　he　says　to　me　is；　〃What　happened？〃
　I　felt　all　nervous　and　even　giggly　like　I　needed　a　cigarette。　I　told　him　I　didn't　want　to　see　my　mother　for　a　day　or　two。　And　then　Jimmy　just　took　over；　like　he　always　does。　He　has　this　way　with　guys　…　he　always　gets　them　on　his　side。　Jimmy　gave　him　a　nickname　and　acted　like　Owen　was　Jimmy's　kid　brother　and　they　just　seemed　to　get　along　fine。　It　was　like　they'd　known　each　other　all　their　lives；　in　about　five　minutes。　Owen　seemed　to　like　all　the　ribbing　and　you　know　that　sort　of　adolescent　boy…talk　they　do。　You　know　that。　That　way　boys　have　of　getting　together　and　sort　of　sparring；　and　talking；　and　noticing　each　other's　hair；　or　how　one　of　them　is　sad；　and　they　either　peck　it　to　death　or　get　all　brotherly。　I　saw　it　with　Jimmy　and　his　best　friends　at　Exeter；　too。　The　way　they　played　like　puppies。　That's　just　what　it　was　like　…　like　watching　two　golden　retrievers　wrestle　over　a　bone。
　I　didn't　see　Owen　much　during　June。　I　guess　he　got　the　job　down　in　town。　Sometimes　I　saw　him　when　we　went　to　the　Salty　Dog；　but　he　never　waited　on　our　table。　Jimmy　was　virtually　attached　at　the　hip　with　me；　which　can　get　annoying　no　matter　how　much　you　care　for　a　guy。　I　used　to　try　and　lose　him　in　the　mornings；　after　he'd　go　off　to　play　his　beloved　tennis　with　one　of　the　local　pros　or　with　my　mother。　My　mother　is　excellent　at　sports；　which　are　pretty　much　not　my　thing。　I　like　golf　a　little；　and　sometimes　I　like　to　swim；　but　the　whole　girl…jock　thing　is　beyond　me。
　So　Jimmy　would　slip　out　of　bed；　and　I'd　get　dressed　and　go　down　to　visit　Marci　and　Elaine；　and　Elaine's　brother；　Cooper；　down　island。　Sometimes　we'd　take　whole　afternoons　just　having　brunch；　or　wandering　the　Cove　by　the　Great　Salt　Pond。　Jimmy　would　get　all　pissed　off　at　me。　He　was　a　little　jealous。　Well；　a　little　more　than　jealous。　He　thought　that　since　he　was　the　first　guy　I'd　slept　with　that　he　somehow　should've　had　more　ownership　of　me。　Or　maybe　I　should've　been　more　attached　to　him。　I　mean；　I　was　attached。　And　he　was；　technically；　the　first　guy　I'd　slept　with；　although　I　let　Ricky　Hofstedter　press　his　fingers　up　there　sophomore　year；　and　then　there　was　that　time　that　I　got　drunk　at　Hollis　Ownby's　party　and　wound　up　making　out　with　Harvey　Somebody　（he　was　a　Somebody。　I　just　can't　remember　his　last　name）　until　I　woke　up　with　a　hangover　and　a　major　pain　down　there　and　I　hoped　it　hadn't　gone　too　far　beyond　basic；　you　know；　petting。
　But　Jimmy　had　all　these　needs；　and　some　days；　particularly　in　June　and　early　July；　I　just　wanted　to　chill　and　hang　out　with　some　friends　without　worrying　about　whether　I　was　paying　attention　to　Jimmy　and　all　his　issues。
　I　didn't　think　of　Owen　much　except　sometimes　I　remembered　how　much　fun　he　was　when　I　was　younger　and　exploring　the　beaches；　or　how　I'd　take　him　out　in　one　of　my　dad's　small　boats；　and　he'd　tell　me　all　about　his　plans。　How　he　was　going　to　slowly　start　investing　in　stocks。　I'd　ask　him　how？
　And　he'd　look　at　me　funny；　and　laugh。　Then；　he'd　tell　me　how　his　mother's　father　had　been　well…off　and　then　when　Owen　turned　twenty…one；　he'd　e　into　a　trust　fund。　I　knew　he　was　lying；　but　I　sort　of　liked　his　lies。　They　made　the　days　go　by。　Sometimes　the　summer　seemed　short　when　I　was　around　him；　and　by　the　time　I　got　back　to　school　in　the　fall；　I　felt　renewed。　I　owed　a　lot　of　that　to　Owen。
　But　this　summer；　I've　been　distant　from　everybody。　Part　of　it　is　Jimmy。
　And　yes；　it's　sexual；　I　guess。　But　since　I'm　paying　you　by　the　hour；　I'd　guess　that　you're　okay　with　me　telling　you；　right？　Well；　Jimmy　seems　to　not　be　all　that　aggressive　in　bed。　I　know　that　must　sound　weird　since　I'm　not　terribly　experienced　in　that　arena；　either；　but　I've　watched　movies；　I've　read　books；　and　I　talk　with　my　girlfriends　about　this　stuff。　This　isn't　like　twenty　years　ago　when　no　one　ever　talked　about　sex。　My　friends　all　say　their　boyfriends　seem　to　put　the　moves　on　them　constantly。　With　Jimmy；　I　have　to　literally　reach　down　and　grab　him。　And　then；　he　just　sort　of　you　know　touches　me　here　and　there　and　then　he　…　well　you　know　…　and　then　it's　over　and　sort　of　unpleasant　even　though　it's　not　ghastly　or　anything。　It's　just　not　what　I　expected。
　And　then　there　was　that　fiasco　with　my　birthday　party。　Christ；　it　was　embarrassing。　Mind　if　I　light　up？　I'm　hungry　for　nicotine　at　the　moment。
　Ravening。
　Ah；　that's　better。　I　know　everyone　has　to　give　up　smoking　at　some　point　in　their　lives；